The Nanny

I'm going to miss you too, sweetie,

but it's the first day of school.

Oh, Niles, this sandwich feels a little stale.

Well, I made them in June

in anticipation of this blessed event.

Fran?

Fran.

Hi, honey. What? What?

How do I look?

Gorgeous, always. Oh, wait.

Oh, my God. Look how tall you got.

I can hardly reach.

Oh, my God. I got too tall?

What am I going to do? Oh...

Well, somebody's got to clean the Statue of Liberty.

Shut up, Brighton.

Honey, you're gorgeous, don't worry.

In high school, they stop making fun of the tall girls.

It's the girls with BO that's gotta worry.

Sorry I'm late.

I was on the phone with my therapist.

I had the unicorn dream again last night.

Now, these shrinks, they read something into everything.

Honey, a unicorn is nothing more

than a big horse with a long...

If you need therapy, I need to be committed.

All right, the limo's waiting. Time to go.

Oh. You heard your father.

Scram. Scram.

Whoops!

First day of school already, huh?

Summer just flew by.

Spoken by a man who did not see The Lion King 257 times.

[ANNE HAMPTON CALLOWAY'S "THE NANNY NAMED FRAN" PLAYING]

Home alone.

No more Pog.

No more Mighty Morphin Power Rangers,

and alas...

no more Nintendo.

What happened to the Nintendo?

I accidentally pounded it repeatedly with a meat mallet.

Niles...

couldn't have thought of that two months ago?

Oh, Niles, look, Esquire came out

with their "Most Eligible Bachelor" list.

Ohh, they retired John-John.

You know, no offense to Daryl, but, if you recall,

Caroline found happiness with a Schlossberg.

Jackie finds happiness with a Templesman.

Maybe John-John should have stopped by

a few Hadassah meetings.

Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield's moved up to third place.

Oh, yeah. Oh, say hello to bachelor number three.

Oh, not you too. What?

I've been bombarded all morning with faxes and telephone calls.

Women who want to date me.

Women who want to have my children.

And this one wants to...

Oh, good God!

I'll follow up on that one, sir.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I think it's an honor.

Look, you're right behind Prince Edward

and the former Mayor Koch.

I'll tell you,

just my opinion, but if those two ever met,

you could move straight up to number one.

I don't want to be number one, Miss Fine.

I don't want to be on the damn list at all.

I'm a widower, for God sakes, not a bachelor.

And the difference would be?

Well, a bachelor makes you think of dancing till dawn,

champagne for breakfast and black satin sheets.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, too bad we never met in a past life.

Miss Fine, I'm quite content with my life.

I have my family. I have my work.

Well, you know what they say.

All work and no play makes a man...

Rich enough to pay our salaries.

All right.

Playtime's over.

Make some money.

Yeah. Look.

Miss Fine, I appreciate your concern, I really do,

but I'm just not ready to date yet. All right?

Oh, fine, I didn't bring it up.

I just came in for a fruit.

Oh, I'll tell you, it just makes me so sad.

Here it is five years later, and he still feels

like he'd be cheating on his wife.

It's a classic widower syndrome.

Very astute, Miss Fine.

Oprah?

Courtship of Eddie's Father.

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but...

I kind of miss the kids.

Shut up, Brighton.

I'm over it.

We're home.

Hi. How was your first day back?

Oh, I love school.

They opened a coffee shop across the street,

and they only hired really cute college guys.

And for this,

your father pays 7 grand?

Was it directly across the street or catty-corner?

Fran, I love second grade.

The conversations on the monkey bars

were so stimulating.

Ooh...

Some of life's best moments are spent hanging

from your knees with your skirt over your head.

I hate junior high.

I'm never going back.

Oh, now, don't panic.

It's just the first day.

Oh, he'll go back.

He will go back, won't he?

Well, if he doesn't, we'll have to hire a tutor.

And then he'll be home all the time.

Brighton!

Brighton, honey, you want to talk about it?

No.

Okay.

On the other hand, I think I'd feel too guilty

cashing my paycheck this week.

Come on, B, I'm your nanny.

You can talk to me about anything.

Except computers. Those things throw me into a tailspin.

Never mind. It's too embarrassing.

Honey, you're talking to a woman whose underpants

fell off in the middle of Bloomingdale's.

Really? What did you do?

I kicked them down to the Lancôme counter

and kept on walking.

Well, there are just some things a girl wouldn't understand.

I'm not a girl. I'm a nanny.

Anything you say

goes no further than this room.

I'm like a priest.

Well, not exactly a priest,

'cause priests are celibate and I'm...

Actually, I could be a priest.

No, not with that Nehru collar.

I like a nice scooped neck, a V, off-the-shoulder's nice,

all good for me, but a Nehru...

All right, all right, I'll tell you.

We were in the locker room after gym...

And?

Fran, I'm smaller than everyone else.

Smaller? How?

Just forget it.

It's too humiliating.

Well, what could be so humiliating

about being smaller in the locker room?

Uh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry to bother you,

but we've got a problem.

And boy, you are never going to guess this one.

Just make it short.

You...

You guessed.

Niles, do you need to speak with me as well?

Oh, no, sir. I simply wanted to be here in person

for this one.

Brighton was in gym class,

and, well, when he looked around,

compared to all the other boys,

he's... small.

Small?

You know, like in "petite."

"Poquito."

"Gherkin."

Oh.

And the poor guy's really upset.

What are we gonna do?

Yes.

C.C., would you excuse us?

I have to have a word with Miss Fine.

If I go, he goes.

Yes, of course. Niles.

What did I do?

Niles...

Well, now you've ruined it for everybody.

So... So...

Brighton, huh?

Are you sure?

But he has such big feet.

I suppose I'll just have to sit him down