Selfie

The three biggest geniuses are...

The slut who invented Hollywood tape...

Hazard reported ahead.

In 800 feet, turn left on...

The psychic bitch on Waze...

And whatever dubious skank invented caller I.D.

Good morning on this very good morning, Eliza.

Oh. What's so good about it?

Saperstein is announcing the company's sixth annual 10k today.

Ugh. Still not seeing the good.

I'm told by Henry that Henry wins this competition every year.

They even put his silhouette on the poster.

- Oh! - Let me tell you something, Eliza.

All my life, people have been telling me,

"you're too small, Higgs. You're not fast enough, Higgs.

Give up your foolish dreams, Steve."

Steve? Who's... who's Steve? What's happening?

He's reciting a monologue from "Prefontaine,"

a feature film in which Jared Leto plays...

A heavily mustachioed long-distance runner.

The lead singer from Thirty Seconds to Mars was in a movie?

No, the guy from "Prefontaine" was in Thirty Seconds to Mars.

Okay, your sister has called for the umpteenth time.

Your sister?

You told me your family was lost at sea.

Well, somebody must have Tom Hanks'd her ass

back to civilization and given her this number,

which she can be reached at.

My sister's not lost at sea. Okay? She's found. On land.

My whole entire family is alive, unfortunately.

Eliza, you should never wish your family dead.

Oh, I have.

But only after my brother stabbed me that one time.

You don't understand. My sister is a monster.

I argued for the death penalty,

but since he was a minor, my parents let him walk.

She can't be that bad.

He's grown now, went on to have six kids of his own,

four of whom are evil.

Bethany tortured me with her greatness

my whole childhood.

I was like the redheaded stepchild,

only we both had red hair and we're related.

There were never any baby pictures of me around,

but stupid, stupid Bethany had professional portraits

and brag books and bronze booties.

And that's why you incessantly document yourself.

Not as bad as getting shanked over who gets the bottom bunk.

I could never live up to my sister's glory.

Straight A's, class president, never farts,

flawless skin, pretty crier.

Eliza, all siblings are competitive.

- Maybe she's matured. - Huh.

You certainly have.

Remember, sometimes difficult people surface in our lives

for a reason. Think of it as a challenge.

You're not the kind of person who's afraid of a challenge.

Well, I mean, I was briefly hospitalized after the cinnamon one, but...

Call your sister. Stay away from your brother.

Call your sister.

Team,

what do we do when we see a sick child who needs our help?

- We run. - Amen.

For the past five years, we've run

in the kinderkare kares for kinders 10k,

raising money to help battle all types of childhood illness.

But... Like so many of those sick kids,

the 10k, over time,

has become a real bummer.

And I think I speak for everyone when I say...

I'm over it.

- What? What'd he do? - So this year, we're changing it up...

With the kinderkares kares for kinders

mighty mud run.

Wow! I rarely get riled up over slideshows,

but that was electrifying.

Freddy, this is your brainchild.

Would you like to come up here and join me

for the first annual ripping of the 10k poster?

I'm sorry. We're gonna rip the 10k poster every year?

You got that right.

Booyah!

As a 3-year veteran of the mud run circuit,

I wanna welcome you to this new and exciting world

that'll find its way into your heart

and your butt crack.

I hate to partake in the use of slang contractions,

but would this not be

an "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" type situation?

Uh, I think it's more of

a "sounds hella cool, let's do it" type situation.

Huh? Am I right?

But if you don't wanna brave the course,

there are a number of other ways you can help out.

Now Linda has the, uh, waivers and the sign-up sheets.

Thank you, all, very much.

Good job. I am so doing refreshments.

They give you 300 bucks,

and then I just steal food from the breakroom

and pocket the cash.

She said proudly.

Don't judge me, Henry.

It's a victimless crime.

Gimme.

- Hey, bad girl. - Hey, Freddy.

You being good or you being a naughty, naughty little sex face?

- I don't know. - What's wrong?

Freddy! Look, I just thought we were getting more serious.

And serious couples are supposed to do more

than just... Dirty talk.

Yeah, I know.

That's why I got us matinee tickets to "Pippin."

- What the... - It's a musical.

Look, is this another one of Henry's assignments?

Because I don't know how our relationship is supposed

to survive with Henry always just sticking his big stu...

Believe it or not, Henry does not control everything I say and do.

Ah, but that's my sister calling...

And Henry says I have to take it.

Hello?

Right. Yeah.

- Henry! - Aah!

See that? It's my mud run trainin', son.

Came in quick with the side lunge.

Whoo! How bomb is this race gonna be, huh?

Quite bomb, I'm certain.

Hope you're not too bummed out about me bagging your 10k.

- Not at all. No. - Good, because I hear some of the ladies

got their panties in a bunch over the change of plans.

That's... that's weird.

What are they gonna do next year? Throw us in a pit?

Have us claw our way out?

I have no upper body strength. It's all in my legs.

- Sir. - Oh.

In this corner, the Asian import...

Actually, sir, I was born in Van Nuys.

Fast as he is sexy. A study of superior engineering.

And in...

Actually, Freddy, could you just move to your left slightly?

- Sure. - That's great.

And in this corner, the adonis

carved out of Italian-Canadian marble,

not an ounce of wasted mass on his exquisite frame.

Who will be the Victor?

We may never know,

as Henry has yet to nut up.

Dude, nut up.

I'm sorry, but I was conditioning my body for the rigors of 10 kilometers.

Oh! Come on, gramps. Change it up.

- "Gramps"? - Yeah. It'll keep you young, you know?

Shock your system.

He's right. I surprise my body every day,

which is not easy because my body knows me so...

Boo! Aha! Whoa!

Push-ups! Ha ha!

My body didn't see that coming.

Bam! Joke's on you, quads!

Thought you were having a nice leisurely chat with Henry? Nope.

20 reps, 4 sets. Let's go.

Come on, Henry. Get it! Come on!

Bonjour, bloodstream!

Let's get you oxygenated, shall we?

Dude, did you just speak French to your bloodstream?

Oui.

"Oui"? What?

As I prepared for my sister's arrival,

I was determined to show her

how responsible and successful I'd become.

Even though we'd barely spoken since we were teenagers,

I knew everything I needed to know about Bethany

from her instagram.

With her perfect brunches and homemade lunches

and her adorable husband Peter

and the handwritten notes he leaves her

and her identical friends on a 7-day cleanse

and her certified pre-owned 2013 basic bitch beemer.

Eliza? It's me! Hello?

Eliza?

Every time I hear Bethany's voice...

It's like I'm 5 years old again.

Hi!

- Hello! - Oh!

Oh!

Eliza, look at your place. It's so you.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Uh, nothing?

Have a seat. Oh, my God. Here.

Let me just move the pay stub from the bonus check I received

for being my company's top performing sales rep

and put it next to the crystal champagne flutes

I received for the exact same reason.

Whoa, sounds like someone's great at their job.

That's amazing, Eliza.

It's amazing? You're amazed that I can do a job?

Not really. You were doing a great job

of avoiding talking to me for the past week.

Oh, well, let's just say, um, I didn't want to.

Eliza, I did not come here to fight. I just wanted to connect

and talk about what's been going on.

Oh, what has been going on? Well, let me see.

I'm pretty great. Super-hot boyfriend.