Mind Your Language

Oh dearie me! l am losing again

Good evening all - Hello Sid

How you doing? - What?

- How you doing? - Very much! l'll have a pint

l said ''how you doing'' not ''what you having?''

What? - Never mind! Come on

Hello curly! What can l get you?

- How about excited? - Congratulations

You are the five hundredth person to say that tonight

You win our star award, a beer mat

Thanks! A pint for Sid! - Thelma Ritter

Thelma Ritter, eh? l'm Giovanni Cupello

That is not her name! Thelma Ritter's a pint of bitter!

- Cockney rhyming slang - Sure l remember That is not her name! Thelma Ritter's a pint of bitter!

- Cockney rhyming slang - Sure l remember

42 pence!

And a packet of assaulted peasnuts please!

Cheers - Thanks a lot

- How is the Las Vegas kid doing, eh? - Terrible

- You never win nothing on this machine - l tell you! lt's fixed

Oh no, lady behind bar is telling me

lt is nearly time for somebody to be winning the Jack in the pot

l try again!

But this time l am not looking!

See l tell you, you not win nothing

Yes but l am getting three bars! Look!

lf l'm holding them, next time l will be winning

You've already spent one pound

Yes but if l am getting another bar, l will be collecting five pounds

Oh dearie me! l am not having any more ten p's

Could you be changing this please?

Sorry Ali, l spent all my change

Max - l got any ten p's

l'll be losing the jack in the pot

Ah professori!

Good evening - Good evening

You want a Thelma Ritter? - Pardon?

- Thelma Ritter, bitter - You've been talking to Sid the caretaker - You want a Thelma Ritter? - Pardon?

- Thelma Ritter, bitter - You've been talking to Sid the caretaker

Sure, he's teaching me more of his cockeyned slanging rhyme

Cockney - Excuse me

Max! - Yes Mr. Brown

lt's your point of interest! You have to remember what a cockney is

Sure, lt's someone who was born near the sound of Bows Balls

Bells - Hockay

You want a drink? - No thanks

- l just called for some cigarettes - Excuse me please Mr. Brown

Would you be having any changes for a pound to be putting in machine?

- You're wasting your money Ali - No l'm sure to be winning

- l'm holding three bars - lt's your money! Let's have a look

- Good evening everybodies - Good evening Ranjeet

Excuse me!

- What are you doing you damn fool? - l'm having a go on this machine

l'm winning the Jackpot

That is my winnings

How can it being your winnings? l am putting the money, 10 p. ln

Here's your ten p. Back

- Take your dirty hands off my money - lt is my money you bearded bandit

Quiet the pair of you! Why don't you share the money?

lt's a good idea! There's five of us

That's one pound each

l mean between Ali and Ranjeet! Then you've both won

- You are as wise as a Holy Guru - Thank you

Actually, it's time you all go back to school

lt's your exams tomorrow! You should be taking every opportunity to study

l know - Okay

We go - l go

Come on Ali! You too

Waiter? - Pardon?

A gin and tonic and a lager please

l'm afraid you're making a mistake

Don't be ridiculous! l know what l want

A gin and tonic for me and a lager for my husband! He's just parking the car

No, you don't understand! l'm a school teacher

That's nothing to be ashamed of

l think it's quite commendable

That you should supplement your income by working in a public house

Look Madam, l am not what you think l am

And l am not interested in your personal problems!

l just want a gin and tonic and a lager

Yes... - Now

A gin and tonic and a lager

- Good evening Mr. Brown - Hello Sid, how are you?

l'll have a gold watch

Pardon? - A scotch

l wasn't offering you a drink

You are? - Nevermind

A scotch for Sid! 20 cigarettes for me

And a gin and tonic and a lager for that lady over there

She thinks l am a waiter

What? - She thinks l'm a waiter

- How long have we been doing it? - What?

This waiting - l'm not! l'm not a waiter

You are? - Never mind

One pound 60 please

Well actually these drinks are for that lady and gentleman over there

- They've still got to be paid for - Yes but...

Never mind l'll pay for them and they can pay me later

How much is it for the gin and tonic and the lager?

