White Gold

240, 245 and 250. It's all there. Good boy.

Now here's your ticket.

A Mr Setra will meet you at the hotel, go straight there,

deliver the cash, get out.

No fucking about, you got it?

Not even time for a quick dip in the sea?

You fuck this up, I'll arrange a much longer dip for you.

Jesus, I was only making a joke.

Well, in that case, so was I.

Have a good trip.

Hello? I've got a business trip booked to Malta with you

and I wanted to see if I could book seats for the rest of my family.

My name's Vincent Swan, Dr Vincent Swan.

Great.

Also, I'm speaking at a medical conference

and I could use a few hours on the flight to prepare.

Is there any chance of a business class upgrade?

No, just the one seat would be fine.

If Ronnie's going to treat me like a mule,

I'm going to make damn sure I get a kick out of it.

That's the craziest shit I've ever heard.

I know. Can you believe that Machiavellian bitch Jo

engineered the whole thing just to get one over on Vincent?

No, not that. The fact that Sam found you attractive.

Thanks very much. Oh, come on, mate. She's gorgeous and you...

..you're like a completely different species.

Let me get this straight. YOU were the one who wouldn't commit?

Can we change the subject? I mean,

you have looked at yourself in the mirror before, right?

How's the boy wonder working out?

Oh, God. He is even more of a pillock then I remembered.

Good, that's what I was hoping for.

How about I come over and work for you?

Unfortunately, that ship has sailed.

No, Walsh has made it abundantly clear

that I'm not allowed to take on any more staff.

Can't you just sack RJ? One in one out?

Look, if you want to go and tell his nutcase of a dad

that you got his fuckwit son fired, then be my guest.

Here you go, Brian.

What's that?

Orange juice and lemonade. I asked for a pint.

Sorry, got distracted.

Got chatting to the young damsel behind the bar.

Well, a real-life damsel in distress.

Quite the opposite, lavatory.

She gave me her number

which means, by the end of the day,

she'll very likely be a damsel out of a dress...

..as opposed to in a dress...

..because she'll be naked. Yes, I think I get it, RJ.

This is bollocks. How did a freak like you managed to pull her?

If Stratego has taught me one thing,

no advances were ever made without taking risks, my compadres.

You can't capture the enemy's flag without coming out of your trench.

You're right. He's right.

You're a creepy genius.

It is that simple.

I've got to go.

Thank you, RJ. Don't thank me, thank Stratego.

Wow. I don't suppose there's any danger

of you applying this go-get-'em attitude to selling our windows?

Wouldn't work. Why not?

Cos, ultimately, I don't give a toss about selling windows, Brian.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Ronnie's errand had at least put a few thousand miles

between me and that marriage-wrecking time bomb, Jo.

When you're caught between a rock and a hard place, it takes

the edge off when the rock is a sun-kissed Mediterranean island.

So that's room 211, double bed with the pull-out bed for children.

I'm not sleeping with Rob, you know he stinks of BO now.

I don't want to catch your zits! You horrible little shit. Mum!

Excuse me, sweetheart, do you have any adjoining rooms?

No, but we have a junior suite available.

Rate is 200 Maltese lira per night.

Then what's that in real money?

In English pounds sterling, that's...

£320.

Nice try. You and I both know rate cards are only used to fleece

the terminally stupid or the stupidly wealthy.

I'm sorry, I not really understand.

Is there anyone else who could check us in?

I said, only very rich or very stupid,

like that pair behind, pay that.

Now, what can you do for me on that sweet price? What did he say?

I'm sorry, I can't do deals on the price.

All right, how about a complimentary upgrade?

I'm a very generous tipper after a good night's sleep.

This is ridiculous. Can you hurry up, please?

I'm sorry, your Highness, but we haven't finished yet.

Come on, what's your best price? I'm so sorry.

You know what they say, if you have to ask for the price,

you definitely can't afford it.

Is there any chance you could let someone else check in?

It's OK. Vincent, come on.

