Malcolm in the Middle: Life's Still Unfair

I've been calling and calling,

and Tristan still won't respond to me.

So I'm sending my child in to talk to her for me.

I know. It's like all my guardrails are gone.

- -Ooh, ooh.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

That's all she said? You were in there for a half hour.

She likes talking to me.

Did you tell her she can call me any time, or text me,

or come over? That I'll do

whatever she asks to make it better?

Yeah, I said you were a desperate lunatic.

-Did she like that? -Dad.

Tell me exactly what she said.

She wants you to deal with this mess you made.

So do I.

Their anniversary is tomorrow. We can still go.

Then we can both be in your family.

I can't remember a nicer Christmas.

- This is so nice! -I love all my presents.

- -That's great!

Reese, the amazing dinner you made,

cleaning everything by yourself, all your presents,

so thoughtful and generous.

You really made this the best Christmas

-we've ever had. -Oh.

So, I'm the reason every other Christmas was crap?

-Huh? N... No, I-- -Yes, Reese, you're the reason

why every other Christmas was crap.

Well, look who blames everyone but himself, as usual.

Hey, you can't criticize anyone.

Nice drugstore perfume, Richie Rich.

Better than "a donation was made in your name."

How am I supposed to turn that in for cash?

Well, at least we spelled your name right on the card, you moron.

Who gives black socks at Christmas?

Why did you have to ruin this?

Thanks for dragging me here. Now, I hate Christmas!

No. Not possible. You don't understand.

I'm protecting the people that I love

from the people that I love.

Listen, it was unfair of me to make you my go-between.

No child should be burdened with this kind of thing.

-We agree on one thing. -What have I done?

No! She's the one!

Leah, never fall in love with someone

that's better than you, okay?

You'll just end up disappointing them

and disgusting yourself! Idiot! Idiot! No!

-I feel like if I comfort him... - Idiot!

-... he'll keep going. - Idiot! Idiot!

Tristan! I'm so--

What a rip.

Hmm.

Oh, hello.

Okay, be that way.

Mom, Reese finally worked up the courage

to come out of hiding and face your righteous anger.

She's out shopping all day.

I hid under her car until she drove off.

-What do you want? -Revenge.

What did I do?

You found out what I did. Do you know what this is?

-A completely trashed room. -Do you know what room?

-No. -Because you're a goody-goody

and you've never been there.

It's your principal's office. You trashed it.

-What? -As a protest over the slow pace

of progress on diversity and inclusion.

What'd you do? Leave a note saying,

-"I did it. Love, Kelly." - Oh, please.

I went pro 20 years before you were born.

It's easy.

Copy your handwriting just well enough

to look like it's you trying to disguise it.

Scrape your social media for characteristic phrasing.

"There's no activism without transgression."

-You gave me that! -

See what I did to the picture of his baby?

That's gonna focus some feelings.

What is wrong with you?

You'll never know. The court sealed that report.

I'm coming, Momma!

Must untangle umbilical cord!

I see light!

I could take the squirming

if I didn't have to see his hangy stuff.

Oh!

I made it, Momma! Hello, world!

My, my. What a big, strong voice.

Hello there. I'm Hal.

- -How you feeling?

Hot and dizzy and nauseous.

I called my mom and she said

she felt like this every day for nine months

and that's why she never liked me.

I've been thinking a lot about my mom's list.

-Oh, jeez. -No, it's good. I realized

I haven't been fair to her.

She's got Dad to deal with,

Malcolm and Reese are giant assholes.

She's older now.

She doesn't feed on the chaos like she used to.

Wow. I'm so proud of you.

You've matured just in time to be a dad.

Anyway, she's freaking out about the money

she's spending at the party,

so I was thinking we're doing okay.

We could help out. Maybe our present

is that we kick in a thousand dollars toward the party.

I think that's nice. Wait a minute.

You're just trying to move up her list.

One spot.

We're having a damn baby.

How is that not at least top seven?

Yes, we're having a damn baby.

How can you still be so fixated on your mother?

Because it's making me nuts!

Since the day I was born,

I've always been her biggest problem.

The first-grade fires, the summer camp riots,

the freshman plea deal.

She nearly went completely bald from the stress I was causing.

-I don't know. I got used to it. -And even recognizing

how futile and self-destructive it is,

you're still gonna embrace this insanity?

Yes, you get it! Love you.

Oh, my God, you said that? You're so brave.

Yeah, you know I don't care what those guys think.

You gotta float above it. That's what I do.

It's easy when you're pretty.

I don't know. I think everyone has stuff they worry about.

Is the cafeteria doing burgers or stir fry on Monday?

Stir fry. Monday's always stir fry.

I knew I'd be good at flirting.

- -Come in!

Hi, honey.

Sorry again about this morning, but I want you to know

I've done some hard introspection,

and I'm in a calmer place now.

-Okay. -I mean, I'm still heartbroken.

But I accept that it is over between Tristan and me.

So now I'm sad.

But it's a healthy kind of sad that I can work to get past

by focusing on the good things in my life, like you.

I'm going to focus more on you.

-I'm actually fine with w-- -I know it's the last thing

a kid your age wants is more time with Daddy.

But I had a great idea.

Do you remember Old School Manny's?

-Yes. -It's still open.

-We haven't been there in years. -Oh, I love that place.

-Me too. -The fries were amazing.

-They were disgusting. -No! Really?

Everything about that place was disgusting.

There was cockroaches in the bathroom.

The video games were sticky.

One time, I got a Band-Aid in my sandwich.

I don't remember it like that.

Because you were little, and it was our place.

We talked about school and your dreams and...

Why Mom left if she loved me so much.

Yeah, I never had a great answer for that one.

But let's go to dinner tonight. Me and you.

All right? They still have Zombie Massacre III.

We can play, and tomorrow, we'll compare nightmares.

That sounds great.

I'm really looking forward to it.

You can go back to talking to that boy.

Can't wait.

You look nice and comfy.

I assume you're here to beg for mercy?

No. Actually, I'm here to thank you.

This whole thing has been a real learning experience.

I learned what you're capable of.

I learned that the desire for revenge

can go way too far and hurt someone.

I learned I'm comfortable with that.

I learned your social security number is 987654327.

I learned how to contact the IRS anonymous tip line

about unreported video income.

I don't have unreported income.

Then you'll be fine.

The IRS isn't going to listen to a stupid teenager.

I worried about that too. But Agent Miller said

the national debt is 35 trillion dollars

and they'll listen to anybody.

O... Okay, you've won.

I've done this a long time, so I know.

Hmm.

At this point, any revenge I try

is not just going to be pointless.

It's also going to blow back and hurt me.

And somehow, I'm still looking forward to doing it.

I keep looking at this font. I can't decide.

Is this celebratory, romantic, or is this just cliched?

I'm running out of time. What do you think?

I think I clock out in five minutes.

Ten seconds later, I won't remember this interaction.

Yeah, you're right. It's cliched.