Small Town, Big Story

‫"I'm a valuable commodity."

‫I see a dude coming ‫at me, trying to kill me?

‫I tell myself, get killed!

‫Catch the ball!

‫Booya! ‫Touchdown!

‫I make miracles happen, baby!

‫"I've got an ant problem, Jerry."

‫Nobody's looking out ‫for Rod Tidwell.

‫And I'm supposed to be a superstar!

‫No, not today, no.

‫"Crops have been destroyed ‫as far as the eye can see."

‫"There is talk of a beast."

‫They whisper the name Dobhar-chu.

‫Do you believe it, An Dagda?

‫- Oh my God. ‫- I liked her.

‫Ah no, love. ‫She's not well, love.

‫Down your daggers. ‫He is of Dagda, and I am an Dagda.

‫All shorts. ‫He's all shorts and no Mescal, isn't he?

‫"Then she sit there ‫denying and denying"

‫and I feel a misty coldness ‫climbing up my back

‫and the skin on my skull ‫begin to creep

‫and I feel a clamp around my neck ‫and I cannot breathe air.

‫God bless you, Jerry!

‫But this is what you're going ‫to do for me. Are you ready?

‫I hear a voice, a screaming voice ‫and it were my voice.

‫This is a very personal ‫very important thing.

‫Hell, it's a family motto.

‫And all at once I remembered ‫everything she'd done to me.

‫Here we go.

‫Show me the money.

‫Show me the money!

‫Phew.

‫Peasant girl number two. Wow.

‫So, does that mean ‫you're in the show?

‫No, Dad, it's just a callback.

‫- So, what's that then? ‫- You know what a callback is.

‫- Don't play daft. ‫- I'm not playing anything.

‫What is it, like ‫a second interview?

‫Yes. ‫A call back.

‫Sorry. Forgot I married Helen ‫fucking Mirren over here.

‫It's only a small part ‫and I probably won't even get it, so...

‫Is that kettle boiled?

‫I thought I heard it ‫like, a while back.

‫Were you nervous?

‫I'd split myself doing ‫something like that, you know.

‫Gets it from me. ‫Obvs.

‫I was just doing lines from a play ‫that we're studying at school

‫so it was alright, actually.

‫Oh, Keith McCurdle was there, Dad.

‫He cried after his audition.

‫- Like, a lot. ‫- He's quite mad, honestly.

‫The maddest person to ever run ‫a petrol station, I'd say.

‫I suppose lots of girls will be ‫getting callbacks

‫until they work out ‫what they really want.

‫Toast there, son ‫if you care for such things.

‫Wait, who's getting a callback?

‫You can be my Oscar date.

‫Actually, no, that's weird.

‫- Wait, did you really, though? ‫- Yeah.

‫Don't gloat, Joanne. You know ‫what your brother's been going through.

‫I dropped out of college, Mum. ‫I don't have cancer.

‫- Wisht would you. ‫- Fine, I'm taking a sabbatical.

‫No, cancer.

‫You never say cancer ‫in a doctor's house.

‫That's like saying ‫Hamlet in a theatre.

‫- It's Macbeth, you plank. ‫- That's great, Jo.

‫I didn't realize it was the kind of TV ‫show that had orcs and shit in it.

‫It's only a callback.

‫Here, when did this come in?

‫Production can suck my nuts.

‫"So, in terms of our principal cast ‫where are we? Are we happy?"

‫- "What's up?" ‫- "More than happy, Brad."

‫"We sent a basket of cheese ‫or whatever to Jemima Rowlands"

‫"and she's excited about playing Bridget. ‫She's bringing her cat."

‫Alright, sorry I missed ‫the morning meeting.

‫I think my gardener's stealing from me ‫so I need to catch up.

‫- "Where are we at with the male lead?" ‫- "Really close is what I'm hearing."

‫"Well, has he signed contracts?"

‫Pen has not been put to paper per se ‫but he is deeply committed in principle.

‫- Yeah, that's what he said a month ago. ‫- "And he meant it."

‫Olaf Frieburger ‫is a huge name right now.

‫- "I can't believe I got him." ‫- Fuck is that? I didn't ask for that.

‫Son of a Danish film director ‫theatre trained in London

‫"started chopping wood on TikTok"

‫"2 million followers ‫made the Bond shortlist"

‫models for both Dior and M&Ms.

‫Wow, what a busy fucking bee.

‫I just hope he's not using ‫our offer as leverage

‫and we'll spend all ‫of pre-production chasing a shadow.

‫He's the guy, Brad. ‫Trust me.

‫Yeah, and what about ‫all the personal shit?

‫Well, he does have ‫very many children.

‫Yeah, Google informs me ‫he has 14 fucking kids.

‫- What is he, a seahorse? ‫- Well, you know what that tells us?

‫"What does that tell us?"

‫Olaf Frieburger never pulls out.

‫Was that a sex joke there, Wendy?

‫Yeah, it was, Brad.

‫"Not bad. ‫Pretty solid."

