Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language

...seven, eight, nine, ten,

11, 12.

Excellent! Yes, you put your one in the tens and two in the unit...

Don't be teaching him the wrong method.

What d'you mean?

Well, they don't do carrying over like we used to do.

They do traffic light method or something. Don't you, darling?

Do you have a traffic light method?

Yeah! God, no-one told me!

Yeah, well, I'm just saying -

if you don't know what you're doing, don't confuse him, all right?

God, I do know what I'm doing!

She's a bit mental.

Hey, the pair of ya! Cheeky! Go on, you know this.

Right, come on, do this one in your traffic light method, then.

8 + 3.

8, 9, 10, 11.

Look at that! So clever.

Smart, ain't he? Yeah.

You've got my brain in there, that's for sure.

I don't know about that.

Connor, Mia, your breakfast is ready!

Mia! What?!

Breakfast! Just said I'm coming!

Honestly...

Right, I'm off.

All right, lovey. You have a nice day, won't ya?

And please will you bring me some carrots back?

Just normal carrots?

Yes, normal carrots! What other carrots are there?

Bye, Connor! Bye, Mia!

What?

I said, "Bye!" Don't be late for school!

I said I'm coming!

Mia!

What do you want, Dad? I'm having a wee!

Stop it.

Love you!

Come here.

I love you. You too.

Have a lovely day. See you later.

Bye, lovey. OK.

Mia!

Mum, can I get this dress for prom, please? It's lovely.

Yeah, that's nice, that. Do you like it?

Yeah. Nice.

Can I get it? Please?

£40? No chance! It's not £40, it's 38.99.

What, on one dress? No, sorry.

Well, I know what, what if I get it for my Christmas box or something?

Er, Mia, you've got loads of dresses. You don't need another new dress.

Mum, I've got loads of dresses, but they don't fit me!

Please, Mum?

Look, no. No. Mum, please?

I've said no! Whatever, then!

Mia, don't walk away! Yeah, I'm walking away.

What do you want me to wear, Mum?!

Mia!

What flavour is that ice cream?

Grandma's knickers.

You're laughing! No, I didn't!

You are! I didn't.

Yeah, you are!

You are. You are. I'm not.

Let somebody else have a turn. Right, go on. Go on.

Right, Mia. Simple question.

What's white and pink with a big brown stripe?

Connor, right, you do one on Grandma.

What do you keep under your bed?

Grandma's knickers.

Grandma's knickers.

You're laughing! I'm not!

You are! You are!

You are! I'm not!

What do you brush your teeth with?

Grandma's knickers.

What do you floss your teeth with?

Right, enough now. This floss?

Eat your ice cream!

With a straight face.

Show Grandad your straight face!

Poker face! Woo-hoo!

You go!

Yeah, sorry, um...

Yeah, I was hoping someone could help me with my pay monthly.

I was...I was wanting to skip a payment and then...

Yeah, it's, er, Trevor Morbury.

M- O-R-B-U-R-Y.

Yeah, no, I appreciate that.

Um, but obviously with Christmas coming up,

it's...it would be a very handy thing if I was able to, er...

Yeah, no, I've done it in the past and I know that it's been, er...

it's been something that you've been able to help me with,

and I've paid double the next month, so is that...?

Grandma, there was an alien crash at school.

Was there? Well, I want you to go and wash your hands,

cos there's a bug going round that school. Go on.

And the teachers...

...found these little aliens and they were really slimy.

Was it?

Was that scary?

I asked her to take stuff!

Have you washed them? Yeah.

Good boy.

I made this car...card for Dad.

Let's have a look.

Brilliant!

But I couldn't find any stars,

so I just did a round circle for...for...for a star.

It's absolutely brilliant, Connor.

He's gonna love that!

Is Dad coming home for Christmas?

Well, do you know? We don't know yet, sweetheart.

We hope he is.

Right, why don't you go and get your coat off, and your shoes?

Go and put them away, and I'll get your tea on.

Do you want some spaghetti hoops?

Yes, please! Right, go on, then.

Hiya!

Hiya, Mum, are you all right?

Hiya. Hello.

Hey, how'd she get on?

Yeah, very good.

I weren't very good. She was!

She got a bit flustered at that roundabout, but, er...

Can't get me head round the gears.

I can't work it. Can't do it.

It's a really hard roundabout,

that one, in't it? Yeah.

It was heaving in town, weren't it? Yeah, it was, actually.

Everybody's gonna be doing their big shop about now, aren't they?

People go mad, though, don't they? Yeah, they do.

Thanks, Uncle Al.

Yeah, I'll see you next Saturday. We'll have one last go-through,

and then, er, you're all set for the big day. Yeah?

All right, yeah. Thanks, Uncle Al. See ya.

There you are, thanks. Thank you.

Go on, then.

Is she crap?

No, she's...

She gets a bit jittery, that's all.

She'll be all right. Yeah.

You heard from your Patrick at all?

No.

We don't know what's happening.

Well, he'll be right.

Right, I'll see you on Saturday. Yeah.

And don't be worrying about her.

All right. All right, see ya later. Ta-ra.

Thanks, Al. Ta-ra, love.

Is it hurting when I'm pressing down?

I'm kidding! My heart went!

Your face!

What are you doing anyway?

Just maths.

And did, um, did Mum say anything to you about a prom dress

I was asking her about the other day?

I just showed her in a magazine the other night.

She did, yeah. Yeah.

You had a bit of a to-do over it, didn't you?

Yeah. I don't want it.

Are you sure? Yeah.

I actually don't want it. Honestly.

I was just wondering if she'd said anything to you, that's all.

You know, we've got you a really good Christmas box and everything.

I know, thanks, Dad. Lots of nice smellies and...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't... I don't need it, to be fair.

I'm just gonna borrow summat off one of the girls or...

Do you want a brew?

Er, yeah, all right. Yeah. Thanks.

Thank you, love.

That's it. You're very good at this.

But not too much, remember, cos do you remember what happens?

Yeah. Go on.

It leaks everywhere.

It leaks everywhere when it's in the oven, right.

You can put that lid on there. Won't be a sec.

Don't put any of that in your mouth, cos it'll make you feel sick.

On which one?

Put the lid on the top of that one there.

This one? Yeah.

I'll just get you some money.

I won't be a sec. Just one second.

Connor, quick! Come and have a look. It's carol singers.

Right, you go and listen at the door. Don't move from that door.

- Are you for real?! - Yeah, I'll pay it back.

When?! When?! You're off work until Christmas with your flaming arm!

I'll ask me brother! Ha! Don't make me laugh!

Him?! He's tighter than two coats of paint!

Don't start.

He charges his own niece for driving lessons.

Well, it's his job.

What do you want him to do? Do it for free?

Yes, I do! I bloody do, Trevor!

He knows how hard we struggle!

I've been scrubbing toilets in that school every morning since March!

All right. I'm sorry.

I will sort it out. I'm very, very sorry, OK?

Right, good for you. Good for you. I'm glad you're sorry.