L'amore e altre seghe mentali

"Pomacanthus paru"

also called "Caribbean Angelfish".

The only monogamous fish: they dedicate their entire existence to their partner.

These animals are among the few to have understood the deepest meaning of love:

to dedicate oneself completely to the other,

with all of themselves, in full sincerity and for their entire life.

But you're a man, not a fish. So, forget it.

Devoting yourself completely to another person can only lead to one thing:

to be relentlessly fucked.

- So, darling, have you chosen? - Yes.

Listen, but these things... can my son handle them on his own?

I mean, just feed them, right?

You also need to clean the aquarium, apply antifouling, and change the filter.

Ah, l'antivegetativo...

Excuse me, but don't you have something... less demanding?

See? What was I telling you? Your mother doesn't want to be busy either.

Let me guess: she's separated?

- Yes. - I could have sworn it.

Well, staying together requires commitment, sacrifice, and putting yourself aside a bit.

And she couldn't do it, she preferred to destroy everything without giving a damn about you,

that perhaps you even suffered from it.

Now she's back on the market, she's opened a nice Tinder profile,

She's full of requests and finally feels wanted.

But how dare he?

A new match?

But you really are... a jerk!

Bait. There's no fish for her here.

- Let's go. - But...

And anyway, I'm never setting foot here again!

MASTURBATION

Cabin 1, ten minutes.

- Hi, Zaho. - Good morning, Guido. The usual 10 minutes?

No, 20. I want to take it easy.

Ok.

Cabin 2, 20 minutes.

MASTURBATION

MASTURBATION

Hi! Welcome to "Jerk Off."

- Hi. - Choose a category.

- "Latin." - No.

"Teen".

No.

- "Big boobs". - No.

- "VIP". - No. "VIP" already done.

- Create a character from your memory. - Stop.

Do you want to reconstruct a real character by drawing on your memories?

- Yes. - Good.

Where do you want to set your fantasy?

- "Beach." - No.

- "Luxury villa." - No.

"Mountain chalet".

No. "White limbo."

Excellent choice.

Now all you have to do is think hard about the character you want to recreate.

Please wait. The system is recreating the desired character from your memory.

Have fun.

And anyway, I'm never setting foot here again!

Mom, but... where are we?

In my saw. Get lost.

- But... - Shh. Take off your clothes.

And...

But what is he doing?

"Candle extinguisher".

"Pecorina."

"Spoon."

So you see that when you want you can commit yourself?

"Crab."

"Libra."

Sorry... Did I try too hard?

Well, I'd say so. "Libra."

Good girl.

So, Roberta, see? This is the head and this is the little body.

- What's the little body? - Oh my God, that's true.

Look what he's doing now. He's moving his little hands.

- Oh my God, that's gorgeous. - What are the little hands?

Wait, I'll pass it on to you... Here it is.

- Here's the little nose. - Oh my God, honey...

I don't see it. Which one is the nose?

That one, Armando. That's the little nose, can't you see it?

No... Ah! Well, maybe...

Ok, perfect, we're done.

Here, Roberta. You can cover yourself now.

Thank you.

Honey! Mommy's giving you a little brother.

But is there a DVD to see the images?

- Yes. - Because I didn't see anything.

The little nose, I was about to... Then it went away.

Maybe it's my glasses. I lost everything, I couldn't see anything.

I'm there, I don't see anything.

And he didn't take me into consideration, as if I didn't exist.

I'm the father, tell me something, okay?

- You said he's a man, right? - Yes, why?

Do you take your wife to a male gynecologist?

I don't "let her go," he's the gynecologist. He also treated Zaira, it's always him.

- Mm... - What, "mm"?

- Have you seen "The National Health Service Gynecologist"? - Yes.

Montagnani's character "screwed" them all.

But it's a movie!

It's based on real things, it's not a science fiction film.

Anyway, you're happy, that's fine.

Do you think a gynecologist would get excited with a patient?

Do you think Beyoncé's gynecologist doesn't get turned on?

Beyoncé?

Will a gynecologist have it, or do they treat it via email?

- But how do these things come to you? - Think...

Why does a man want to study gynecology? To cure something he doesn't even have?

For the love of medicine, of life.

To bring children into the world. It'll be nice, right?

That's the excuse. It's like saying, "We're going to war to bring democracy."

- Is that what wars are fought for? - Wars?

Wars! They're fought for money, power, and raw materials.

If you think about it, oil wells are also giant black holes, right?

Oh! There's a place over there, a parking lot, don't let it get to you.

Just to be clear, right? I'm writing to this girl, I asked her for photos.

You put in your credit card, 25 euros and she'll send them to you.

Then there are those who send videos, used underwear...

- What, "used"? - Otherwise, what's the point?

It's an erotic social network, not a haberdashery.

- She sells you toenails. - Huh?

For 80 euros he'll cut them and send them to you.

But 80 euros for one foot or 80 euros for both?

That's a good question.

Do you want me to write to her? Are you curious? Do you want to know?

- No, I just wanted to know. - Now I'm curious.

You are sick.

You're the bigot. This is women's emancipation.

A prostitute site?

They are entrepreneurs, "content creators"...

They understood that with their body they can do whatever they want.

- Were the chickpea soups for you? - Yes, dear! Thank you.

- Here. And what about ? - Here it is.

No! What the fuck...

My God, what have I done? It all fell off.

I noticed it.

Wait, I'll take care of it... Sorry, I didn't mean to...

- No, no, no! - This is worse!

- What's going on here? - Nothing, some soup spilled.

Yes, nothing, in short...

- Giulia... - Sorry, I got involved...

Okay, he's washing himself. Nothing happened.

I'll bring you another one, what do you say?

No, do this: if you give me a spoon, I'll eat it off the floor.

Giulia, of course you have to bring another one. Come on, hurry up!

Sorry, really.

What can I tell you? I'm sorry, Giulia is new.

- Look... - I'll have it cleaned right away.

Do you understand? She's new, the pants are old, nothing happened.

Imagine there are people who pay to have themselves pee on.

But what the fuck does this have to do with anything?

No, it was just a matter of speaking. She gets 150 euros, I swear.

He pees in a jar and sends it to you.

Still warm, look.

"What about the waitress?"

"A handicapped person who can't even carry a plate of food to the table."

"A fatal mix of clumsiness..."

Actually, no...

"...of stubbornness and ineptitude."

"There is only one question:

why does a woman like that persist in waiting tables?

Hi, Zaho. Do I still have time?

Just ten minutes, then I have to close.

Ok, mi sbrigo.

Cabin 2.

Is that chickpea soup for you?

Ah... Hi.

HI.

Get naked.

But...

What the fuck is going on?

- What is that thing? - I don't know, you're the one who thought of it.

No, I was like, "Take the bird."

Uh… uh…

"Pecorina."

Oh my God, how cute...

Oh, but you... zero? I mean, you're just not capable?

"Spoon."

- What is that? - Don't you see it? It's a spoon.

What, "a spoon"? What the fuck is going on?

"Libra."

"Libra"!

Oh, I said "scales," didn't I!

I said "scale"!

She fell asleep. But it's no use, we have to take her to the pediatrician.

- Huh? - Zaira is not in the car, breathe well.

I don't remember what he prescribed last time. What was it, a broncholytic?

Damn!

He always beats me, he's so strong.

Were you saying something, love?

No, nothing, leave it alone.

- Good night, love. - Good night.

"Leaf" to make "feffo"?

Eh?

Do we want to have sex?

- What do you mean? - We skipped Saturday.