72 - 72

Good health - Good health

There you are! 72 p. Please

- Didn't l see you take a drink of my lager? - Yes, it was only a sip

Oh yes l suppose you were tasting it to make sure it was fit to drink

lt was purely accidental

l've a good mind to report you to the brewery

Frankly, l couldn't care less what you do

Your attitude is typical of the working class mentality

lt's people like you that are ruining the country! You're nothing but a peasant

And you sir are a bourgeois snob! 72 p. Please

l refuse to pay for a drink that has been contaminated by your lips

l see

All right don't pay for it! Have it on me!

Here you go!

Silence

This is disgraceful! Ten minutes past seven and Mr. Brown has not arrived

But you are mistaken!

He is here, isn't he Anna? - Ja

- That's right! He's always early - Yes please

Tonight, he was being so early that he was here ten minutes before he arrived

- He's just gone out - Where has he gone out to?

Tea room - Toilet

l beg your pardon!

Toilet - Tea room

Would you like to try again?

Vot they mean is, first he goest to tea room, then he goes to toilet

Yeah

Hello Miss Courtney, sorry l'm late

But you're not - Really?

According to your students, you were here all the time

- Oh yes well - And where exactly were you?

We told you, he... - l'm asking Mr. Brown

Well? - Ah yes...

What is going on?

l don't know, but from their sign language

l think they're trying to say l was having a cup of tea in the toilet

Actually Miss Courtney, l'll tell you the truth! l am late, and the reason is this!

l'd just called to the pub opposite for some cigarettes

l was mistaken for a waiter, bought two drinks for two people l'd never met before

Was called a peasant and finished up by pouring a glass of lager over a man's head

You're an even bigger liar than your students!

l would have thought you'd have made an effort to be early this evening

After all, it's your last chance to teach them something l would have thought you'd have made an effort to be early this evening

After all, it's your last chance to teach them something

Before they take their exams tomorrow

Yes, miss Courtney you're quite right as usual

Not that l think any of them have the remotest chance of passing

ln your places please

- She thinks ve are stupid - l think she may have a point

Por favore - Yes Juan

What you think about this exam? You think we pass?

Do l think you'll pass? Juan, for the past 13 weeks,

you've all been coming here to study

13 weeks of hard work, diligence and application

13 weeks of blood toil and sweat

Slowly, little by little, you have improved

When you sit down to take your examination tomorrow

l will have no doubts whether you'll pass or not! You haven't a cat in hells chance!

Quiet!

Oh blimey, you are not giving us any confidence

Maybe some of you may manage to scrape through

But l shall be most surprised if you all pass

l shall pass to plove supeliolity of lepubric of China

Yes we'll see about that!

ln the meantime, l want tonight to talk about the exam and afterwards

lf any of you have any questions about any points you're not sure of

They'll just ask and l'll do my best to answer them

Excuse me please - Not yet Taro

l want to talk about the exam first

Then you can ask a question - Ah so

Now the first thing is l shall not be taking you

Excuse please Mr. Brown, where will you not be taking us to?

l mean l shan't be here tomorrow when you take your exam

Jelly good! We can be reading all the answers from our books

- There will be somebody here - Oh dear

l am thinking l am going to be up a gummy tree

ln any case, you're not supposed to cheat

lt's customary for another teacher from another school

To take an examination of this kind

Excuse me please

Later Taro please - Ok

When you take your examination, the lower Cambridge certificate is not too difficult

The exam is divided into 3 parts

There will be an oral exam and a written one! Then comes dictation

ls that his name?

ls that who's name?

The man who is going to be taking us to be doing the examination! Dick Tation

Dictation is when a person reads something out aloud and another person copy it down

Like a short fingered typist

Short hand typist - Yes please

Excuse me please

You can ask your question in a moment Taro

When you've completed your examination, the papers are taken away to be marked

And you will be notified of the results by post When you've completed your examination, the papers are taken away to be marked

And you will be notified of the results by post

So please make sure you write your names clearly on your papers

Christian name and surname

l cannot do that - Why not?

l am not a Christian

lf you want to be pedantic about it Ranjeet, write your surname and forename