‫- You ready, Dad? ‫- Shit the fucking plants, there he is.

‫- Are you alright, Sonny? ‫- Are you alright?

‫Better than ever ‫as the saying goes.

‫Are we still doing ‫the pub for lunch?

‫Aye. ‫I have a committee thing, so...

‫I found porn mags in there one time.

‫What's in there now?

‫It's so nice to have you home, son ‫reminding us of things.

‫We've completed option agreements ‫on most of the recurring cast.

‫And we're going to spend ‫a few days here in Drumban

‫hoping we can save money ‫on some day players with local hire.

‫- I did the town musical there once. ‫- Yeah.

‫Jemima Rowlands has started ‫vocal coaching and accent work.

‫But what we really need now is clarification ‫on who's playing the Dagda.

‫- We know who's playing the Dagda. ‫- Because it's a very important role.

‫Not just narratively ‫but culturally.

‫No, yeah, I've read it.

‫- And I know you have your heart set on... ‫- Olaf Frieburger. My mind too.

‫But I suppose what everybody's ‫wondering is

‫surely it's time to walk away ‫from the woodchopper.

‫He was out, he was in, he seems ‫likely to withdraw his commitment

‫the next time Skittles come calling.

‫- Kelly. ‫- Carol.

‫Carol, here's what we know

‫Olaf Frieburger never pulls out.

‫Do you know how many kids he has?

‫We could revisit ‫the backup casting list.

‫What backup casting list?

‫We were instructed ‫by your colleague at the studio

‫he wanted us to have ‫a backup casting list

‫in case your primary ‫casting options fell through.

‫My colleague is such a clever clogs.

‫I'm so lucky to have him.

‫Oh, here we go.

‫- What is that? ‫- A fucking sparrow now.

‫Honestly, this town ‫every day with this shit!

‫Sorry about your stuff.

‫Oh, it's fine.

‫It's only a bag my mother left me.

‫That's one of the local girls ‫who came in for background lines.

‫Any good?

‫Will you be wanting to photograph ‫everyone who's auditioned?

‫Would that be weird?

‫No. I mean, no. ‫I just, I actually liked her eyebrows.

‫I thought maybe ‫she knew of a good place.

‫I just color mine in, at home.

‫Oh, I know.

‫Have you finished with that pastry?

‫- "Hey, Wendy, it's Brad." ‫- Talk to me, goose.

‫"Listen, Olaf Freiberger's ‫agent just called."

‫"He's gone AWOL."

‫"So, now we don't have a leading man."

‫What is that, chewing?

‫And with a production this size ‫comes responsibility.

‫Every effort must be made to comfortably ‫house our valuable cast and crew.

‫We hope any temporary inconvenience ‫will be dwarfed by the success

‫we'll all share in ‫as the I am Celt family.

‫Yours sincerely, Wendy Patterson ‫executive producer.

‫That's a big ask, no?

‫I want to help the production ‫in any way possible

‫but my family are fairly fond ‫of living at home.

‫It's ridiculous, Seamie.

‫What other local dwellings ‫have been requested?

‫- She only wants my house? ‫- Well, that we know of.

‫Keith, has anyone else ‫mentioned it at the petrol station?

‫No.

‫I say fuck them, Seamie.

‫How did your audition go, Keith?

‫Well, it's impossible to know ‫what they're looking for.

‫- Not talent, anyway. ‫- Or passion.

‫I don't know, Seamie. ‫If yours is the only house they need

‫I'm not aware ‫if it's on the official agenda

‫but are we planning on discussing ‫the fact that dead birds keep dropping out

‫of the fecking sky, or what?

‫- I mean, I'm not a holy man. ‫- But not ideal, as signs go.

‫Well, the agenda is actually fairly packed ‫Keith, as it's a lunch meeting.

‫I could squeeze dead birds ‫into Thursday night's agenda.

‫No, you're grand. ‫Sure it'll be fine.

‫- I'll just duck. ‫- Why?

‫- Did you audition? ‫- Of course not.

‫Can you imagine? ‫I find selfies intrusive.

‫- Bet you did, though? ‫- No.

‫Drama and bloody history ‫shite does nothing for me.

‫I'm more of a song ‫and a dance kind of a girl.

‫- Well, I mean, that's plain as day. ‫- Maybe if it was a screen musical.

‫Right, like Mama Mia or something?

‫- Ah, yeah, that's more my jam. ‫- Could I trouble you...

‫for some cutlery for my soup ‫and sandwich combo?

‫- Are you with the film crew? ‫- Guilty.

‫- Not that we're dodgy. ‫- You need cutlery for your sandwich?

‫No, I meant cutlery for my soup.

‫So, a spoon?

‫That's the one. ‫A spoon.

‫I think it's just by your bowl there.

‫Oh, yeah.

‫Very swish.

‫- It's like dining at the Ritz. ‫- Oh, aye.

‫The very same.

‫Then my work here is done.

‫Mama Mia.

‫Sorry. ‫You're eating.