Murder Most Horrid

"Lilies that fester smell

Shakespeare really knew what

Though in olden days, he would

feather-pen writing,

This week, corruption -

not funny, not clever, not hygienic.

I don't know

I think it could be very handy.

You never know when

When am I gonna need

You might do. You said

I don't use the heliport!

You will - once they've

That's not something

An international conference centre

Three hooded men under the bridge.

Seek mortuus est.

I expect it's the Rotarians.

No, it's the Mafia.

So mote it be.

Try raising

It's never the Mafia.

It's the Sealed Knot. No, the

Forget the trouser leg.

So mote it be.

Can't be Hare Krishnas.

Who is it who dresses up

Medical students. No! Masons.

It's the Masons!

WPC Softly. Yeah.

What?

Really?! No.

I'm WPC Softly, Taunton Traffic.

Me?!

Are you sure?

Well, yeah, absolutely.

Where is Bambridge?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. I'm on my way.

Greetings, Knight of the Unicorn.

I'm Kestrel. I'm Sovereign

Greetings, omnipotent Knight of

How's things at the bank, then?

Yeah. You don't need

I've got the new ZX81 Canon.

Silence! The Knight of the Brazen

So mote it be.

Brothers,

Three senior members of the lodge

in full view of a 49 bus.

We had to. He was drawing

Not as much as he is swinging over

with his trousers at half-mast

All right.

But if we go down,

No-one's going down!

We're going to come out of this

She uses lemon Fairy... Silence!

We need to be cleared by the police.

No problem.

And by someone who isn't a Mason.

That's a problem.

Not necessarily.

I've already put a plan into action.

Come in, Softly.

Welcome to Bambridge. Thank you,

I expect you'll have heard

Yes, sir. A clear case of ritual

Looks like accidental death to me,

My enquiry, sir?

Not any more. I've arranged for

Your report on the Taunton

It's time that somebody of your

Like a high-profile,

I don't know what to say.

I'd say it was accidental death,

Don't take all day putting on

but I want to have this all wrapped

Hello. Softly.

No,

Look, I am in charge of this

No, I am not going to

I am not going to knock up

Because it says so in

This is my big chance, Mother.

I do not intend to ruin it.

I have to caution you, madam.

Argh!

Gentlemen, this is a textbook case.

It's very simple. It's what

We've got everything we need.

A victim, witnesses, suspects,

But there is one thing we

I want a big blackboard

Constable, get onto it.

Tea, love?

No, we'd like some tea, love.

Sergeant, I am a police inspector

I do not make tea!

All right. Coffee, then.

Look, let's get this clear right

I may be a woman.

That's undeniable because of these

Otherwise there is no difference

You're not a Mason,

Pardon? Male, male, ma'am.

You're definitely not a male.

Very perceptive, Sergeant.

Let's hope

Murder?

What murder? The murder of Ken

planning officer for the Bambridge

a vociferous opponent of

proposed by the three men identified

18 witnesses on the number 49 bus

saw these three men in robes

Well,

Edward Percival...

You'll never stand it up in court.

He's the judge.

Yes, but he's also the godfather

Mayor of Bambridge. Elected with

property developer Max Rammell.

Where's all this leading to, ma'am?

To the beige-carpeted executive

The judge owns the land, Rammell

So they gave

But that light

when Ken Jones inconveniently

were about to build on an area

That's out of order.

Well, it must be. It's gone

Ken's objections turned out to be

Costly because it cost him his life.

Is that clear? Not entirely, ma'am.

I still don't see where

That's why you're a constable,

Inspector. Who's too busy to

Now, we need plenty of names, dates,

I want a lot of biros. I want

and I want a lot of those pins

And get me a decent tape recorder.

Music, ma'am? It helps me

I bet it's going to be Mozart.

Marriage Of Figaro.

Don Giovanni.

The Magic Flute.

No. Swingle II,

Easy listening, Sergeant.

You may not like it,

Any questions? You couldn't

I do hope you're not squeamish,

Good. We don't want both of

I'm... I'm sorry about that.

I just find this all so disgusting.

Contents of stomach... toast, coffee,

At least we know what he had

No, that's what I had for breakfast.

I see. And what have you

Well, erm, he's definitely dead.

Yes, we know that.

Not sure, but, er, me cutting off

He was dead before he got here.

That eliminates me as a suspect,

You're not being very helpful,

I want to know exact details as

You should see somebody about that.

Doctor, I am heading a murder

I believe this man was killed

or by laceral trowel blows causing

Please - spare me the gory

The point is, Doctor, I want to

And I want something

Fine. More than likely be lasagne.

Get up, Constable.

Softly.

How's the investigation?

Fine, sir. It all seems to

Perhaps you're going about things

All I'm saying, Softly,

Ignore the obvious.

Look for the unlikely.

Right. I'll remember that,

For what it's worth,

the people that we arrest

Ma'am. Not now, Sergeant.

What, about getting pregnant

No, Sergeant. About the case.

I don't like it. It's too easy.

Something's wrong.

What? We're having a bit of trouble

Well, that shouldn't

There are 18 of them and

Well, that's another thing.

The bus hasn't shown up either.

That's public transport

We do have the pathologist's report,

Right, yes, here it is.

Here is the meat of the thing.

Dum-dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum.