Good Omens

Current theories on the creation of the universe state

that if it were created at all and didn't just start,

as it were, unofficially,

it came into being about 14 billion years ago.

The Earth is generally supposed to be

about 4 1/2 billion years old.

These dates are incorrect.

Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC.

Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC.

Also, incorrect.

Archbishop James Ussher

claimed that the Heaven and the Earth

were created on Sunday, the 21st of October, 4004 BC,

at 9:00 a.m.

This too was incorrect,

by almost a quarter of an hour.

It was created at 9:13 in the morning.

Which was correct.

The whole business with the fossilised dinosaur skeletons

was a joke the palaeontologists haven't seen yet.

This proves two things.

Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe.

I play an ineffable game of my own devising.

For everyone else, it's like playing poker

in a pitch-dark room, for infinite stakes,

with a dealer who won't tell you the rules,

and who smiles all the time.

Secondly, the Earth is a Libra.

The entry for Libra in The Tadfield Advertiser

on the night our history begins reads as follows:

"You may be feeling rundown

and always in the same daily round.

A friend is important to you.

You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today,

so avoid salads.

Help could come from an unexpected quarter."

This was perfectly correct on every count,

except for the bit about the salads.

To understand the true significance

of what that means,

we need to begin earlier.

A little more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise.

Just after the beginning.

It starts, as it will end, with a garden.

In this case, the Garden of Eden.

And with an apple.

Go on.

This apple will give you...

It was a nice day.

All the days had been nice.

There had been rather more than seven of them so far,

and rain hadn't been invented yet.

But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden

suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way.

And it was going to be a big one.

Well, that went down like a lead balloon.

Sorry, what was that?

I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon."

Yes, yes, it did, rather.

Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me.

First offence and everything.

I can't see what's so bad

about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway.

Well, it must be bad...

- Crawley. - ...Crawley.

Otherwise...

you wouldn't have tempted them into it.

Oh, they just said, "Get up there and make some trouble."

Well, obviously. You're a demon.

It's what you do.

Not very subtle of the Almighty, though.

Fruit tree in the middle of a garden

with a "Don't Touch" sign.

I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain?

Or on the moon?

Makes you wonder what God's really planning.

Best not to speculate.

It's all part of the Great Plan.

It's not for us to understand.

It's ineffable.

The Great Plan's ineffable?

Exactly.

It is beyond understanding

and incapable of being put into words.

Didn't you have a flaming sword?

- Uh... - You did. It was flaming like anything.

What happened to it?

Uh...

Lost it already, have you?

- Gave it away. - You what?

I gave it away.

There are vicious animals.

It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already.

And I said, "Here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me.

And don't let the sun go down on you here."

I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing.

Oh, you're an angel.

I don't think you can do the wrong thing.

Oh, oh, thank...

Oh, thank you.

It's been bothering me.

I've been worrying, too.

What if I did the right thing

with the whole "eat the apple" business?

A demon can get into a lot of trouble

for doing the right thing.

It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh?

If I did the good thing and you did the bad one.

No.

It wouldn't be funny at all.

Well...

Good Omens, being a narrative of certain events

occurring in the last 11 years of human history,

in strict accordance, as shall be shown,

with The Nice and Accurate Prophecies

of Agnes Nutter, Witch.

It wasn't a dark and stormy night.

But, don't let the weather fool you.

Just because it's a mild night

doesn't mean that the forces of evil aren't abroad.

They are.

They are everywhere.

Two demons lurk at the edge of the graveyard.

They are pacing themselves,

and can lurk for the rest of the night, if necessary.

With still enough sullen menace left

for a final burst of lurking around dawn.

Bugger this for a lark.

He should have been waiting for us.

Do you trust him?

- Nope. - Good.

It'd be a funny old world if demons went around

trusting each other.

What's he calling himself up here these days?

Crowley.

Here he comes now, the flash bastard.

If you ask me, he's been up here too long.

Gone native. Enjoying himself too much.

Wearing sunglasses, even when he doesn't need them.

- All hail Satan. - All hail Satan.

Uh, hi, guys. Sorry I'm late,

but you know how it is on the A40 at Denham.

I tried to cut up towards Chorleywood...

Now that we art all here, let us recount the deeds of the day.

Of course.

Deeds, yeah.

I have tempted a priest.

As he walked down the street,

he saw all the pretty girls in the sun.

I put doubt into his mind.

He would have been a saint.

Now, within a decade, we shall have him.

Yeah, nice one.

I have corrupted a politician.

Let him think that a tiny bribe wouldn't hurt.

Within a year, we shall have him.

Right, you'll like this.

I brought down every London area mobile phone network tonight.

- Yeah? - Yeah. It wasn't easy...

And what exactly has that done to secure souls for our master?

Oh, come on, think about it.

Fifteen million pissed-off people

who take it out on each other.

It's not exactly... craftsmanship.

Well, head office don't seem to mind.

They love me down there, guys.

Times are changing. So...

...what's up?

This is.

No.

Yes.

Already?

Yes.

And it's up to me to...?

Yes.

You know, listen, it...

...really isn't my scene.

Your scene.

Your starring role.

Take it.

Like you said,

times are changing.

They come to an end, for a start.

Why me?

Well, they love you down there.

And what an opportunity.

Ligur here would give his right arm to be you tonight.

Or someone's right arm, anyway.

Sign here.

Now what?

You will receive your instructions.

And why so glum?

The moment we have been working for all these centuries

is at hand.

Centuries?

Our moment of eternal triumph awaits.

Triumph.

And you will be a tool of that glorious destiny.

Glorious tool. Yeah.

OK.