Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Koyaanisqatsi.

That music was very foreboding. It's made a shiver go down my spine.

- That'll be the air-conditioning. - I would've taken it off sooner

but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father

of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child.

Just passed his details on to the Social Services.

The time is 11:59 and 55 seconds.

- It's midday. - Well, no.. Well, yeah, it is now.

You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.

Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.

Music and chat for the Norfolk generation.

Sorry, it's the other way.

Later we'll be taking dedications

for anyone wrongly turned down for planning permission.

Which is the worst monger?

Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one.

Now it's time for today's large question.

Large question.

It's the near future.

An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China,

has left us without a sense of smell.

In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most?

- Tom in Diss? - Petrol.

Nice. Wrongly referred to by the Americans as "gas".

It's petrol, not gas.

- Dominic in Castle Acre? - Money.

Yep. Joe in Holt?

- My wife's nightie. - You kinky get.

- Saucy sod. - She died, you see.

- Smells matter. - They do.

Hey, Greg.

This is a great station, a real cracker.

Yeah. Hi, Pat. Um.. this is Jason Tresswell.

- Managing Director of.. - Goredale Media.

Our new owners, huh? I Googled you on Yahoo.

That's Pat Farrell. Does week nights. 10-12.

Sleepy-time slot.

- So, are you on your way out? - You tell me.

Is it true you're being taken over by a bunch of corporate whores?

Er.. Gillian, I'm 99% certain that's not true.

We've got a text here from Joy in Diss who says:

An easy way to solve the problems in Israel..

- A thorny issue. - ..Would be for Judaism and Islam to merge.

Wouldn't hold your breath.

- They both hate pigs. - True enough.

You could call it Jislam.

I think you can go in circles, can't you, trying to think of names for something?

Even er.. a cat.

Well, nettles cause 'em, dock leaves cure 'em.

It's a sting. It's Sting.

- Sorry. - Never, never criticise Muslims.

Only Christians. And Jews a little bit.

Alan, it's started. They're here.

We're being taken over.

So?

Hello?

Are you in the business centre?

Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about how ospreys died out in Britain

and had to be reintroduced from Scandinavia in the early '90s.

Now I think there are almost 500 of them.

Yeah. 480.

It shows we should treasure and value our wildlife.

So, what you got, girl?

Well, the butchers want you to do another voiceover.

"Bannan's the Butcher's.

Yesterday's meat at today's prices."

You've had the mayor of Hickling get in touch.

He listens to your show and wants to offer you the freedom of the village.

- It doesn't even have a post office. - They give you a big key.

- How big? - That big.

Tell him I accept.

Everything seems to be chugging along nicely.

Everything OK, Alan?

Michael's just sent a text saying he hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.

- How does he.. - He steals it from a pub.

- Oh. - That's a relief.

Shared a bag of salty popcorn with him last week.

Join me tonight at 10 for a hearty casserole of tunes, cheer and chin-wag.

Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp will be playing live in the studio,

and I'll be taking your calls on my ever popular fireside phone-in.

Don't miss it.

OK, for those who haven't slipped into a coma,

you are listening to the Breakfast Show with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.

- How we feeling this morning, guys? - Better than you, by the look of things.

- I had it large. I got on it. - Take it easy tonight, then.

I would but we've got the launch tonight.

North Norfolk Digital are changing their name to..

Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.

Coming up next, Alan Partridge. God bless him, how old is he?

60 or something. Got to be, hasn't he?

55.

Alan, we love you, mate. We love you really.

This one's for you if you're listening.

It's Roachford.

Your fog lamps are on.

Your fog lamps are on. There's no fog.

There's no fog.

No fog.

Love that noise.

Michael, do it outside.

- Morning, Michael. - Morning, Mr Partridge.

- Paper. - I was doing a fist bump.

- You would say that now you've lost. - It's instead of a handshake.

Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake.

But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?

- Did you hear him making fun of you? - I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,

"There's only one thing worse than being talked about."

- Cancer. - No. "Not being talked about."

Oscar Wilde said that's worse than cancer?

Yeah. I think he was at a party.

Probably just being a gay show-off.

Do you know what I really like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air and er..

actually realising I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed.

No, I am joking, obviously, but er..

they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed.

But they're all behind me now.

- Morning, Angela. - Morning, Alan.

Alan Partridge has just walked into the building.

Walking and talking, like The West Wing.

- Hope he hasn't hurt himself!! - Mr President, we have a code red.

- I've never seen the show. - No, me neither.

Corner coming up.

You never know what's round the corner.

More corners, usually.

Imagine a world without corners.

No-one would be able to cut any. Everyone would be going round in circles.

Wow.

I enjoyed that.

I will tell you one thing.

When I was going through my bad times,

I found Norfolk was perhaps maybe not the place to be and..

just because it's so flat and there was a sort of a..

a bleakness about the place, but obviously now..

You're a good broadcaster, Alan. Don't forget that.

- I wasn't planning to, Pat. - You seen this memo?

"Exciting new phase. Here's to the future."

- My days are numbered. - No-one's getting sacked.

It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when the swimming pool allegations came out.

- He was in bits. - Yeah.

It turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice.

- He didn't even know them. - Yeah, but where is he now?

- He runs his own business. - There. He's back on his feet.

Rents out bouncy castles.

For adults, yeah?

- Look at this memo. - I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.

Goredale Media are simply re-imagining our core brand values

and giving it a name more fitting to multi-platform content delivery.

- They're people people. - People people sack people.

No, Pat. People sack people. People people please people.

- Can you have a word with them, Alan? - Would you?

Er.. sure. As soon as I can get them all in the same room together.

- They're all up in the boardroom now. - That's great.

Thank you. Thank you, Alan. You're a pal.

Well, pals is pals.

If we're all looking at the last quarterly figures for North Norfolk on page 6.

Then if you turn to page 5.

Hi, guys, don't want to be an agenda-bender, but any chance of a wa-wa?

- It's not a good time, Alan. - It's fine, we've time. Come in.

Oh, we moved the other thing. Yeah, it's a good time.

Alan. Alan Partridge.

Jason Tresswell, MD of Goredale Media.

It's not "Alan Alan Partridge". It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".

I know some people do have two names.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.

Duran Duran.

Yeah, that's not as good.

Um.. Kris Kristofferson.

Excellent small talk. Gentlemen, to business.

I am here as one of the more senior D-jocks at this station.

I'm here to talk about jobs.

Like a Nazi officer this, isn't it?

Should er.. snap my heels together.

- Achtung!! - Guten Tag.

Silence!! Sorry. I meant to miss you.

I want you to do something for me.

I want you to take all your prejudices, put them in a box marked "prejudices",