Royal Pains

How great that we both exercise in the mornings.

I mean, we can spend time together

and get our workouts in.

I know. Today my boot camp, tomorrow your beach run...

or is it more like a leisurely stroll?

Hey, there's nothing leisurely about the way I stroll.

I mean, that's...

If you say "that's just the way I stroll" I will hit you.

- I wasn't going to. - Yeah, you were.

I just hope you can keep up with me.

Oh, did I forget to mention I hold the record

for the 100-yard dash at my high school in Providence?

Oh, so you're already a pro?

Then you won't need the gift I got you.

You got me a gift?

I always run...

with a pedometer.

You're gonna spoil me.

Wait and see where I'm taking you for dinner tonight.

Oh, I have a meeting with a referring doctor tonight.

- Tomorrow? - I'm on call.

Oh, wait. So am I.

Typical workaholic doctor.

We can figure this out.

What's the rest of the week like?

Uh, the night after tomorrow,

I'm supposed to see my dad for dinner, but I could cancel.

No. Family dinners are sacrosanct.

And then the night after that, I'm on call again.

- Can I have my pedometer back? - No.

Look, either we have a relationship

based solely on workout routines,

or we make on-call nights work.

Yeah.

You know that diner on Clearview?

Isn't the food supposed to be terrible?

Oh, so much worse than terrible.

But next door is my favorite bookstore.

So, if one of us gets called away,

the other can find something good to read.

Oh.

They have an amazing poetry section.

Finally something we don't have in common.

I'm a mystery-novel guy.

Oh, I bet they have those there too.

Then the terrible diner it is.

You guys look tired, huh? Didn't have your breakfast?

Oh...

How sweet.

Do it on your own time!

This is my time!

- Okay. - Get on line!

You're loud.

Synchronize! Come on!

- Come on, guys. - Got it.

What are you doing?

If I'm gonna stay here, I need to pull my weight.

I mean, I know Hank is understanding,

but he certainly did not expect your fiancee

to start working here and move in.

You... you did tell him that classes start soon, right?

That this is just temporary?

Okay, "A," you don't have to do this.

"B," how dirty do you think we are?

- I'm doing it again. - You're doing it again.

Yeah.

I am filling my time caretaking

instead of facing the thing I should be facing.

Yeah.

So how about instead of doing that,

for five minutes, you come with me...

you sit down...

and you talk to me about it?

What am I supposed to say...

that I was lied to my whole life,

that I can't even bear the thought of going home

because it doesn't even feel like home anymore?

When's the last time you spoke to your parents?

- You mean the Collins? - Paige.

I'm sorry, that was...

that was mean.

All right.

Tell me what I can do to help.

Anything... what can I do?

Just give me some time.

Time?

- Okay. - Thank you.

Yeah.

All the time you need.

Hello?

Oh, gosh, I hate to interrupt a moment of passion,

- but, um, we need a doctor. - Um, mom...

This doesn't look like a doctor's office.

No, uh, it is.

It's a concierge doctor's office.

We usually come to you.

I wondered how you ran a business

with those guards all over the place.

Ah, yes.

The article in Dan's paper said nothing about them.

But it did say that you were located close to our home.

You didn't make an appointment?

The article said they were available 24-7.

- Hi. I'm Jackie. - Hi.

And this is my daughter Fiona.

Hi, Evan R. Lawson, CFO.

This is Paige, our office manager.

Hi. The doctor should be back very soon.

Please, make yourselves comfortable.

No, no. We should make an appointment.

I'm sorry. My mom... she doesn't do schedules,

but I'm sure that a medical practice does.

No, we... we make a lot of exceptions, actually.

I can't wait here now, all right?

I'm gonna be late for summer school.

Fiona, Fiona, you have a dreadful stomachache.

I think you can miss class for that,

especially since the class is probably causing it.

No, dreadful is not an emergency, okay?

We're gonna come back w...

Okay.

Do you have a restroom?

Yeah, right down there to the left.

So sorry.

Were you watching me sleep?

Maybe.

Let's call in sick, spend the day in bed together.

Very tempting...

Come on.

We have so few days left.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm leaving soon for Oahu.

You are?

I have to get back on the road with the polo team.

Of course.

- When? - Five days.

So we should spend

as much of this time together as possible.

Keep out the real world...

for as long as we can.

I can't.

I, uh, have to work.

And I promised Hank that I would meet him this morning.

I... I can't be late.

I suppose I should go to practice.

I'll see you tonight?

Yeah, of course... tonight.

Royal Pains 4x12 - Hurts Like A Mother Original air date September 5, 2012

She leaves for college in the fall,

but she insisted on taking this A.P. class now

that she could just as easily take then.

If it were me, I would spend my last summer lying by the pool

drinking virgin margaritas.

Yeah.

Because that is how you prepare for M.I.T.

Here, water.

So I don't see any stones in your gallbladder or duct.

I'll check your appendix now.

Maybe if you did yoga or meditated with me,

then this class wouldn't drive you so crazy.

Mom, I told you, I like organic chemistry.

I have no idea where this side of my daughter came from.

Me, my husband, and my son wouldn't know organic chemistry

from organic produce.

Okay, so there's no evidence of appendicitis either.

Well, I felt nauseous last week too.

That doesn't mean there's anything serious to worry about.

I'll give you some antiemetics to treat the nausea,

and I'll run some tests on your blood and urine.

I, uh... I don't need a pregnancy test.

Yep, I'm probably the only mother in the Hamptons

who wishes her daughter made time for boys.

She doesn't understand me

because I'm not ripping off my bodice.

I'm a romance novelist...

well, a part-time romance novelist.

I just write when I can,

and I leave myself time to rest and replenish.

I won't get my characters out of bed without good reason.

Anything I may have read?

Well, my biggest hit was my first one...

The Other Side Of Ecstasy.

It's exactly what it sounds like.

Hold on. You're Jackie Van Ark?

- Uh-huh. - I love that book!

That's... we used to read it out loud

- at summer camp after lights out. - All right.

I, uh... I haven't... I'm probably not your target audience.

Oh, anyone who makes love is my target audience.

- Really? - I'll send you a copy.

Okay.

- This may hurt a little. - Oh, she hates shots...

ever since she was little.

Uh, so, hey, are you going to live in the dorms at M.I.T.?

'Cause I'm about to start at Parsons,

and I found this blog

that shows you how to arrange your furniture

to make 200 square feet feel like 500.

It's... it's awesome.

- Okay. - Yeah.