Frauds

Fancy seeing you here. What are the chances?

What have the doctors said? Cancer. Months, not years.

I wanna do one last job with you before I die.

From Bert? We keep her at a distance.

If your daughter rocks up, what are you gonna offer her?

Half a dozen eggs or the chance to be set for life?

You'll be clearing seven figures.

You gonna do it? As long as I call the shots.

We are gonna steal the Face of the Great Masturbator.

'Symphony No. 9' by Beethoven

May peace be with you.

May peace be with you. May peace be with you.

May peace be with you.

May peace be with you.

May peace be with you.

May peace be with you.

May peace be with you. May peace be with you.

Whispers: May peace be with you.

Priest Murmuring

She rebches

Murmuring

The body of Christ.

The body of Christ. Amen.

The body of Christ.

The body of Christ.

She Gasps, Murmuring

CLAMURING

Speaks in Spanish

You ok?

Is She Sniffing HIS Bollocks?

That's the thing about great art.

You see something different every time you look at it.

What's it about, then?

So, Dali was obsessed with this Russian woman, Gala,

who he would eventually marry, but at the time this was painted,

she was married to the poet Paul Eluard.

Now, Eluard jibs off back to Paris on his own -

some would say a foolhardy decision on the account of the high chance

that Dali was gonna knob his missus if left unattended.

Anyway, he did, and in the process, this was painted.

There's all this guff about his contradictory feelings towards sex,

but I think he saw a woman having a wank and thought,

"Oi, oi, where's my paintbrush?"

Wow. You really have learned all there is to know about art.

So, up your jumper and down the stairs?

Well, we'll come to that.

First of all - my stroke of genius.

We're gonna execute a swap.

We're gonna get that off the wall

and replace it with a copy that's so perfect,

not even the greatest art experts would know it was a fake.

Go on.

I've made contact with the world's greatest forger.

And how does one qualify as the world's greatest forger?

If I could name all of his forgeries,

he wouldn't be a very good forger, would he?

Reputedly a boy genius.

The beauty of all of this is if we can pull this off,

no-one need know that a crime was even committed.

How do we get it out?

Oh, the finer details are so tedious.

That's why I need you to help me.

Four cameras in each room. Minimum of two security guards.

The Masturbator has a camera trained on it 24/7.

Post-modern. Dali would love that.

She also sits next door to the Guernica,

Spain's most famous painting.

So, scrutiny in this part of the gallery is rather high.

Obviously, we do it all after hours. No punters.

We'll have to swap the security feed

so no-one can see us going about our business.

To do that, we'll need a foolproof distraction.

What, like give them the old one-two?

It's 2025 - I'm not sure that still works.

Oh, come on. Tits is tits. SAM CHUCKLES

All right, so we employ a little more sophistication.

Anyone in mind?

Miss Take.

Look, she can pull the attention of the guards while we swap the feed.

Bert, I know you're sick and you think this is a good idea...

..but we need someone we can trust, and she doesn't trust us.

Therefore, we can't trust her.

I think she would use this to get back at us for leaving her.

She's got a very long memory. I'm sorry - no Miss Take.

OK, no Miss Take. But we still need to put a team together.

We bring people in, we lose control.

Or we don't bring people in and we fuck up.

No, we need a team. And we need them in close proximity.

SAM SIGHS We need to do this right.

I told you, I need to make the decisions.

I want this whole thing on a tight lead.

No, you want ME on a tight lead.

Yeah, with a muzzle on it. Which would be nice.

Oh! The fake - go on.

So, we break in at night,

and then we go up to the gallery with the fake.

And we wait for our perfect moment. What?

Sneak past all the guards in our invisibility cloaks (?)

Well, I know a woman who can help with that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jackie Diamond? Mm.

So, Jackie helps us get in undetected?

Yeah. She'll disable the lasers and help get the painting off the wall.

The alarm is triggered by a change of weight.

ALARM BLARES

So it needs to be deactivated? Or we counterbalance the painting.

Oh, that's much trickier.

Which is why we need Jackie's expertise.

SAM SIGHS

She's been doing these tricks for 30 years.

And then if we can pull that off,

we take the real painting to the gift shop,

marked for collection.

Hola. La collection?

'The next day, they unwittingly hand over the real Masturbator.'

And we just walk out of here? Yep.

With a ten-million-euro painting under our arm

that no-one even knows has been stolen.

It's gonna be a lot of work.

We're gonna need a Plan A, and, if we've learnt anything,

we need a Plan B and a Plan C.

Yeah, and just in case - Plan D. SAM LAUGHS

What? You're off your rocker.

Yeah, but you love it, though, don't you?

What's not to love?

Ah, if we bring anyone in, they're gonna need paying.

Have you got any funds?

I had a matador costume that was worth 200 grand,

but someone decided to return it.

And the forger needs paying before he starts work,

so got any bright ideas how we can make some quick money?

HE SIGHS

Do you know anyone else?

He was it, and he was a long shot. You haven't got any other contacts?

No, I told you, I don't know anyone. That's not how I live any more.

I'm just struggling to believe

that you woke up every day for the last ten years

with infinite possibilities stretched out in front of you,

and you thought, "What am I gonna do with all my lovely time

"and all my lovely freedom?

"I know, I'm gonna go and feed the pigs."

Before I went inside, you were hell-bent on finding Caitlin.

Don't. What?

Say her name.

Well, did you get anywhere? No.

Sorry. Don't be.

How hard can it be to track her down, though?

What is this, Bert? Mastermind?

Specialist subject, the daughter I gave up for adoption at birth?

If it is your specialist subject, you're not very good at it.

It wasn't a legal adoption, it was through the Church.

You know that. Yeah, I know.

I've contacted them, but there's no way of finding her,

because there's no record.

So I've left letters, so if she wanted to find me,

she would know how, but it has to be her decision.

So do a DNA test. SAM SIGHS

Cos then if you're in the system and she does one,

you get a notification - boom.

Put my fingerprint into a database?

More chance of the police turning up at my door than my daughter.

Well, what if she does rock up?

What's she gonna think about you living like Goat Peter

on the side of a mountain?

Maybe I could help you. No. Under no circumstances.

OK.

What about Miss Take?

It's a no for the job, but she can sell the jewellery for us.

No! Bert, I know she means a lot to you,

but there's a reason why we left her.

She played mummy when it suited her, but she's a user. Fine!

What? I've just said I'm not going, so I'm not going.

Still got to sell those, though. And we're agreed on Jackie, right?

OK. Let's get her on the hook.

SAM AND BERT LAUGH

SAM WOLF-WHISTLES

THEY LAUGH

Always said your vagina could light up a room.

I got your letter.

Whatever you're planning, I'm not interested.

How much? Fuck-off money.

Well, that depends on how much value one puts on fucking off.

Everyone's got a price. What's yours?

That's not how it works.

You come to me with a price if you want my services,

and then we talk.

We need to run the numbers.

Well, maybe get your ducks in a row before you make an approach.

That's not a no. But this is - no.

Why?

I'm settled. I'm happy.

SAM SCOFFS

And it's too risky. It always is with you two.

And ten years without a peep from either of you

has been very peaceful - thank you.

You'd be behind the scenes.

If anything happens, it won't come back on you.

OK. It's good seeing you. Stay lucky.

500,000.

It's a ballpark figure,