Satanic Panic

Is it supposed to take this long?

Mom, I... Wait. |-I know you're mad.

But, Mom, l-l didn't even want to do it.

Please. Mom.

Mom -- Mom -- Mom!

Oh, fuck. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

J‘ Kangaroos are listening J‘

J‘ Some koala bears are, too J‘

J‘ They can't hear my heartbeat J‘

J‘ They don't know I miss you J‘

J‘ You got pills, you got drugs J‘

J‘ What you need is a hug J‘

J‘ I can't see you behind your paraphernalia J‘

J‘ But I'm waiting for you J‘

J‘ In Australia J‘

What the -- What is that?

ltold you.

lshouldn't have shown you guys.

Oh.

Delivering pizza is a calling whose techniques

-are passed down orally... -And anally.

...from generation to generation.

This is hazing.

-Great. -

Got a double going to S Town, triple going west,

and the Presbyterians are having a lock-in.

Ooh! I get the pesky Presbies.

Hey, Karim, you're west.

-Young lady, S Town. -

Ain't nothing good happening in 5 Town, baby.

Samster.

Yeah?

You owe me $5.

For what?

Deposit on the thermal bag.

Oh. But I need that $5 for gas.

Look. It'll be right there when you're done.

Hey. I don't want my girlfriend crying.

I'm not your girlfriend.

You keep calling me.

For a job.

And here you are.

Thanks. It's great.

You owe me.

Please move. I'm getting wet.

I have that effect on all women.

You should meditate.

Real universe? It's in there.

Boopl

Wait. Why did you call it S Town?

Scrooge Town.

- -Never tips.

Shit.

Two fuzzy bunnies.

Um, did you order from Home Run?

Oh, I-I have another delivery.

-What's your name? -Sam.

Mine too. What are the chances?

You have to give me a hand.

-lt's the code of the Sams. -ls that a thing?

There are 7 million Sams in America,

and you're the first one I've ever met

.|.| .. -Sams helping Sams.

That's ourjam.

All right.

All right. Sweet. Grab this end.

Uh, that'll be $24.75.

-Thank you. -Do you have to go?

Well, after you pay, | go.

Piss. Do you have to piss?

-What? -I have this guy in here,

and he wants me to piss on his face, but I already went.

I'll pay you $12.

Uh...no?

Prude.

I thought you was Mexicans.

Um, that'll be $8.98.

My change?

It's laundry day.

My Richard doesn't need this in heaven.

-Oh. Oh, no, no, no. -And it's exactly your size.

-l-| don't need this. -Bless your heart.

Oh!

From one Sam to another, you rule.

It's expired.

In four hours, my total earnings

are an expired Applebee's coupon, a head cold,

and a sweater that smells like racism.

It's your first day.

I took this job for the tips.

You need someone to make sure you get the fat orders.

You?

The only movies I watch are documentaries,

and when I go to the gym, I listen to books.

I can satisfy all your physical and intellectual needs.

I don't have any needs.

You're uncomfortable because I'm authentic.

Delivery for Mill Basin. Five pies in five.

That's outside our zone.

I'll do it.

-Where to, Mad Max? -Uh, Mill Basin.

Five years ago, I took an order to Mill Basin.

The fuckers stiffed me for the tip

and slammed the door in my face.

So I went through the window, and everybody's boning --

like, dudes, chicks, dogs and cats, a frog and shit.

So I'm in there getting it, like, "Ribbit!"

Like everybody's all, "Unh! Unh!"

And I passed the hat.

Made $32.

You go to Mill Basin a delivery boy,

but you come back a delivery man.

Hello?

Home Run Pizza.

Hi.

It's my first night.

Sorry.

Okay.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Oh, wait. My boss gets mad if you don't sign.

[ Indistinct conversations in distance ]

Thank you, sir, and have a wonderful night

-and enjoy your pi-- -

Oh. Excuse me!

Excuse me, sir! I think you forgot to tip!

Please, please, please, please, please.

- -Please...

You stupid...

Hello? Excuse me!

I know you're home, sir!

[ Indistinct conversations in distance ]

We are gathered here tonight

to activate our fullest potential.

For 17 years, we have achieved unprecedented growth

thanks to team unity and personal productivity.

So I'm saying to you right now,

be prepared for a major paradigm shift,

because today is nonreturnable.

I haven't built my career because I needed to help others.

-Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me. I haven't sacrificed

all l have because I needed friends.

I do what I do because I love to make winners.

Are you ready to be a winner?

Yes! -Excuse me. I'm sorry.

But did you see a guy with a big mustache, kind of dead eyes?

Are you ready to take back what you are owed?

Yes! -Are you ready to just do it?

Yes! - Who are you?

l-l'm Sam.

What are you doing here?

I delivered pizza for a guy here,

but he didn't tip, and I need that tip for gas money.

I mean, if everyone here gave a quarter, that'd be like...

Wait. You don't know anyone here?

I mean, that would be like almost $10.

Yes! -Are you ready

to fully commit yourselves to Satan?

Yes!

-Everything helps. -You can't be here.

Mill Basin is actually outside our delivery zone.

You have to go.

Call forth the change driver!

We've...had a complication.

Complications are just opportunities in disguise.

Change driver was not as pure as she appeared.

Can she be salvaged?

She's no longer with us.

Seriously?

What did Samuel say?

Samuel wasn't happy with my hands-on approach,

so I've put him somewhere