Cougar Town

Good morning.

Hi, babe.

What'd you do?

Ellie bet me that I couldn't put my makeup on

with my eyes closed, and I won.

Did you?

I did it, too.

Aah! Why?

To make you scared and uncomfortable, Grayson.

I'm not scared. - Okay.

Then come kiss me.

No, I'm -- I'm fine over here. Um, thank you.

Why don't you kiss...

both of us?

Kiss me!

Hey. Why'd you call us over?

You know when someone loses their job

and is at home for a month,

it would be natural for them to go a little crazy, yeah?

Yeah, that seems normal.

Do you think that'snormal?

Oh, no! Zombies! Quick! Back to fort butt!

Two choices -- heads, divorce, tails, murder.

Both good ideas...

But divorce is messy money-wise.

But murder is messy because all the blood and the guts.

You're slippin' around.

I don't wanna ruin these new shoes.

So... I got an idea.

Why don't you try to talk to him first? Be supportive.

Gotcha.

Boo, great new outfit.

Get a job!

Have a job! Space cop.

I tried. Time to die.

Or... I could talk to him.

You know, he won't know you put me up to it.

Guys, I've had enough.

I need peace, quiet,

Ellie time.

But needy Nancy? He has no job.

And because Bobby's gone,

he's never on Bobby's boat.

Well, that's it.

Bobby's boat.

Bobby's boat!

Tom! Hey!

How's it going? - Hi!

One of these days, he's gonna notice me.

Right. Like you have a chance with Tom.

Come on. Why would you say that?

What the hell was that?

Tom, who were those ladies?

Just doctors from the hospital.

Dude, they were into you.

You guys know me as neighbor Tom --

kooky, nutty, perhaps a tad socially awkward.

But to them, I'm Dr. Tom --

Superstar brain surgeon, millionaire bachelor,

You know, cool-under-fire lifesaver

with a body that was built for O.R. scrubs.

You're the Dr. Mcdreamy of your hospital.

Why don't you ask out one of those girls?

A doctor doesn't date fellow doctors.

As hospital stud, it is practically your duty

to bag one of those babes.

McDreamy and McSteamy don't see a hot lady doc,

and they're just like, "Huh, how's it going?"

They're like, "Ditch the clipboard

and meet me in the breakroom for 10ccs of lovin', stat."

They sound cool.

They are, and you're them!

I had no idea. I'll give it a shot.

Here, Trav, pass me your Binaca.

Thanks.

*Booty, booty, booty, love*

*I'm-a rock that booty, it's my duty*

What are you doing here?

Watching a grown man struggle with his sexual identity.

It's called pampering, and guys can do it, too.

Why are you here?

My house has become

the secret lair of Captain No-job.

I needed a sanctuary.

And then it hit me -- Bobby's boat.

My house has way more idiots than yours.

And I needed a sanctuary,

and it hit me-- Bobby's boat.

How interesting.

We both want the same thing,

and yet only one of us can have it.

I wonder who will triumph.

We're not doing this. Okay, it was my idea first.

I'm closer with Bobby. It's my boat.

I'm the captain, and you're leaving.

Why don't you lighten up, fancy pants? I will go.

You are so bitchy when you're upset.

Greetings! Did you call for me?

Wow. You wore that outside, huh?

I was actually looking for Andy.

Oh, it's a Andy you want.

Oh, well, let me summon this "Andy."

Would you, uh, please turn around?

I need to keep my identity... secret.

Yes.

Oh, hey, Jules!

It's me, Andy Torres. What's up?

Ah. Still rockin' the undies.

Super.

So speaking of jobs...

We weren't speaking of jobs.

Well, now that we are,

when do you think you might get a job?

Did Ellie say something?

Does she hate having me at home?

What? No way, bro.

No, she especially loves the make-believe

and the dressing up.

Oh, yeah. She thinks that's... sexy.

Well, does she want to include it in our lovemaking?

So...Jobs -- let's get back to that.

Now just... Biz pro to biz pro,

If you wait too long between jobs,

you get stale.

Really? - Yeah.

Man. That's terrible.

It has been almost a month.

I guess I should call around, set up some interviews.

Attaboy!

You go out there and you take the bull by the horns!

Wait. Aren't the horns the worst place to take a bull?

Yes. They're extremely sharp.

So you go out there and you take...

the bull by the tail.

Wait. Won't the bull just then kick me with his back legs?

All right, well, you go make the calls,

and I'll stay in here and brainstorm about the bull.

Okay.

This is amazing. I can't believe I'm actually on a date with Tom.

What can I say? You're a lucky gal.

Uh, B.R.B., babe. - Okay.

Whoa. Looks like you didn't waste any time.

Thank you for opening my eyes.

I had no idea I was the coolest guy in town.

Okay, well, I didn't say you were...

I'm glad you're happy, Tom.

Yeah. - Okay.

Where's my ladder?

Hey there.

You made the "S.S. Prissy-pants" seem so good,

I thought I would come by when you were gone,

pull up the ladder, and try it for myself.

Ellie, I told you, I'm not playing this game with you.

All right, the boat is mine! I'm the captain.

Look at me.

I'm the captain now.

Dang it.

Stupid Ellie.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

I'm out for one last taste of life with no job.

Lemony.

I set up six job interviews.

I'm about to get six big fat job offers.

You think you'll get all six?

Of course!

I'm a born charmer with a warm smile, buttery tan,

and I've nailed every interview I've ever had.

I hate job interview questions.

"What's your biggest weakness?"

Someone asked you that? That's -- that's personal.

You get stuff like, "What's your greatest fear?"

Why? So you can use it against me?

"Describe a time you failed."

No!

Andy, how many interviews have you been on?

One... 22 years ago, but I nailed it.

The interviewer was my uncle,

But still... nailed it!

Well, things have changed now. The questions are tough.

You get judged on your posture, your poise,

the way you walk into a room.

Are you okay? - Fine. My -- my tie's too tight.

You're not wearing a tie. - What's going on?

I'm just thinking about losing my house and everything I own,

and my starving family living in an old refrigerator box

'cause I can't come up with my greatest weakness!

Need air!

We're outside! Take some!

More!

Andy go now!

He's gonna need to work on his poise.

I'm hopeless!

It's just a matter of time before I'm broke and alone,

sitting on a milk crate outside a mini mart

With a beard covered in Scratch-off lottery ticket shavings.

You listen to me.

Scratch-offs are a waste of time.

You gotta go Powerball!

I think you missed the bigger picture concern in that story.