Delitto a Porta Romana

Ace McFumbles here.

The question on the minds of the Bulldogs' sports fans is

can new quarterback sensation Bella "Awesome" Dawson

continue her winning ways?

In the words of Dawson herself, "Sha-booyah!"

In social news, the question on everyone else's mind--

who will this reporter be taking to Friday's big dance?

Ha. Sorry, ladies, I'm working.

- Bella, you are not gonna believe this.

Pepper, go!

- I heard from Chloe who got a text from Zoey

who sits next to Katie who heard in the girls' room

from Sadie who does gym with Courtney

who said Kyle thinks you're cute!

Kyle thinks I'm cute?

My Kyle? That Kyle?

Yes! That Kyle!

The same Kyle you've been crushing on since 6th grade.

Hey, Bella.

Oh, hey, Kyle.

Great speech in Social Studies.

- Oh, Bella, got a little spinach in the grill.

Hey, Kyle, my locker's stuck.

Can you help me?

- Uh, yeah. No problem, Charlotte.

See ya, Bella. - Hm.

Charlotte Newman!

If it hadn't been for her and those stupid braces.

And that salad bar.

- And Charlotte's locker which you know was not stuck.

- We would have finally had our moment.

- Well, your moment has come at last.

- Tonight, we're gonna do your hair,

get your mani-pedi ready, pick out your cutest outfit,

and floss you like crazy.

- And when you walk into school tomorrow,

you're gonna look all...

- The choir sounds great. - Yeah.

You're right. This time it's going to be different.

I finally have my dream of being quarterback.

Mm-hm.

- The guys are starting to accept me.

Now I only wear my retainer at night.

And Kyle thinks you're cute.

- Someone's third-person struttin'

and The Troy knows why.

Wait. What'd you hear?

Did you talk to Zoey, Chloe, or Katie?

- Ugh, I am so done with Katie.

She knows what she did.

I'm talking about

how we're playing the Stallions on Saturday.

We've crushed them for five years straight, which means--

- Another win for the Bulldogs!

Hoo-rah!

That's right.

All we've gotta do is follow the sacred ritual

that's guaranteed us victory every time.

Ooh, I love rituals.

Whenever the Cowboys were losing, my dad and I

would turn our jerseys inside out for good luck.

What's yours?

- We don't shower from this moment

until the Stallions are stopped!

Five days of filth startin' now.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, no...

- I can't shower for five days,

but I can take a bath, right? - Nope.

- Jump in a pool? - Unh-unh.

- Stand in the rain? - Negative.

Clean myself like a cat?

No.

- Guys, I am all about sports rituals.

It's just that this week, it's especially important

We can find another ritual.

That's the spirit! Let's go find one.

- Uh, okay, first, I don't know what...

Second--you don't find rituals, they find you.

Sawyer, testify.

- For decades, the Bulldogs lost to the Stallions.

Then five years ago a terrible drought struck our town.

To save water, the team didn't shower that week.

The football spirits looked kindly on our filthy sacrifice

and, for the first time ever, the Bulldogs beat the Stallions.

Hoo-rah!

Hoo-rah. Great story.

But at this moment, I'm thinking total coincidence.

Once is a coincidence.

But since the Bulldogs started five days of filth,

we have won every time.

It's gross, but it works.

I recommend wrapping your bed in plastic

to preserve your linens.

- But what about the dance on Friday?

- We all have to make sacrifices, Bella.

Think about all the girls

who won't get a chance to dance with The Troy.

Do you think I don't feel bad about that?

But the team comes first.

- Guys, you know what I went through to get on this team.

Nothing means more to me than being a Bulldog.

- I hear you talkin' the talk,

but can you stink the stink?

How's this for an answer?

Stink the stink! Stink the stink!

[chanting "Stink the stink!"]

It's an...

interesting look.

- I look like a cave woman with helmet hair.

What was I thinking?

The helmet ruined my hair.

Kyle can't see me like this.

He said I was cute.

This is not cute.

- Honey, I'm sure that Kyle can see past

a little frizz and a little dirt to your...

inner cute.

Thanks, Mom, you're right.

You always know what to say.

That's my girl.

- Okay, the crazy lady's gone.

We need a plan. - I've got a plan.

Ditch the stupid "no shower" ritual.

If Kyle sees you five days worse than this,

he won't be able to un-see it.

- Sophie's right. You have to look great all week.

I've planned it out.

Tomorrow, you "accidentally" bump into Kyle on purpose.

Then you dazzle him on Witty Banter Wednesday.

These are talking points.

Thursday, you play it cool. You've done your work.

Friday night you walk into that gym looking #fabulous

and the next thing you know, Kyle's asking you to dance.

Bam!

It's a great plan, Pep.

But it's not gonna happen. I can't go to that dance.

- But we've been talking about this since 6th grade.

It's our first school dance.

We were all gonna go together.

And dance together.

- And scope out hotties together.

- And go in the photo booth together.

This pose is not gonna work without you.

- You could Photoshop me in after.

It won't be the same.

- Guys, I know we've been looking forward to this dance.

But I made a promise to the team

and I have to show them I'm every bit

as much of a Bulldog as they are.

- So you're just going to give up your moment with Kyle

and spend the rest of the week lookin' like

a cave woman that just got barfed up by a pterodactyl?

Okay, first--ouch!

And second--who says I can't have my moment after the dance?

- Where are you going with this?

- Guys, dream a little with me.

You do whatever it takes to keep Kyle

from seeing me for the next five days.

I miss Friday's dance.

But after the game on Saturday...

- And a four-hour shower with some deep conditioning...

- ...the glow of victory on your freshly-exfoliated face,

you spot Kyle at the Starcade, you're surrounded by people...

- ...but when our eyes meet, everyone else disappears

and, finally, we have our moment.

- It's just crazy enough to work.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Really?

- Gentlemen, as I stand here today,

surrounded by my stinky Bulldog brothers,

I can truthfully say,

Woo!

I smell victory tomorrow.

Yeah!

- And no one smells worse than our sister in stink--

Bella Dawson.

- What can I say? I'm a team player.

And I hope the football spirits are hungry

'cause I brought noodles!

- Bella, we all know how hard it was

to give up shampoo and conditioner,

rosewater face wash, that tea tree oil

foot rejuvenator that makes my heels feel as soft as a baby--