The Simpsons

D'oh!

Subtitles by explosiveskull

D'oh!

Great birthday trip.

One more thing to remind me of my insignificance.

Two adults, one student, one boy who just phones it in,

and a senior citizen veteran on his birthday.

Oh, and I'd like to apply my astronaut discount.

I'll need to see your diaper.

Typical cheapskate Homer.

Taking all the fun out of turning 87.

Get this stupid party hat off me!

What the...?

Oh, I'll fix it.

Woo-hoo! 182!

Homer, that's your weight on the moon.

I used to be a planet.

Then one day they called and said it was over.

It's over when I say it's over!

So sad.

But I'll be back.

I'm working on some stuff.

Let's just say you might not be seeing Halley's Comet no more.

Losers.

Forged in a nanosecond in the Big Bang,

our universe is so enormous,

every NFL stadium could fit inside it.

And their parking lots.

When's this show gonna start?

It has started.

How can it have started if I'm talking?

Wouldn't that bother everyone?

Quiet! I can't hear the Big Bang!

Approximately 13.8 billion years ago...

- Billion? - ...the universe consisted of

a tiny singularity of enormous mass,

which suddenly burst forth in the greatest explosion ever.

Fire in the theater!

No! Your pupils aren't ready for Earth light!

Damn it, I was developing film!

Turn it up!

I can't hear it!

Louder!

Keep it down!

Mm, happy birthday.

I never want to hear that again!

Say my name, you cowards!

Make a wish, party pooper.

Okay, I will.

That was a coincidence.

I got you the one birthday present

you can really use.

A call girl that kills me after?

- A hearing aid. - A hearing aid?

Forget it. People will think I'm old, dadgummit.

You are old.

You've lived long enough to see your prejudiced attitudes

come back into fashion.

Lousy Greeks.

Thank you.

Bart! Bart!

Wake up.

- Yo. What's up? - Listen.

The planetarium said the universe is

13.8 billion years old.

But I turned in a paper where I said million!

What do you want from me?

I was just wondering

if you were planning on breaking into the school anytime soon.

You know, like, maybe tonight.

Nope. Not till next month.

Please.

I'll do your homework!

Sounds like you can't even do your own homework.

- Ouch. - Yeah, you think about that

while I'm breaking you into the school.

Hmm.

Who's breaking into the school?

Bart's just talking in his sleep!

I believe that. Trust you. Good night!

How did you know this door was broken?

Eh, Willie keeps me posted.

I keep him in licorice.

Willie's riding the red pony tonight.

Look who's got pumpkin stickers!

Bart, those are for Halloween.

Also Thanksgiving, if there's some left over.

Whoa! Where has this been all my life?

Come on, let's go!

Okay. You fixed your stupid paper,

and I scored the teacher's nicotine gum.

She does that so she doesn't smell like cigarettes, you know.

Yeah, and she should also get some booze gum.

What's that?

Maybe it's the ghost of that boy

who had to climb that rope in gym until his heart exploded.

You're making that up.

Am I that creative?

No.

Oh, God.

Principal Skinner.

Are you living in the school?

Absolutely not. And you have no proof.

Seymour, why are you living here?

You have a house.

With 30 pizzas on the way.

30 pizzas.

I can finally send mama back to Italy! Mwah!

It's not my house, it's Mother's.

But after what I just found out she did, I can never go back.

They say it's better to talk about it, but I never will.

- Okay. - We understand.

Seriously, don't ask what it was.

- Are you asking? - I was stretching.

Then why'd you only stretch one arm?

It's the only arm that needed stretching.

Fine, I'll tell you what it was.

- You don't have to. - Really, it's okay.

We believe you.

Ever since I was a kid,

I-I wanted to be a drummer.

- In a rock band? - No.

Marching.

I would've given all I had to be the dot on that "I."

It's also called a "tittle."

Don't you think I know that?

I did everything I could to make that band.

In my application, I sent songs and choreographies.

I'm a shoo-in!

Then the fateful day came.

Son, you got a letter from Ohio State University.

I'm too nervous to get up.

- Do you want me to read it to you? - Yes.

I'm sorry.

You were rejected.

Uh, seems kind of thick.

Well, they gave you a lot of reasons

why you weren't good enough.

That's so sad.

There's more I have to tell you.

I was going to surprise Mother by papering her drawers,

then I found this.

I was accepted.

She lied.

That's so sad.

What makes this really tragic

is there was also a personal handwritten letter

from the Director of Admissions.

What's that smell?

I'm making spaghetti and kick balls.

Does it get worse than that?

How could it be worse than that?

May I see the letter?

I must say your sympathy is a pleasant surprise.

No, this is just the only college acceptance letter

I'll ever hold.

Mm.

So it's for all these reasons that I will not be seeking

a seat in the U.S. Senate.

I will now take a few questions.

Let me tell you the wonderful present I just got.

Dad! What a surprise!

What's he doing here?

Didn't we just see him yesterday?

That's what they're saying under their breath?

How awful! I want to hear all of it.

Maybe if we pretend we're tired, he'll go home.

Thank God he can't hear us.

And I'm glad these fake yawns

are something we can do as a family.

What?! You, too?!

Good-bye!

Dad, wait!

What's wrong with the old coot?

I mean, what's wrong with you, you sweet old coot?