Hoops

Zipper was more than a horse.

He was my best friend.

I could tell him things I couldn't tell anyone else,

and unlike most of my friends,

Zipper could actually keep a secret.

Trust me, if Zipper knew you were in a threesome in college,

the whole fucking barn would know.

Ben, shut up!

The good news is I know he's in a better place right now.

His leg broke off!

Oh, no! That's my beloved Zipper. Be careful!

I think my best memory of Zipper was 2018, when--

- - Fuck! I dropped him on his teeth.

Well, just pick 'em up and put 'em back in his mouth.

What are you? A fucking idiot?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Could you please treat Zipper with more respect?

Ma'am, it's not like Zipper's having an open casket.

Who gives a shit?

I give a shit!

I give many shits!

So today, we honor the life of the one and only Zipper.

There will never...

Goddamn it!

I want you two idiots to go away and leave Zipper with me.

I'm gonna bury him here on the farm.

Anyway, I miss you, Zipper.

I love you.

Thank you all for coming.

Same exact thing happened at my grandma's funeral.

OK, it's that time of year again where Principal Lowry sits there

and stares at me with those weird squirrel eyes of hers.

Just get going, Ben.

And makes me read the Lenwood Athletics Code of Conduct.

OK, here we go.

"Rule number one:

no alcohol use."

I mean, sure, having a couple of beers to take the edge off never killed anyone.

Well, except for my Uncle Eddie and a few close friends.

"Rule number two: no recreational drug use of any sort."

Unless no one's looking and you wanna try some.

But no hard stuff.

And stay away from crack cocaine.

Trust me, I've done it thrice.

Very scary drug.

Don't get me wrong, first two times doing crack,

absolutely sensational drug.

Third time, just as sensational, if not more.

OK. "Rule number three:

players must maintain a GPA of at least 2.0."

Now, that should be easy 'cause you guys are nerds.

We're not nerds.

Oh, really? Has anyone here driven a motorcycle or gotten laid?

Or seen a vagina besides your mom's?

Exactly. You guys are nerds.

It's not bad. You're just nerds.

Last but not least, the final rule:

absolutely, under no circumstances,

and I don't care how good-looking the fucking thing is,

no sex with animals.

Ben! That's not in there.

There's nothing about animals in that damn book.

Fine! If Opal says fuck animals, knock yourselves out.

-What? -Just know that I think it's disgusting.

You should not fuck an animal. It doesn't have a choice.

Listen, Luigi. I'll take care of him.

That's why they call me "The Godfather."

Paisan, you wanna go get a calzone?

Man, what a classic.

I mean, it's no Little Man Tate, but what is?

So what can I do for you, you big giraffe?

I got a little situation with one of those rules.

Don't worry, Matty. I get it. You smoked crack.

Pretty sensational drug, huh?

If I'm honest, I did it way more than three times.

And I did what I had to do to get it.

Coach, I'm not talking about drugs, OK? I've never smoked crack cocaine.

I'm talking about the GPA rule. Look, I got a midterm on Friday,

and if I don't pass, I'm not gonna be able to play.

GPA? No problem. What's the class?

-Ethics. -Oh, perfect!

Ethics is easy. Let me show you, Matty.

Say you're walking down the street, OK, and you see a big bag of cash.

Fuck, yeah. Is it on fire?

Is what on fire?

Why would it be on fire?

No, Matty, you're missing the point.

It's just a bag of cash.

Well, if it's not on fire, what's the catch?

Drop the fire stuff!

Matty, you see a bag of cash,

and then let's say you see a big sign that says,

"I'm an old lady. I got nothing.

I lost a bag of cash. I'm a real sad sack."

Bag of cash. Old lady. Sack of shit.

No one's watching.

What do you do?

I'd take the money, and...

And what?

Oh, shit. Did I say "and"? My bad.

So you're gonna take the old lady's money?

It's not like she's a real person, Coach.

She's just a stupid old lady you created to prove a point.

-I can take her money. -Fuck me. Jesus Christ. We can fix this.

There's only one teacher at this school who won't pass a basketball player.

Please, whatever you do, don't tell me you have Lonnie Seymour.

Fucking Lonnie. Fucking asshole prick.

Oh, look who it is. Lonnie, my man.

Fancy meetin' you here.

In my classroom?

That's classic Lonnie.

I miss this.

Why don't we hang out more?

Oh, well, I don't know,

because you're a selfish person, and I don't like you?

Look, I know why you're here, and I'm not passing Matty.

He needs to prove that he understands ethics, OK?

Look, Lonnie, Matty's the most ethical kid I know.

The other day we were walking down the street,

and he found a bag full of money, not on fire,

and this kid looks at me and says, "Coach, let's return it to the old lady."

I feel like this didn't happen.

Goddamn it, Lonnie. Just pass him!

Matty needs to earn his grade or prove to me

that he has a basic understanding of ethics, or he fails my class.

-End of discussion, OK? -

Oh, you're a real righteous piece of shit, Lonnie.

And the next thing you know,

Ben's trying to make me seem like the principal that loves bestiality.

All right, ladies. I'm out of here.

It's 7:30.

Stay and drink with us.

I think I'm gonna head over to Billy's Saloon

and get a few cocktails there.

Barry, that don't make no sense.

Why would you go to another bar when you can drink here for free?

Honestly, this joint just isn't as fun as it used to be.

Maybe you just need to liven up the vibe in here a lil'.

Get some entertainment.

Like long-form improv?

I can get my old team together, Cookies n' Cream.

- Pass, pass! Please, no. -Oh, no.

Look, it would be great to fire up the old stage again, I guess.

Opal also used to sing, and that she's actually good at.

Music's not a bad idea.

Opal, would you sing here for 30 bucks and ten percent off soft drinks?

Damn! But ten percent.

Uh, no.

All right. Bring it in. Bring it in.

We got a lot to cover.

I'm not gonna lie. There might be times you wanna quit,

but are you quitters?

No!

Are you lazy?

No!

Are you gonna give your all

to help Matty pass his ethics midterm because he's failing?

- Wait a second. -That's an awkward transition.

Listen, Matty came to me to fix a problem. Let that be a lesson to you all.

Any problem you have, come to Coach.

My pediatrician says I need to go on a diet

because I have the risk factors for diabetes.

First of all, you shouldn't see a pediatrician anymore.

You should see a real doctor. You got pubes and titties.

Second of all, you're a fat fuck.

Eat less sugar.

Thank you, sir.

I get pretty bad anxiety, Coach. Sometimes I feel like people hate me.

That's not anxiety. People do hate you.

And I get it. You're hateable, Isaac. Next question.

None of the guys at this school are looking for a relationship.

They're fucking idiots.

Well, that's a good thing. You're in high school, Scott.

There should be a line of boys waiting to eat your ass.

Look at me, solving problems like I'm fucking Oprah,

eatin' cauliflower pizza.

Now onto the only problem I actually care about: Matty's problem.

How do we get him to pass?

Maybe Matty could just study.

No way. This kid has no chance of passing the exam.

He's truthfully one of the dumbest people I've ever met.

Coach, you know I'm here, right?

Of course I do!

That's why I was telling you the story of my friend...

Natty the dumbass

who is a kid.

Oh, man!

I would hate to be that Natty motherfucker.

He sounds so stupid!

He really is.

Good thing your name is completely different.