You're the Worst

Checking in with us today?

Okay, Miss Cutler.

Looks like we have you in one of our signature suites.

Will you be needing one room key or two?

One's fine.

All right.

Are any of these popular disc jockeys

worthy of playing our wedding?

Uh, DJ Duchess?

DJ Squirt-Squirt? Brian?

Who cares?

We could put a blonde wig and a Givenchy shirt on an iPhone

and no one would know the difference.

The DJ will be the first person

to introduce us as a married couple.

Do you really want to hand that responsibility

to DJ Thugtastic?

Nock Nock? Who's Nock Nock?

And how does he have six million views?

I think this is trash?

But is it "garbage trash" or, like,

"trash that ends up in a museum" trash?

No, no. It's rubbish.

- Right? - Right.

I mean, he's just some Ox'd-out redneck

rapping behind an Arby's or something.

- Again? - Yes, please.

Well, we have had a shockingly productive morning.

We have booked our cake tasting,

finalized booze selections,

low-balled our officiant, and tonight,

- we have an appointment with our florist. - We got a florist?

- This wedding's about to be classy as fuck.

Right. Time to head off to write.

I mustn't keep the muse waiting.

Yes, hurry up. Wouldn't want to lose the table near the outlet.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Come on.

You're a reg at a coffee shop

with a reg outlet and reg writing hours.

Plus, running point on all this wedding shit...

You've just become this, like, stable-ass dude alla sudden.

Stable?

Yeah, I always thought the whole point of being a writer

was so that you could drink all night in dive bars

and challenge other writers to fist fights and die hella early.

But not you, Jimmy.

You, sir, are a VGB:

A very good boy.

I'm not a...

I am the opposite of a good boy.

I may have experienced a marked level of success

as of late, but that doesn't change the fact

that Jimmy Shive-Overly

is and will always be, unassailably,

without question, a bad, bad boy.

Name one thing that makes you a bad boy.

I have a raging foot fetish.

Foot fetishes are the applesauce of fetishes.

Bad boy fetishes are like

you can only get turned on if your dick's on fire.

What are you still doing here? You're gonna lose your outlet.

Jimmy thinks he's a bad boy.

What... what gives Edgar the right to weigh in on this?

Jimmy, Edgar has killed people.

What is more bad boy than that?

Oh. It's good.

Everyone knows you don't marry the bad boy.

You bang him until he gets caught knocking over

a tattoo shop he lost in a dice game.

But marry him? No way.

That is what I have you for.

Mm.

Is that sunblock?

Good boy.

That was the mustard.

Not my butt.

You can eat in the meeting, Gretchen.

I mean, usually people don't eat at these things,

but, do you. All right,

time to pitch me new clients.

Go.

Mm-mm!

Still on pace for 28 pages today, Jimmy?

No, actually.

I'm just winging it today.

Who cares about page goals?

You, bruh?

You asked me to "shame you mightily"

if you don't make your page goal every day. You good, fam?

Yeah, I'm completely good, fam.

Oh, it's just that my fiancée

accused me of being a good boy.

Preposterous.

That is decaf, right?

Just... I don't want the afternoon jitters.

Mind watching my stuff while I hit the bathroom?

Yeah! Yeah!

Thanks.

His music is fantastic.

His brand is ripe for developing.

And his numbers speak for themselves.

When I saw Young Bludgeon a few years ago,

I felt he was talented, but derivative of Lil Uzi Vert,

which is to say I am not interested in this at all,

and neither should you be.

Thanks for that complete waste of time, Shayna.

Gretchen.

Mm-hmm? Mm-hmm.

Well, two words for you.

Actually, one word, twice.

Also, not spelled the way you'd think.

Anyway,

Nock... Nock.

Who's there?

Yes, exactly. Nock Nock is there.

Nock Nock is a trailer park rapper

who only raps about drugs and his mom. And eating pussy.

- Very fresh talent. - Pull him up on the screen.

Oh, we can do that later.

Huh.

Anybody heard of him?

Well,

how 'bout we all get to know Nock Nock today?

All of us? Today?

Watch every video, listen to every song.

Comb through his online presence to see

if you brought us someone who's worth our time.

Rony really vouched for you on this promotion,

so I am looking forward to seeing what the hype...

is about.

Meeting's done.

Did you hear that?

No. You know what else I don't hear?

The sound of me jizzing yet.

- You guys banging? - Aah!

- Oh! - Noice!

Sweet balls, E.

Ew! You two.

Get a room.

I am in my... sheet room.

Linds, grateful you're letting us crash,

but we can only kill so much time at the 99 Cents Store.

It's fun, but then a huge bummer all of a sudden.

Really sneaks up on you.

Yo, what are you guys getting up to the rest of the day?

Ew! Get off! Go back to your couch.

Oh, don't forget, Paul will be over soon

to do the insemination procedure.

Paul's gonna come in a cup, and we're gonna put that in her vag.

Oh, Bec, Tiny People, Big House is on.

- Okay, babe. - This week

- on Tiny People, Big Houses, - Ooh!

- Kathy and Mark - Ow.

Have difficulties with their reimagined...

How are we living in a world

where Becca loves her husband now?

And how is that world living inside my apartment?

I need to find someone.

Soon.

You and I hang out all the time.

We do sex all the time.

I want a "feeds me cheese balls"

type of love.

Oh, no.

You didn't catch feels, did you?

We promised we'd kill the other if that happened.

Do I need to get my stabbing knife out?

No. No feels.

But...

I don't know, what if we tried?

Explain your words.

What if, like, we do what we're doing now

but we moved it to a restaurant and...

you know, gave catching feelings a shot?

We do bone good.

That's, like, 90% of a relationship.

Let's do it!

Let's go on a...

da...

DayQuil?: No, that's not a word.

Uh, what's the word for a no-sex dinner?

A date.

Ew.

That's it. A date.

Lindsay, you're gonna want to stay out of your

underwear drawer for a bit. Tallulah's

taking a nap in there, and she may or may not have

sharted all over your thongs.

No, she totally did.

This is the guy?

Oh, yeah, right.