Family Guy

Family Guy 7x08 Family Gay

Timing: reaper Trascript: reaper

Now remember, Peter, don't touch these money until you get to the grocery store.

Then buy one can of beans and come straight home.

Do you understand?

Lois, I'm the guy you can trust with the task.

I'm the one who almost conquered the Dragon's Lair.

DRAGON'S LAIR

Peter, where have you been?

You left for the market six hours ago. Did you get the beans?

Lois, I've got something better!

You know how you always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?

Oh! Oh my god!

That's right! I bought a horse.

You bought a horse?

Why the h... I didn't even give you that much money.

That's what I thought, Lois.

Sold! To the gentleman from Quahog, Rhode Island.

Congratulations, sir! What brings you down to Louisville?

I don't know!

Peter, there's something off about that horse.

You have an eye for animals, Lois.

This horse is brain-damaged, that's why I got it so cheap.

Peter, I don't think it's wise to have a brain-damaged horse as a house pet.

Shut up!

You don't know nothing.

But anything.

Whatever Peter. Fine. Keep the horse.

Good. This family works much better when we're unified.

You'll see, this horse will be a fine addition to our family.

You know what, I don't want him to feel selfconcious. Everybody pee.

- Pee no... - Everybody pee.

NOW

We're an unusual family.

Peter. The horse is here.

Oh yeah.

It's so creepy the way it just stares like that.

Why isn't it do something?

Uh... What is it?

Brian... Is Paul Sorvino standing behind me?

Hey, you wanna sugar cube, horsy?

Oh, oh god, Brian don't!

What made you come around, Lois?

I love you so much.

I love you so much, Lois.

Mmm... I love you too, Peter.

Peter, take Maple Drive, otherwise we won't make the movie on time.

All right.

- Uh oh. - What?

Uh... The horse is right behind the car.

Peter, this thing is just creepy.

Hey! Scare! Scare!

Cmon you! We're go... We're going to see a movie.

All right, I'm gonna try something else.

No, no, no, no, no, nooo...

Oh, that's got all my stink of the day in it.

That's nasty.

Peter, why are there so many bottles of milk in the refrigerator?

Oh, thanks for reminding me.

Everyone, some of the milk in the fridge is not milk

it's horse sperm.

I'm a horse breeder now.

Peter, no one's gonna want to breed with that horse.

After tomorrow they will.

I'm gonna enter him into the Quahog derby and he's gonna win.

I just know it. I got a sixth sense about these things.

Remember when I predicted the ending to the wild hogs?

This movie is gonna suck.

Hey there, little fella.

I'm 48.

This whole place is a giant mindfuck.

Boy, I've never been in the owners box.

We are gonna get a great view of the track from up here.

This is gonna be a great race.

What are you doing? Get down there.

Where's your midget?

Sorry boss, had to pee.

Come on, you.

Guess, he's got a small bladder.

Little tiny guy, gotta go all the time.

Even though he's got a race, he couldn't hold it.

And they're off!

Go, horsy, go!

God, it even runs like it messed up in the head.

Is there reason all the horses are named after canceled Fox shows?

Kitchen Confidential is in the lead

followed by The Wedding Bells

followed by The Happy Hour

followed by The War at Home

followed by Drive

followed by The Winner

followed by Life on a Stick

followed by The Loop

followed by Head Cases

followed by Standoff

followed by Vanished

followed by Free Ride

followed by Method & Red

followed by Tru Calling

followed by Quintuplets

followed by Stacked

followed by Justice

followed by North Shore

followed by Back to You

And bringing up the rear but somehow still in the race is 'Til Death.

You named your horse 'Til Death?

You know why?

'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat.

What's this?

It looks like 'Till Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stand.

Dear god! I could describe the horror I'm witnessing

but it is so unfathomable ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so.

Although I do posess the necessary descriptive powers.

Oh... Well at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf secondgraders.

Oh no! Dear god, it's going back.

I know you can't hear any screams

but I assure you they're signing frantically

just as fast as their little fingers can shape

the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror.

Wait a sec. Hold a phone.

He's going back towards the track.

Fellas, this race ain't over yet.

My baby's dead!

It's over.

One hundred thousand dollars worth a damage.

All thanks to that stupid horse of yours.

Look, can we not talk about the horse, please? It's gone.

It suffered a fatal heart attack from the exitement when I disposed of it properly.

Oh boy. I miss the old days when it was just a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.

I have no idea how the hell we're gonna pay for this, Peter.

Well, I just have to get a second job or something.

Hand me the classifieds.

Hey Lois, look at this. Subject wanted for medical...

- what's that? - Experiments.

Ex...paragus.

Experiments.

Ex...pe-ri-ments.

Right.

And it says they'll pay handsomely.

This is perfect. Now I want to take off that job as Matt Damon's neck.

Hey, Matt.

Matt.

Hey, is this another one of those movies

where you're an educated Boston street tough?

I don't have to take that crap from you, neck.

Ah, you have to, my friend.

I'm your neck.

What're you gonna do? Chop me? You'll die.

You'll die if you do that.

Can somebody from wardrobe bring me a scarf?

Oh, I'm still gonna... I'll just talk louder.

Ben Affleck married Jennifer Gardner

but you're married a bartender with a kid.

These are facts.

So what have I got to do, doc?

You don't have to do anything mr. Griffin.

We're isolating and studying the effects of various types of genes.

We're just going to give you a series of experimental injections and record the results.

What's this one?

We call this the squirrel gene.

Its effects will become apparent shortly.

OK. What's next?

This is the Seth Rogen gene.

It will give you the appearance of being funny even though you haven't done anything funny.

Hey, doc, is it gonna be much longer?

I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go on this date.

How charming and chubby. I'm routing (?) for you.

All right, mr. Griffin, at this time we're going to inject

you with what we believe we've isolatet as...

the Gay gene.

I don't understand.

Well, if we're correct, we'll have successfuly

proven that homosexuality is genetic.

And not the matter of choice or environment.

Are you crazy?

I don't wanna take a chance on being gay.

We'll give you a hundred and twenty five dollars.

All right, I'll do it.

Boy, you are more persuasive than James Bond.

Now. Time for some unfinished business.

- No, James. - Yes!

- No, James! - Yes! You're going to have sex with me.

No, James, I don't want to.

Yes, you do.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do!

- No, I don't! - Yes, you do!

Okay, yes.

See that? 50 Nos and a yes means yes.

Hi.

So how the medical experiments go?

So good, Lois, so good.

I'm gonna squeeze right in here if my size will let me.

Peter, what exactly did they inject you with?

Ah, all sorts of things

hepatitis vaccine, a couple of steroids

the gay gene, calcium, a vitamine b extract.

What did you just say?

The gay gene.

I assume that's the one you meant even though it wasn't literally the last

thing I've said when you said "What did you just say?"