Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return

Sorry, what is he doing?

That's Jonah Heston, one of our back-jack drivers.

He's probably working on his percussive drive test

for his graduate thesis.

He should be opening a bottle of champagne.

He's returning with the largest cache of precious meteors

this world has ever known.

That is really gonna help with our funding problems

at Gizmonic Institute.

Yet, rather than resting on his meteor laurels,

he's still doing R&D.

Natural born "gizmocrat".

I heard he works outside the system, but he's effective.

But his independence streak could get him into trouble.

You're darn tootin'.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Show trap initiated.

Strange, that sounds familiar.

Yes, we got one.

Set the show trap!

Mayday, mayday!

This is Moon base 13, we need your help.

Mayday!

Someone needs my help.

What happened? Where's Heston?

He appears to have flown behind the dark side of the moon.

We've lost all radio contact.

But why? He knows he's not supposed to do that.

What a rebel!

Ah...

This is Jonah Heston from the Gizmonic Institute,

I'm preparing to land.

Oh, no, the payload.

I'll collect those later. Right now, it's hero time.

Or antihero time.

There was a guy named Jonah

Not too different from you or me

He worked at Gizmonic Institute

Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit

Hello! Hello!

What the heck?

A distress call came in for him At half-past noon

That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon

I send him cheesy movies

The worst I can find

He'll have to sit and watch them all And we'll monitor his mind

Keep in mind that Jonah can't control When the movies begin or end

So he'll have to keep his sanity With the help of his robot friends

Robot roll-call

Cambot

Gypsy

Tom Servo

Crow

If you're wondering how he Eats and breathes

And other science facts

Repeat to yourself it's just a show

I should really just relax

Mystery Science Theater 3000

Hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love.

I'm Jonah Heston and these are my robot friends Crow and Tom Servo.

Don't pretend you know us. You're not my real father!

- I've been here for two months! - Were like dogs.

We have no sense of time.

Sorry, my partners a bit of a hothead.

hey... Howd you like a candy bar or a soda?

- Something creamy? - I'm fine, thanks.

I've been tinkering a bit since I got here.

Gypsy was taking up this floor space

with all her coils, I kept tripping on them.

Oh, yeah. Major fire hazard. We loved it.

And we've got this unused fly-space above us.

I figured why not rig her up there? Come on down, Gyps!

- Hi, everybody! - Hey!

I upgraded her language, I wanted to give her a Midwest accent.

Those women have music in their voices.

What's that?

Right, the higher functions of the ship

still need my constant attention

or well die horribly!

- Be seeing yall! - Uhh...

Also I can fly

- But just in the theater. - Yeah, that's true.

What are you going to give me?

Fifty caliber machine gun mounted on my shoulder?

- You're perfect just the way you are. - I knew it!

Oh, now our evil underlords are calling!

Oh, Snapple.

Rise and shine and give me your glory-glory, Jonah Heston!

You speak to I, Kinga Forrester,

commander of the Moon 13 research station,

third-generation supervillain,

and inevitable master of all profit-making media!

And by her nefarious side am I, her red right hand,

TVs Son of TVs Frank!

Nobody calls him that. His name is Max. Just call him Max.

Cant you just give me this one thing?

No.

Heston, I'm reopening my family's most legendary experiment,

Mystery Science Theater 3000!

I'm going to blow-up this brand

and sell it to Disney for a billion dollars!

Huh, says here we should get on with the invention exchange.

My invention this week is a little thing I call, "the bubble fan"!

Knocked this out on my CNC machine in the fab lab.

You fold it like any ordinary geisha or French courtesan would,

dip it into the bubble fluid, then unfold for...

Bubbles! Oh, my goodness!

- Bubbles, yay! - So many bubbles, yes.

That's all you got?

Totally lame.

Max, get me a copy of that design, ASAP.

We've got something even better than an invention!

The new MST3K isnt about ideas or making things!

Its about sheer star power!

Starting with your experiment today, Reptilicus!

Somehow Denmark thought they could make a giant monster movie!

Max, tell them a few of the big celebrity names in the film.

Legendary Danish comic actor Dirch Passer!

Wow! And...?

Hes the only one.

We've got to talk about the way we choose these movies.

- Okay. - Whatever!

Enter the nightmare-fueled world that is Reptilicus!

Send them the movie!

Movie in the hole!

Bubbles!

Nothing says international

like a picture of the US Capitol building.

Poor Syd Pink. He got blacklisted, obviously.

What? Is that really all the music we get?

Somewhere in the forbidding tundra mountains of Lapland,

high above the Arctic Circle...

a group of mining engineers were prospecting for copper.

That's it!

But what they unearthed was a story,

a story that was to terrorize the whole world.

When events began that were to place a burden of decision

involving the lives of

an entire city on my shoulders, I was far away,

unsuspecting, unknowing.

Un-sober.

Pole dancing 101... First, get familiar with the pole!

Make friends with it! Shake its hand!

Hold it!

I can't keep this up any longer; I don't actually work here.

They gave me a jumpsuit and hat

because I look like I know what I'm doing.

Ahh, rats.

It's blood!

Bwah da da, Bwah da da.

Da da da, da da dah, da da dah, da da da da da da da da dah...

What are we stopping for?

There's blood on the drill!

And an aching in my heart!

Are they building a Wicker Man?

Okay. Shut it off!

Better unplug it too.

Remember what happened to "One Hand" Johansson?

Well, there's your problem. It's pudding!

Hold on to your hard hats, fellas,

we've hit a vein of Stretch Armstrong's!

It's more man than machine now.

Twisted and goofy.

It's a piece of skin... like leather.

We came as copper miners but we're leaving as leather tycoons!

Be a dear and get us a couple extra plates and some napkins, okay?

Bones?

Jim!

- Fossil bones. - Fossil Jim!

What kind of thing is down there?

Cut! Come on, Ralph.

I don't know.

But I intend to find out.

Alex, get the generator going. I want to use the radio.

Okay.

You'll suspend the drilling until I find out what this is all about.

If there's copper down there, it will have to wait.

Henry, as an American, you have drilled all over the world.

Um-hm.

What do you make of it?

It can't be a living thing.

Let it be.

There's got to be some explanation.

With a name like Smuckers.

Well, it's out of our line.

I'm going to radio NARVIK, the University of Copenhagen.

- We'll need a paleontologist. - And a lot of marinade.

I wonder if even they can find the answer.

We'll find out soon enough. Get the Polaroid.

I'm gonna dress up in this stuff and let you take my picture.

Uh, you got a little earth blood on you there.

We'll get ourselves some pictures right away.

- Okay on the radio, Svend. - Got it?

- Sure. - Come on then.

Let's get on that radio.

As an American, I've photographed wheelbarrows of

skin all over the world.

Wubwub...

Nummy, nummy steak tartare. Num num num.

Within hours, two Danish scientists