Ed

Previously on," Still looking for office space, you?

Some guy tripped on Mr. Kucinich's walk and he's suing him for, you know,

so he wants to hire his girlfriend to be the lawyer.

What am I going to do about this?

You're going to do nothing, Ed, because clearly this poor girl is mentally unstable.

Why did you walk up to a complete stranger and kiss said stranger on the lips?

It was on my to-do list.

Every night before I go to bed, I come up with a few things to do.

Crazy things, random things, things I know

won't be easy, things that test my inhibitions.

Oh, boy.

I'm telling you, Mike, this girl is... I don't know what she is.

She's crazy.

Amazing.

Both.

She's got this whole philosophy.

She's this big, screaming bundle of life.

Okay, okay, here.

Here's the question.

Who would you rather sleep with, Charles Durning or Brian Dennehy?

Dennehy!

Exactly!

Me too!

The answer is Charles Durning.

You'd be certain.

Dennehy, Durning, they're both the same guy.

Are you kidding me?

Charles Durning would be much more considerate, much more giving.

Dennehy would just take you.

So are we ready for tomorrow night?

Affirmative.

What are we wearing?

All black.

What's tomorrow night?

Nothing!

Nothing!

Girl stuff!

Wig stuff!

Wig stuff!

I'm breaking into Carol's house to steal photos for some video collage.

You're going to make us watch Saturday night, the little engagement dinner.

You told him?

Pillow talk, Molly.

Pillow talk.

Hey, guys!

Hey!

Dennis, you're just the man that I want to see.

I got a question for you.

Yeah, what is it?

Who's going to be your best man?

I haven't decided yet.

Two requirements.

One, cute.

Two, single.

And cute, negotiable.

Well, I just haven't decided which friend it's going to be yet.

Normally you'd ask your best one.

Is that how it works, Ed?

Well, not necessarily.

For example, I chose Ed.

Ha!

Look, come on.

Get off the stick, Dennis.

Best man's got to get busy.

Busy playing the big ol' raucous bachelor party.

You know, Ed, I'm really not the big raucous bachelor party kind of guy.

Come on, Dennis.

What are you talking about?

Like, don't you want to maximize the last night of

freedom you're going to have for the rest of your life?

Uh, no.

No, I'm good.

Okay, okay.

Double jeopardy here.

Who would you rather sleep with?

Meredith Vieira, Joy Behar, Star Jones, Barbara Walters, or Lisa Lane?

Joy Behar.

Got my reasons?

Are you still working on that thing?

I've almost got it.

It's a seating chart for a wedding.

It's not the formula for cold fusion.

Honey, this seating chart is the difference between a beautiful,

fun-filled, memorable wedding reception and an all-out, pure-six brawl.

I've almost got it.

We've just got to figure out where our closest friends and family go.

I'll put my family near the booze.

They'll be fine.

Okay, uh, I have to have Nancy near Mike.

Ed.

Carol.

I don't want Ed at the wedding.

What?

I don't want Ed at the wedding.

The guy doesn't like me.

I don't like him.

I don't see why I should have to have that at my wedding.

Honey, Ed is one of my best friends.

I can't not invite him to my wedding.

Oh, okay.

I understand.

What are you doing?

Who is... Jillian Siegel?

If you get to invite your old boyfriends, I get to invite my old girlfriends.

Oh.

Gloria Joyner.

Dennis, this is completely different, and you know it.

Ed is a friend.

He is not an ex-boyfriend.

Right.

He's worse.

Worse?

Yeah.

If you'd actually gone out with the guy, he'd be out of your system by now.

No idea what you're talking about.

All right.

Well, let me see if I can clear it up for you.

Either you can have Ed at the wedding, or you can have me at the wedding.

Phil, what are you doing here?

Hey, I'm just opening up.

Why?

I'm always scheduled to open up, since I've been employed by this establishment.

Yeah, but you're always an hour late.

What do you call it?

Your morning me time?

Followed shortly thereafter by your mid-morning me time?

Hey, that was the wild Philly.

But he has been broken and saddled by two

cowboys that run by the names of Ed and Eli.

Is that so?

Yep.

Hey, I used to watch you.

Walking around here, you know, a little worker ant.

And I thought to myself, hmm, he must be Amish.

Is that so?

Yep.

And we brought on Eli.

And I watched him, and I thought, wow.

One hardworking guy, that is just ridiculous.

Two hardworking guys, now that is just plain inspirational.

So, here I am, sleeves rolled up, ready to toil in the sun.

I think that's good.

Yeah, by the by, someone's been waiting in your office for you for a while.

Why didn't you tell me that when I came in?

Hey, it's my first day.

Hello, can I help you?

Jennifer.

Hi.

Hi.

How have you been?

Good, good.

How have you been?

See, last time I heard from you was when, when was it?

Oh, I remember when you left that note on my pillow.

I was going through a really unusual phase when we met.

Wait, wait, don't tell me, you stopped doing the to-do lists?

Yes.

You stopped doing the to-do lists.

Oh, wow, that's too bad.

Because, you know, it's kind of funny.

I kind of enjoy having my life reduced to an item on a list.

Now, where was I on that list?

Let's see, somewhere between skydiving naked and kissing a total stranger, right?

No, wait, wait, I was the total stranger, wasn't I?

Look, I'm sorry I just took off that morning.

I got afraid.

Afraid of what?

Breakfast?

I'm in trouble.

And I need a good lawyer.

This town's got plenty of good lawyers.

I'll give you the name of a guy and you can give him a call.

Okay.

What kind of trouble?

I'm being evicted from my apartment and I have nowhere to go.

I could really use your help, but...

Okay.

For three rules, okay?

First rule, you're the client.

Second rule, I'm the lawyer.

And third rule, that's as far as it's ever going to go.

Agreed.

Thank you.

Tell me what happened.

What do you mean you don't see it?

I'm sorry, I don't see it.

I miss you, Drew, you just don't want to see it.

Okay, I see it, but I don't understand it.

Why can't the two of you get along?

Because Ed and I are natural enemies.

Natural enemies?

I don't even know what that means.

It means that I am marrying his dream girl.

Oh, God, that is so not true.

Yes, it is.

If you think Ed and I are going to be buddies, you're nuts.

It's never going to happen.

At least try for my sake.

I have tried.

Ed doesn't want to be my friend.