Let's just look at the room. I'm sure it's lovely.

OK.

All yours. Although I think

you'll find there's a no dogs allowed policy at this hotel.

Vincent, go. And you.

What did he say?

All right, try not to drown.

I don't want to spend the whole holiday filling out forms.

You're so funny, Mum.

Last one in the pool gets the camp bed with the blood-stained sheets.

Isn't Nat a bit old for Bun-buns?

She told me to bring him.

Apparently he's never been to Malta before.

Oh, that's sweet.

Thank you, Vincent. I needed a break.

Nothing beats a few days of the four "S" s.

Sun, sea, sand and...

And sharing a room with our two children.

Might need to settle for the three "S" s.

There's always the beach at night.

No, thanks. I'm not a bloody turtle.

Although I am still a big fan of doggy.

Oh, easy, Lassie.

One of us should watch the kids swim.

Why don't I finished unpacking

and get it nice and cosy in here for us?

That is disturbingly sensible for you.

I quite like this new being waited on hand and foot.

First you pack the case coming out here,

now everything gets hanged up at this and.

It's like having a sexy butler.

Just call me Jeeves.

See you in half an hour. OK.

That was close. I probably could've hidden this roll somewhere else,

but who doesn't enjoy the feel of a cool five grand in 50s

laying against their nutsack.

Now, in case you were wondering

where the rest of Ronnie's illicit cash is stuffed...

Oh, bad luck.

Sea view's this side.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr Setra.

Yeah, right there. Thanks.

Ronnie's dirty laundry, I believe.

I'm enjoying the symbolism, Mr Swan.

Please, call me Vincent.

Do I need a receipt?

I'm afraid we operate a strictly sans paperwork facility, Vincent.

Tell Ronnie we'll scrub this until it's unrecognizable.

Now, there was one other matter I was hoping to discuss with you.

When do you leave? In a few days.

Perfect. That's just enough time to discover what this intriguing

little island has to offer

and to join me for a spot of lunch on my yacht tomorrow.

I have to tell you, I'm here with my wife.

I'm not trying to seduce you, if you're worried.

Not really. I get more offended

when people don't want to sleep with me, Mr Setra.

It's just she might finally divorce me if I disappear for an afternoon.

She's more than welcome. Do you know where the marina is?

I'm going to guess - is it on the edge of the sea?

Pier seven. You can't miss us.

I'll see you tomorrow at one.

Now that Ronnie's contraband was safely delivered,

the only bulge in my underpants

was the one reserved for the woman of my dreams.

I must admit, this one of your better ideas, Vincent Swan.

I do have them sometimes.

Thank you.

And Nat was embracing every teenage girl's rite of passage

by flirting with a greasy Maltese waiter.

I needed this.

So it is now a good time to re-pitch my sex on the beach idea?

The cocktail, or the agonizing sand-in-the-fanny sexual experience?

One of each.

How about no?

Fair enough.

How about I offer you lunch on a yacht instead?

Oh, much better.

Now, if only you had a yacht.

Or knew a man who does.

I'm serious.

A friend of Ronnie's has invited us out to lunch on a yacht tomorrow.

Really?

Wow, I've never been on a yacht before.

What about the kids?

Hotel's got a kids' club.

They're capable of looking after themselves for a few hours.

Yeah, why not?

What is it, Rob? Nat's been getting the waiter to sneak vodka

in her orange all night. Stop telling tales.

She threw up on her shoes.

Oh, sweetheart.

I'll kill that fucking waiter.

It's not his fault, Dad. I told him I was 18.

He'll be in for a nice shock

when he sees you at the Teenyboppers kids' club tomorrow.

What? I ain't going to a kids' club. Yes, you are.

Why do you all have to be so embarrassing all the time?

Says the girl who pebble-dashed the hotel bar floor. Mum, tell them.

Oh, God.

That's it, baby.

There you go, get it all out.

At least you'll be the first kid at Teenyboppers

to turn up with a hangover. Shut up.

Look, I'm taking a few days off.