New Girl

- Here you guys go. Some cookies. - Wow.

Okay, great. Um,

as you guys know, I'm moving in

with Caroline, and I'm glad we can

talk about this like adults.

Caroline is, uh, quite the baker.

Anything else, anyone?

You're making a huge,

life-ruining mistake by moving in

with a woman who turned you

into an agoraphobic,

turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.

I'm going to start over,

'cause this did not go the way I had planned.

As you guys know, I'm leaving, so there are some things

- we need to work out. - Yeah, like, what am I going to do

with all that extra money I have now that I don't

- have to cover for you any more? - Okay.

- Maybe I'll buy a city. - Oh, and you can open a mall

- And call it Winston's Corners. - What are you guys doing?

You're just sitting here and letting this happen?

What else are we going to do?

The guy obviously knows what he wants.

- I do. - When Nick leaves,

I'm going to call a plumber and just

throw cash at him while he works.

Fitties and hunnits, hunnits, hunnits.

Look, while you're at it, can you please call an exterminator

so we can get rid of that crime against nature?

Yeah, he's not fooling anyone.

You think, just 'cause he's

a snappy dresser, the mice don't see the hammer?

Mice come from all over the building

to laugh at that dummy witch.

Is this a freaking carob chip?

What, are you trying to buy our love

with hippie chocolate?

You idiot.

Aren't you going to miss this, Nick?

Winston, can you take me to the doctor tomorrow?

- He's taking the bandages off. - Wow.

The old Washington Monument.

Ready to serve this great nation once again.

- Can you stop? - What?

It's time to make this horse into a unicorn.

Can we save this talk until after we're done

interviewing Neil here to take Nick's room?

Hey, don't worry about me.

I could talk about my dingus all night long.

Neil, tell us about yourself-- you know, uh, anything

we should know, aside from the fact

that you responded to our Craigslist ad with a fax?

Well, um, yeah, my name is Neil.

Um, just coming out of a pretty hairy divorce.

I am in human resources.

Well, I used to be.

I had the unique, uh, experience

of having to let myself go.

- I did not take it well. - Let me ask you a question.

I would love for you to save your questions till the end.

Are you going to be a wuss about things

- like crabs and bedbugs? - Like, crabs from Maine?

I hope you like feminist rants, 'cause that's kind of my thing.

Neil, she's just saying this to scare you.

What are you...

- What are you doing? - Shut up.

I'm a cutter.

Neil, uh, I want you to give us a minute, okay?

I got to go talk to my roommates

- in the bathroom. Guys? - Okay. Yeah.

You're acting insane.

I'm acting insane? That guy's insane.

Look, Jess, when you moved in, we all had to roll with it.

To be fair, you do some pretty weird stuff.

You know, I still can't get used to the way

you let us know when you're using the toilet.

I'm good with Neil.

- I am, too. - What are you guys doing?

Nick's leaving.

You're his friends.

Aren't you going to fight for him to stay?

You're in.

Ah, yes! Okay.

And get ready for songs,

'cause I am kind of a troubadour.

This is happening, Nick. This is happening.

Whoa, whoa! Why you taking back your lamp?

I think you just answered that

when you called it my lamp.

No, man. Squatters' rights.

What's wrong? You still afraid of the dark?

What? No. Dude.

'Cause, if you are,

I'll leave this behind.

Nick, first of all, I'm not afraid of the dark.

But if I were afraid of the dark,

that would be a totally rational,

adaptive evolutionary response.

- Good night, Winston. - That's ridiculous.

I'm not afraid of the dark.

Good night, sweetheart.

Unless the monsters get you.

Hey.

You came.

Whoa.

What you got in there?

It's a hard cast.

Yeah, things didn't go

quite like we had hoped at the doctor.

Yeah, so I told the guy I had never been snowmobiling

in my life, you know, and...

Oh, God!

That's not my penis.

But look, on the bright side,

it is impossible for me to get aroused in this thing.

Here, watch-- say something hot to me.

Fresh-pressed linens.

Nope, nothing.

Not an inch.

- Like a swaddled baby. - Hey, Cece.

- They're ready for us. - Oh, okay.

Just hang out, okay? Have fun.

That's right. Ride that missile.

Grip it. Yeah.

You've got a whole tank full of jet fuel.

You're heading straight for the sun.

What the hell war is this?

- All right, turn around and face him. - Am-am I...

Am I supposed to want to buy a missile?

I don't understand.

Just pounding the drum of war.

What-what, did no one listen to Eisenhower?

All right, so that's everything.

I took my fair share of rubber bands,

so I don't want to hear about it.

In my room, you will find a shoe box.

In that box, there is a guinea pig

that I said I would bury,

- so please deal with it. - There's a corpse in your room?

All right, guys, well, thanks for helping me move.

What are we standing in a circle for,

like a bunch of weirdos? Let's go.

Hey, Nick?

Yeah.

Why are you rushing this?

You have so much time.

Why not just...

take a second and think about this?

I feel confident.

I-I couldn't be more confident, Jess.

- Are you? - Yeah.

- Are you? - Yes.

Are you really?

Thanks for helping me move.

I love the way he smelled.

Caroline and I are starting a whole new life together.

Right now, we're trying to decide

between eggshell and soft mint for the walls.

My gut says that eggshell is trying too hard,

but soft mint is really tricky to match.

Have I told you guys about the bay windows I'm going to have?

- Yes, you have. - Yeah, you just did.

They are stunning, right?

I'm going to curl up in those like a damn cat.

- That's the place. - That's-that's the place right there?

Right there, yeah.

Aren't you going to stop?

Yeah, seems like I should.

Um, hey-hey, Nick.

- Yeah. - What are you doing?

- I'm freaking out! Yeah! - What are you...?

Oh, no.

Oh, Nick Miller's freaking out again!

Whoop-de-whoo.

What's new?

Come on!

What the hell? You think he's okay, man?

Oh, no, no, no, he's totally fine.

We do this every day.

We just never invite you, Winston.

What have I done?!

Hey, Nick, I'm pretty sure

you overshot the apartment by like 140 miles!

Let's just hop back in the truck,

turn around and go home.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

- Okay? - Okay.

- This is crazy that I drove out here. - Yeah, it is.

Give me the keys. I'll drive you back to Caroline.

Caroline... no!

Well, that was unexpected.

I like it quiet, quiet.

Okay, I rode up

in the elevator with that guy,

and something growled in that box.

I hope he has a pet. That would cheer me up.

Um, is Schmidt here?

No, he's helping Nick move-- but, uh, Neil is.

Do you want to do a sex-only thing with him?

He came by my shoot earlier and was so jealous.