New Girl

Ah, Hop Foo's, my favorite.

Don't mind if I brunch.

Are you eating takeout for breakfast?

Hey, you're my girlfriend now.

You're not supposed to judge anything I do.

Say that again.

You're my girlfriend now.

I like it.

Even when you have dumpling in your mouth.

Sounds good.

I have to go. I have a big meeting

with Principal Foster today. I hate that guy.

-He always says no to your ideas. -No, no, no.

Not this one. This one is, uh,

Ocean Conservation Day.

Why do you do this to yourself, Jess?

So you're telling me to not even try?

I just don't want you to be

disappointed when he says no.

Look, maybe you should try

to try a little less.

How am I supposed to try to not try?

That's a catch-22.

Oh, hey, Coach.

Oh, I dropped a dumpling!

-That his breakfast? -Yeah.

Isn't it cute?

-He's not even ashamed of it. -Oh.

I got it!

It almost got away from me… Aah!

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Jess!

Look, Principal Foster, we have the chance

to do something really great.

Everything's been donated.

All we need are transportation costs.

Come on!

That's only the most expensive part of doing anything!

You… I'm sorry.

That was rude.

I slept very badly last night.

Had a chai tea very late.

Had friends in from Montreal.

Some of these kids have lived in L.A. their entire lives

and they've never even seen the ocean.

Last week I asked them to draw

what they thought the ocean looked like.

I got a lot of stuff like this.

Is that a bagel with wings?

-Yes, sir, it is. -Extraordinary.

I'm afraid I'm not taking no for an answer.

You're gonna have to take no for an answer

because that's just the way it is.

Hmm, a shark with legs.

That's not even anatomically close to correct.

That's just a square, though.

Have them start over. That's just terrible.

Nick?

I want to talk to you about your fitness level.

-Of what? My body? -When's the last time you worked out?

You know what? I'll tell you when the last time he worked out was.

It was the time that he battled his daddy's other dumb sperm

in order to make his way to his mama's dumb-ass egg.

Your burns are getting better, man.

-Just really long. -Okay.

Look, I don't need to work out.

I'm old-fashioned, Coney Island fat-strong.

Ah, Nicholas. Chinese food for breakfast.

See you're still a health nut.

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

I'm rocking a PD… Personal day.

Yeah, last day of the move.

Coach, I see you've wasted no time moving into my old room.

Anyway, I just came over to, uh,

drop off my old key.

Wow, so this is like a moment.

Looking to get some much-needed space from this place.

-You're right across the hall. -That's true.

Everywhere you go…

There you are.

-What? What?

His jeans are so small.

He looks like a little puppet.

Like something some Italian whittled.

Come on, man, just let me train you.

You know what, Nick? You should do it.

I would love for Coach to train me, but I kind of pushed it too hard

at the court yesterday.

Went in for a dunk.

Landed sort of funny.

-Typical Winston. -

-That's true. -What is that supposed to mean?

Because you're always too injured to play.

Remember when you sat out of the game because you were sad?

I was also cold.

Nick. Let's do this.

Look at me.

Now, you're in a new relationship,

which puts you at risk for gaining the boyfriend 15.

-That's not a thing. -It is a thing.

Jess is into this.

I've seen this happen a million times.

The boyfriend 15 quickly turns into the boyfriend 20.

Next thing you know, you're a fat dude on a little bike

with a cowboy hat on talking about, "My ass hurts."

-I don't want to be that. -I don't want you to be that.

I would just be riding around in circles

-or would I be going places? -Circles, dude.

Fat-guy rash on your arm.

Okay, look, Schmidt's tried to get me to work out for years.

It didn't take.

Also, and it's not an excuse,

I have a very bad back.

-Your bad back? -Yeah.

You gave me a piggyback ride

two days ago and you giggled the whole time.

It was awesome.

-It was also really funny. -That was pretty funny.

-We took the stairs, dude. -Yeah.

-It's 'cause I was excited. -Nick.

Either take this dumpling and be a dumpling guy,

or you train with me, and be a do-ing guy.

It's hard because I've been a dumpling guy my whole life…

I know. One day, that's all I need.

And I will change your life.

You'll be able to see your abs.

I thought God just didn't give me those.

Come on.

Let's do it.

-My man! -I'm in!

I'm gonna warn you. Working out is not my thing.

Not worried, man. I do not fail.

You know what? I'm in, too.

You're injured, you shouldn't, you shouldn't do it.

What? Come on, Winnie the Bish

play through the pain, baby. You know what?

Let's warm up with some jumping jacks.

I was going… Oh!

Miss Day!

Check out my cool beach hat.

Unfortunately, um, I have some bad news.

Uh, we're not gonna get to go on that field trip.

But you said anything is possible,

Miss Day.

You just keep wearing that hat, Crystal.

Because as long

as hot dogs are hats…

Anything is possible.

You could be the first little girl in space.

You just ride that hot dog hat all the way to the moon, girl.

Oh, Crystal, you're not

legally allowed to touch me.

But thank you.

Hey, guess who got a trainer.

So many menus.

I'm gonna look like Barry Bonds.

-Seriously, what the hell? -Hey.

I take it, it didn't go well with Foster.

-It did not go well. -Aw, Jess.

I hate seeing you hurt like this.

Are you serious? More menus?

This is like…

Why do we need more menus? Don't we have enough menus?

Feels like you're saying menus a lot.

This is an eco-disaster.

Conservation deserves a win today.

Hop Foo's has killed its last tree.

Jess, this feels like

a something-else-is-going-on type of thing.

Are you okay to drive? You got crazy eye!

Uh, welcome to Hop Foo's. Can I help you?

This morning, there were nine menus just in my apartment.

I also hate those menus, they're so bad for the environment.

It's wasteful.

It's an eco-disaster.

I'll talk to my boss, see if we can change that.

Yeah, great, you do that.

I'm gonna follow up with you on that.

I compost, recycle, but it's…

I don't feel like it's enough.

Thank you. Jeez, thank you so much

for stepping up and saying something.

That's who I am, that's just, you know, I'm…

-My name's Brian. -Jess. Jessica. Jess.

It's really refreshing to meet someone who actually cares.

Well, it helps that you're gorgeous.

Ha! Blah!

Burr!

No, that's crazy.

That ain't real.

That's dumb.

That's straight dumb. You're dumb.

You're nice.

You excited for the holidays?

I am. Hmm.

Anyway…

-My system is built to be easy. -Okay.

It's easy as peanuts.

-Easy as peanuts? -Yeah.