F is for Family

You are now in the presence of God, creator of the universe, Father of mercy,

and final judge of the destination for your eternal soul. Dazzle me!

I did sweaty, filthy things to a sad, old man.

I stole a tombstone from the cemetery and blamed it on my brother.

I put goofballs in my mom's coffee so I could have a kegger.

You know what? You know what? Nana got me a goldfish, and I ate it.

I'm harboring resentful thoughts about my husband.

Marie is mad at me because I took some innocent crotch-level pictures

of our neighbor.

I crashed a school bus into a telephone pole

and blamed it on my son.

I received the sacrament of oral sex,

but I passed out before I could reciprocate.

And then I found the goldfish in the toilet later.

But it wasn't gold, and it wasn't swimming.

I knew Chet was being poisoned, but I didn't say anything.

I held back five dollars from my pimp that wasn't mine to keep.

I'm a watcher, not a doer!

Daddy loves me so much.

My son is really my nephew, and my dead sister was a whore!

There ain't no toilet paper in this here talking bathroom.

Okay, it's six o'clock. Bye-bye, now.

Ah, at least you get to die at the end of your shift.

Anybody in here?

Sir, I'm afraid confession time is over for this week.

Oh, come on, pick up. I got to talk to you.

It's me, Frank Murphy.

I walked in on you sitting on the shitter at the couples' retreat.

I remember. You know, this is supposed to be anonymous.

Come on, Father, I'm at the end of my rope here. You got to hear me out.

You know, Frank, I'd be more inclined to bend the rules

if you ever came to Mass.

Okay, I'm sorry about my lack of attendance,

but coming to Mass blows my whole Sunday right out of the water.

I got to get up early, shave, pile the family in the car.

Then once I get here, I'm kneeling, I'm standing, I'm kneeling, I'm sitting,

shaking hands with people I don't care about.

And even then it's not over because I have to take the whole family out for waffles!

Everybody gets waffles! And there's another line.

We can make waffles at home,

but no, we have to go out where the whole town's getting waffles!

I got my wife a waffle iron for our anniversary.

She said, "What's this for?" I said, "So I can have my Sundays back!"

So, yeah, I don't go to church, okay?

Because I figure I'm not gonna make it to heaven anyways.

None of my dreams have come true in this world.

Why should the afterlife be any different?

But I've had a really bad run lately.

Today was my worst day in months.

My wife and kids think I'm crazy, and I don't know what to do with myself.

So you are gonna sit there, listen to what I have to say,

clean it up a little bit, break the news to him,

and tell him to get off his fat cloud and give this guy a win!

Sir, I'm sorry, but we can hear you out here.

And God can see you interrupting me, so go fuck yourself!

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I... just told a nun to go fuck herself.

Ah!

I'm sorry I swore at you, Sister. I thought you were a normal person.

You're a fat man full of sin.

Now, now, now, Sister Layla.

This man is in pain, and I am going to hear his confession.

But come back in five minutes and tell me there's an emergency.

Uh, uh... the boiler exploded,

uh... the diaper boy is bathing in the holy water, something believable.

Go ahead, Frank. Tell me what's got you in such a state.

Right, well, it's my father.

He's been out of my life for years. No contact.

And then he just comes waltzing back in like Fred Astaire.

Well, it may comfort you to know that you're not alone.

I had a difficult stepfather.

Did he make you wear a grass skirt because you cried when Pearl Harbor happened?

Oh, no. My... my goodness. A grass skirt?

And coconut tits.

Oh, jeepers. Okay, go on.

Tell me about him.

Okay.

When I was a kid, my dad was the most popular guy in Rustvale.

"Big Bill Murphy" they called him.

And he was like a king in his hardware store on Main Street.

So Dick Sawitzki says to me, "Big Bill," he says, "You've got the gift of gab.

You could sell a camel a suitcase full of sand."

My dad can do anything.

Look at this little acorn that fell off my tree.

That was my old man to the public.

Home was a whole different kettle of fish.

My mom, my sister, and me, we got to see who he really was.

So then Jack O'Connor says to me,

"Big Bill, you could sell snowballs to an Eskimo."

Why would you sell snowballs to an Eskimo?

You wouldn't.

Then why would Jack say that? Doesn't he know how cold it is up there?

For the love of God, Nora, he's just trying to say that I'm a good salesman.

Eskimos don't even buy anything. They have a barter economy.

Christ! Would it kill you to give me an "attaboy"?

Attaboy.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Something would always set him off.

Could've been a bad day at work,

could've been the sound of an innocent child's laugh,

but it was gonna be something.

Binghamton, I thought you took my car to the shop.

It's still not working right.

The car is fine, boss. The problem is the nut behind the wheel!

It's funny because he doesn't know his place.

Dad, last week he--

Jesus Christ, Francis!

What the hell is wrong with you, you goddamn dope?

Oh, the radio made me laugh. It was funny.

Well, here's something hilarious.

Mom!

You gonna cry for your mommy, you spoiled brat?

Clean this mess up before I drop you down that fucking well.

-We don't have a well. -It's an expression!

Christ, you're just like your mother!

That's why I changed it to "put you through a wall,"

'cause there's always a wall.

That was my "fuck you" to my old man.

Oh, okay.

He'd just sit there and smoke that goddamn pipe.

To this day, I hate anybody with a pipe.

Fucking Popeye.

Things started to go bad for the old man in '52.

He invested all his savings in crutches and iron lungs

during the big polio boom just when it went bust.

Polio is now poli-no.

Thanks to Dr. Jonas Salk and his miracle vaccine,

millions of children will never know the horrors of the iron lung.

Goddamn it!

As he hit rock bottom, he got even meaner.

Turn that shit off!

But like those newly vaccinated kids,

now I was able to stand up for myself.

I said I don't want to hear any more of your goddamn noise!

It's not noise, it's music! The Sweatermen are great artists!

Rudy Vallée is an artist!

I can't wait until I'm old enough to move out of here!

And then you'll fly away in your magic airplane, right, Tinker Bell?

Instead of staying here and helping your father save his business.

Why would I? I hate you!

-And I'm glad polio got cured! -You take that back!

-Ow! Ow! -

- -Ow!

Stop that! What kind of a man takes his failures out on his son?

Every man in America!

Get away from him!

When he lost my mother's respect, that was the beginning of the end.

He beat you with a crutch?

Yeah, he had 80 gross of them lying around.

I'll never forget the last thing he said to me.

Reserves.

That was it. He was gone for good.

My mother lives with my sister now in California.

California. Fucking Smothers Brothers. Your mom hates both of you!

Frank, could we get to the "waltzing back in" part?

Okay. So I haven't heard word one from this guy in 18 years, right?

And then there he is, sitting in front of my house in a taxicab.

Well, I guess the comet landed.

No!

We have two grandfathers?

Cool!

No. Not cool. That man is the devil!

You said Walter Cronkite was the devil.

No, I said he's a fucking traitor

who should grow his hair and die in the mud at Woodstock!

That son of a bitch is not setting a foot in this house!

Now, Frank, he is your father.

Maybe he's come back to see you for a good reason,

and we can't just let him sit out there and yit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit!

Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit!

Sue said, "Yit-dit-dit-dit-dit"?

No, that's just what she sounds like when she's trying to make a point.

She said I needed to face him. So I did.

All right, I'll do it.

Think positive, Frank. Maybe he's dying.

Fucking son of a bitch.

Why does he hate his father?