Teenage Bounty Hunters

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Right here.

Clear!

You're still doing it wrong.

You have to go into the room, look around, see if it's clear,

and then yell, "Clear!"

- I did that. - No, you didn't.

You just didn't see.

I'm a speed reader. My eyes work fast.

Also, I know that it's going to be hard for you to pull this off,

but you have to at least pretend

like you're going to be intimidating.

You don't seem like you're going to use deadly force at all.

Uh, my gun's better than your gun.

Olive Bear isn't a gun.

She's nunchucks. Okay?

Watch me. Mm.

Not clear!

I told you I'd smoke you out.

You're going to jail, buddy.

That is no fair. You didn't tell me the skip was under there.

I decided in the moment.

Your room is such a mess,

there could be skips everywhere.

Also bedbugs.

Why does my clock say it's 9:48?

That can't be right.

That would mean that church starts in twelve minutes.

Mom and Dad are gonna kill us.

I have to shower!

If we don't survive this,

I want you to know that I've cherished our time together.

Same. I love you!

- Stop it! - I won't.

And I'm sorry that I lost your Bratz doll on that roller coaster.

When we reached the loop, my hands let go!

You're late.

Sorry.

What a wonderful ministry of song.

Thank you, brothers and sisters.

Beloved!

Before I begin, today's sermon is a bit adult-themed.

So, if you would like to avoid some uncomfortable questions

at brunch,

please send your little ones off to visit with the Youth pastor.

Now, y'all see me up here every Sunday,

so you know I like to talk.

Something you may not know about me...

is that most nights I like to go home,

watch Wheel of Fortune...

and have sex.

I know. I know.

Hard word to hear in the house of the Lord,

but why? Why?

I am a Christian man with love in my heart,

and I am married to this beautiful creature.

Beloved, sex is a gift from God.

So, I say to my married brothers and sisters out there,

take time to celebrate this gift and do God's will.

In fact, I'm gonna issue you a challenge.

Every single day this week,

I want y'all married folks to have sex.

Oh, I know, you're going to be tired from work.

- You're already doing the challenge. - Shh.

What? He knows you've had sex.

He probably watched, too. He sees everything.

It's so weird that nobody's at the Stevens' pew.

I know, right?

They're besmirched by scandal, but they're not dead.

Do you think anyone knows what happened?

- Mm-mm. - I hope his wife and kids forgive him,

but it's hard coming back from beating up a one-legged hooker.

She was a "leggy" hooker, Vernon.

Yeah, but it... it... it's just awful,

but we shouldn't rush to judgment.

It is easy for people to lose their way.

Amen.

Do you think...

Do you think God's mad that we're doing the challenge?

No. No, he knows that we're going to get married.

One day.

We're just being good students and getting an early start.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

You know, I miss you already.

I wish we could FaceTime when we sleep.

- We can! - Mm-hm.

All right, I'll FaceTime you later.

- Okay. - Okay.

So, what did y'all think of the sermon?

Seems pretty clear.

Have sex if you're married and only if you're married.

- Right. - Yeah, then we got it.

- We got it. - Got it.

Good. It gives you all something to look forward to.

- Yeah. - Being married and all.

That's right.

- Okay, bye! - Ew.

- Wait, where are you going? - To work.

You have two gainfully employed daughters now, remember?

Yeah, we could be out running wild in the streets,

but instead, we're stimulating the local economy.

Good.

Y'all can pay me back this week.

For the truck.

Yeah.

- Wow. He's really holding a grudge. - Yeah, like, let it go.

You know, a week is a long time if you think about it.

What, you didn't get a clear enough visual

of Mom and Dad making love?

You want to talk about it some more?

I can't help it.

I've got peen on the brain.

I thought it would have happened for me and Jennings by now,

but you beat me to the punch

and Pastor Booth is waving it in my face.

Bowser, when was the last time you stuck a fork in a pork bun?

Not this, not with you.

Okay, so recently.

- No! - So a while then? That's not good.

Would you please just leave me out of

whatever the hell it is you're yakking about?

She's upset because she hasn't sealed the deal with Jennings yet.

What's a Jennings?

My freaking boyfriend, Bowser.

Yeah, but she isn't considering

is the fact the people around her having sex are in love.

Wait, what?

Well, Luke, and I didn't even think of doing it

until we professed our love for each other.

And after that, it was kind of game on.

Right. Of course.

I just need a little intimacy to grease the wheels.

If it happened for you, it'll definitely happen for me.

Obviously.

So, how do we fall in love as fast as humanly possible?

Uh...

Anyway, my bondswoman is coming over.

What's that?

A bondswoman is someone who puts up bail,

- AKA, a bond, for criminals. - Oh.

If they miss their court date, she calls us,

we catch the skip, everybody gets paid.

Seems like we're doing her dirty work, but go on.

What we need to do now is get our story straight

about who you are.

Okay? Now I'm thinking maybe you're my interns,

and the reason you look so young

is because your mama smoked when she was pregnant.

Hard no. Not even in a lie.

Cigarettes are bad.

Yeah, they'll kill you. We're not kidding.

Let's say that we look really young because we stayed out of the sun.

Yeah. Ooh, and maybe we're former gymnasts.

As long as my thing can be balance beam.

Yeah, of course! I'm more of a vaulter anyway.

So after the Olympic trials, they studied criminal justice

in hopes of being licensed one day

as bounty hunters in the wonderful state of Georgia.

If we ever infiltrate a Brownie troop, I suppose you'll be useful.

How'd you meet Bowser?

Uh, same way you did, probably.

Yes, totally the same way.

- What? - Mr. Bowser and I...

Worked together. In a club.

- And then... - Became friends.

Bumped uglies until he married my straight-up crazy sister.

Wh... ? Plot twist. You're married?

Was.

Mm-hm. Chose the wrong door on that game show.

So... work?

Kenneth Chu. Twenty-seven years old,

facing two counts of counterfeiting.

No known social media activity,

but we do have an address that he used

to send himself stuff from Amazon.

Spry toothpaste, pool float.

Sounds like a freak.

Which brings me to our undercover work.

Above...

I have a finger wave,

a stacked bob

or, ooh...

A little red pixie that can go either...

street teen, dog lover... woof...

or lost Russian tourist.

"Hello, where is the Marta?"

Okay, Carmen Sandiego, we're not detectives or spies.

Go on and put away your little drag bag.

What? No, I want the good stuff,

like kicking down doors and shit, like Terrance Coin.

So, the skip's inside.

Apparently, he's a big bitch.

Luckily, I eat big bitch for breakfast.

Let's go.

Let's rope that skip.

Night-night.

He's a punk and a clown.

And that catchphrase?

You're jealous because he has 15,000 subscribers

and your mama won't even like your Instagram posts.