New Girl

$50 in the douche bag jar?

- Absolutely, man. - Yes, absolutely.

- Why so much? - I feel like it should actually be

more in the 100, 200 range, so that's a discount.

Think about what you did, Schmidt.

I lost it.

I lost the party bus.

The party bus for your birthday party?

Yeah.

Apparently,

my business isn't as important

as Frankie Muniz's.

They canceled my rez.

There's nothing I can do; The party's off.

You should torch them

on Yelp.

Actually, I can do it.

I have an account under the name Fantastic Jacques.

He's a French diplomat

with very little patience.

Or you could just get another bus.

In two days?

Okay, yeah, sure, Winston.

W-Why don't I just go down to the party bus store,

where all the party buses have a state-of-the-art sound system,

a stripper pole, a love grotto,

and a steering wheel in the shape of a boob.

You honk the nipple.

It's pretty awesome.

Just have the party at a bar.

Nick, this is it.

This is my 29th birthday party.

This is the year. After this,

I don't know, it's just... just all darkness.

Was he crying a little?

Hey, I just came to make sure you're okay.

I'm not okay, Jess.

I had to cancel my birthday party.

It's social suicide.

I can feel my it factor going away.

And then what am I gonna tell Benjamin?

Why are you so worried about Benjamin?

He's your friend.

We have a very weird, girl-style friendship

where we kind of hate each other.

We're bronemies.

He's my fremesis.

I'm so confused right now.

Okay, look, Benjamin and I... we were suitemates in college.

Benjamin, I can't wait to get to L.A.

We're going to have so much sex...

in the morning,

in the afternoon,

at bedtime.

Mmm, peanuts.

I'm telling you, man, I'm gonna run that town

one day... You'll see.

I'm gonna write you a check

right now for $100 million.

How do you like that?

Damn, dude.

And this is a real check.

You can cash it when I'm rich and awesome.

Give me about four years.

If it wasn't for Benjamin, I, I never would have become

a Los Angeles baller.

Holla.

I changed everything about myself, Jess.

I lost all the weight, I changed my clothes,

I even dropped my voice half an octave,

but it wasn't enough.

I guess I'll just never be cool enough, Jess.

Okay, I've got it.

- We are going to throw Schmidt a birthday party. - No.

Yes, 'cause it's his 29th birthday

and we care.

Jess, Schmidt's world is different than ours.

They speak a different language.

They shorten every word to one syllable.

Okay, he once called an oven an "ovs."

- He calls an airport "airp." - He called ketchup "ketch."

Last month he went to a party called

Bros before Hos on the Moon.

What does that even mean?

And the dress code was "yacht flair."

- What? - Schmidt has a friend

who legally changed his middle name to Doin' It.

- Yeah, Doin' It. - Just one word: Doinit.

You are not emotionally, mentally,

and spiritually prepared to throw these d-bags a party.

I'm gonna do some research.

Actually, I'm sorry, I do have to go.

- I apologize. - Where are you going?

And why are you wearing your jury duty pants?

I'm not, man, I'm just... mumble, mumble, mumble.

Come on, lawyer party...

the classic fifth date.

What are you talking about?

I'm not gonna apologize for it.

I got nothing to apologize for.

- I owe you nothing. - No, I'm having a really fun time.

I love wearing a Bill Cosby sweater

in front of a bunch of lawyers who are younger than me.

Hello, I'm Bill Cosby, do you like pudding?

My son's name is Theo and his best friend is Cockroach.

That supposed to be Bill Cosby?

That's as good as I can do.

- Let's see yours. - Would you like to hear

- How he really sounds? - Yes.

I want to get some more pudding.

That's the worst Bill Co... How about this?

I got a daughter named Rudy Huxtable,

and she's the cutest of all my daughters.

I'm really glad that you're here with me.

Yeah, I'm happy you let me be here with you.

No, I really am because

I got to, like, kiss all the asses

of these 24-year- old law students

to try to get 'em to work here.

I went to law school.

- You went to law school? - Yes.

- I quit. Yes. - Quit law school... why?

Because I realized I hated lawyers.

He says to the lawyer.

And for some reason I find you

ridiculously attractive for saying that.

Why don't you kiss my ass, then?

Look, Julia, I got turned around.

I thought we were doing a flirty back-and-forth...

I'm actually just kidding.

I really do want to do that.

Oh, you would?

Well, we can make that happen.

- Great. - Let's go.

Let's go to your place.

Want to go to your place?

Do you mind?

Are you married or what?

No, no, no, n-no, no, no, n-no, I'm not married.

I am the opposite of married.

Before you, there was like, there was like nothing.

I've got, like, no girls on the horizon.

In a hot way.

Why don't you ever invite me to your place

or, like, tell me all that much about yourself?

It's weird... I don't even know where you live.

I'm 30 years old,

and I live in a loft with three roommates.

In a hot way.

But maybe you can kiss my butt when I talk like Bill Cosby.

All right, let's go.

- Is that going to work? - Uh-huh.

Wow, weird stuff works with you.

Hi, yes, I'd like to order a last-minute stripper.

Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage,

very bendy, with a heart of gold

and a crotch of gold.

Mm-hmm, yeah, I'll hold.

- Hey, Jess, Winston, this is Julia. - Oh.

- Hi. - We're just saying hi.

Nice to meet you guys.

Welcome to our home. Hold on one second.

We're doing

a surprise party for Schmidt.

- Who is that? - Oh, I didn't tell you

about Schmidt? - No.

That's our other roommate.

- Other roommate. - You know what? You should come.

- It's on Saturday. - Yes.

Cool, yeah.

You should stay as far from that party as possible.

Is it like a presents thing

or more like a donations to charity situation?

- No? - Just bring yourself.

Do you want to head to my room for a little bit?

Give you the rest of the tour around the place.

- Great, yeah. - Great.

Bye.

Hold on one second.

Hey, Winston, why'd you do that?

Are you hiding her from us?

Like, are you ashamed of your friends?

100%, and you're not my friend right now.

You're my enemy, Winston, my enemy.

Give me a kiss, give me a kiss.

No, that's the problem.

Thank you, Ms. Phatbooty, you're the best.

Yes, I just hired my first stripper.

Anything else I should get?

Do you like jazz cigarettes?

Hi, Tanya.

Patti told me that...

Patti told you to break in my office to look for drugs?

Hey, JK kidding, JK kidding.

You can do whatever you want.

I didn't know you liked to shop

at the Confiscation Station.

So what are you looking for... grass?

'Cause I can do a locker search on Monday.

Monday's too late because...