The Orville

Commander Grayson, everybody.

Come on, how terrific is she, huh?

That's just great. All right, coming up next,

we have Lieutenant Commander Bortus.

- Where is Bortus? - I am Bortus.

W-W-W-Wai-Wait.

You actually sing?

Well, get on up here, big guy.

Let's show everybody what you can do.

- Good luck. - Come on! -Yeah! -Whoo!

Lieutenant Malloy taught me this song.

I will now sing it.

Yeah!

You will be silent!

Is this... is this happening?

Bridge to Captain.

We're receiving a high-priority message

from Admiral Halsey at Union Central.

Send it to the briefing room.

I'm sorry to interrupt you during your off hours.

No, no. Your timing was actually perfect.

Are you familiar with the Navarian-Bruidian conflict?

Over Lopovius? Sure.

You might have to refresh my memory.

They're two races who have been fighting over

the planet Lopovius forever.

They each say they colonized it first.

They've got some bloody history,

and they're on the brink of war again...

which would be a disaster, because they're

right on the border of Union space, and you can bet

they'll drag their allies into it. How can we help?

An ancient artifact has been discovered on Lopovius.

The Bruidians and Navarians

have agreed to allow it to be examined for residual DNA

by a neutral Union archaeologist.

If either species' DNA signature is found,

that race can lay claim to the planet.

I got to say, that sounds kind of shaky.

Do we really think the loser will honor the agreement?

I'm skeptical, too, but that's what they say.

They've agreed to have the Orville host

while they await the results.

The artifact is currently aboard the USS Olympia.

You will rendezvous with her in orbit of Lopovius,

where you'll take on board a forensic archaeologist

who will perform the tests.

And the Navarians and Bruidians

are each going to send an ambassador and staff.

Pretty combustible scenario.

They loathe each other, so be very careful.

But that being said, as long as they're there,

we'd love you to take one last run at informal peace talks.

The best option would be if they could share Lopovius.

Well, we'll do our best.

I know you will.

What about accommodations?

Remember, these guys hate each other.

I can put them on C and G decks on opposite sides of the ship,

which should lower the risk

of them running into each other unsupervised. -Perfect.

All right, let's try not to screw this up.

Gordon, set a course for Lopovius, and engage

- quantum drive. - Aye, sir.

Hard to believe that little planet

is the cause of so much conflict.

Shuttle bay reports the archaeologist is arriving now.

All right, let 'em know we're on our way. What's his name?

They're sending a personnel file.

I'll let you know as soon as I have it. Send it to our comms.

Aye, sir.

Oh, my God.

What is the matter?

Aw...

Ensign Brooks, put a hold on the shuttle.

The shuttle just docked.

Crap.

It's Darulio.

The guy she cheated with?

The one with the stuff coming out of his head?

- How did you know about that? - You told me.

Oh. Yeah.

Uh...

That's him.

That's our forensic archaeologist.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe this. How-how is this happening?

Yeah, I know. Awkward situation.

I am so sorry.

Look, I've been digging on Lopovius

for the past six months.

I just heard on the way over here

it was gonna be you guys.

If I'd have had more time, I would have recused myself.

Well, I'm sorry you didn't have more time.

Look, Ed...

Can I call you Ed? I... We've never actually met.

Well, you were screwing my wife at the time,

so I guess we all kind of just forgot our manners.

Oh, for God's sakes, don't make this worse.

No, no, no, Kel, it's fine.

He's entitled to his feelings

and the space to express them.

Look, can I just cut through some of this?

I think we can all agree

that the end of the bloodshed on Lopovius

would be a wonderful thing.

And I think... that's bigger than the three of us.

I'm just saying...

I'm here to work.

What about you guys?

Fine.

Hey, hey, guys.

Alara, show Darulio here to his stupid lab.

Ed?

Were you just trying to shut the doors?

No, I was not.

I know what you're thinking, but don't you even put this on me.

I cannot believe you slept with that guy,

- I really can't. - Here we go. Is me apologizing

for the 900th time somehow gonna make a difference?

Did you hear what he said just now?

He goes, he goes: I am entitled to my feelings

and the space to express them.

My God, thank you for lighting me on fire

and then giving me permission to be in pain.

You know what? I really don't like your tone right now.

Oh, I'm sorry, Kel, are you uncomfortable? Are you?

Well, you know what you should do? You should...

Whoa. Top brass alert.

Captain. Commander.

- What's up? - Hello.

We should get some music in these elevators, huh?

A little soundtrack to our lives.

What do you think?

Yeah. We'll look into it.

Sweetness.

You know, I got some playlists I could send you.

Oh, yeah, it closes for you.

What do you want to do, Ed?

Is-is there anything to do?

Is there another forensic archaeologist

specializing in ancient Lopovian pottery

in this star system who you haven't had sex with?

No? Then I'll be fine.

Yeah. You seem fine.

Your quarters are right next to the lab.

There's a food synthesizer in there, and there are lab techs

standing by if you need anything.

Amazing.

So... you know Kelly and Ed?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Did you guys, like, go to school together...?

Oh! Oh, man! I am so sorry!

No, no, it's my fault. I'm an idiot.

- Yaphit, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. It's all good.

What is all this stuff?

It's nothing. Just some stuff.

Uh, hey, can I get that back, please? -Hmm?

Oh. I'm... so sorry.

- Uh... - Just put it anywhere, guy.

You don't have to find my G-spot.

There you go. Nice work.

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

And we're done with all of his shots.

What a brave little guy you are, Topa. Thank you, Dr. Finn.

Bortus, will you be home for dinner?

I have already told you,

we have an important diplomatic assignment...

- I must work late. - Very well.

We will just spend another night by ourselves.

- You guys having a rough time? - All we do is fight.

Klyden will not stop eating, the child never sleeps,

and we have not resumed normal... relations.

Why do people have babies?

Well, the first year's tough.

You guys'll find a rhythm.

Excuse me. I hope I'm not interrupting.

- Oh, my God. - Dr. Claire Finn,

- these are for you. - Yaphit, I'm extremely busy.

Look, I'm gonna go for broke... I'm here to ask you out

to dinner, and I'm not gonna take no for an answer.

Then we have a problem...

because "no" is the only answer I have for you.

Well, let's see if you still feel that way

in five minutes.

Yaphit, stop it right now.

This is a medical facility, and you are

- way out of line. - Look, just give me a chance, huh?

I really care about you.

I see how warm you are.

I see what a good mother you are to those awful boys.

I see how smart and funny and wise you are.

And I...

I love you. Okay? I love you.

Yaphit, the answer is no.

Look, you've been coming in here for months pulling this crap.

If it happens again, I'm gonna submit

a formal complaint. Now go!

All right.