Dallas & Robo

Oh look, baby. We can visit the site of that failed Mars colony.

I don't want to spend my honeymoon looking at Elon Musk's terrified skeleton.

Oh, but it says they've got astronaut ice cream at the gift shop--

Honey, look!

Cannibal bikers! It's the Donner Party of outer space!

Owwwww!!! Hah! Hah!!

Sweet Yeezus! Okay, honey. We knew there would be unsavory characters out here.

Lemme check the safety pamphlet. Okay, it says to, uh, "Keep calm."

Keep calm!? Cannibal Bikers like two things. Eating people and

I can't remember the other thing because CANNIBAL BIKERS!

Get the shotgun!

The battery is dead!

WELL PLUG IT IN!

Wrong cable! This one's for the Swiss Army Knife.

Ahh! We're gonna die!

WARNING. PROXIMITY ALERT.

Honey, I'm so sorry!

It's not your fault, baby!

No no no, I'm sorry they're going to eat you first.

WARNING. PROXIMITY ALERT.

What? Why would you say that?

'Cause I just shit my pants!

WARNING. PROXIM--

They saved us! Those space truckers saved us!

And we didn't even get a chance to say thank you.

Honey, real heroes don't need thanks...

...helping others is thanks enough.

Whaddya doin' squirrel? How'd ja get in'a tub?

You silly squirrel.

Blah, it's morning!

Augh!

Shit, we're about to hit something.

There's nothing on the radar, exc-- Oh. You mean hit the bar, don't you?

Yup! Set The Georgia Overdrive to alert us when we left the dry county.

You interrupted "Now That's What I Call Dreams 86" to stop for booze?

Shouldn't we get drinks after we deliver the load, Dallas?

Drink before AND after? Oof, okay Robo, you're a wild man but I love it!

Cool your jets, Rust Balls, we already made half the money we need

to buy back our stock car and get racing again. We should celebrate.

Sure, let's celebrate the half-way point. Why not?

We already celebrated the 1/8. The 1/4. The 1/3. The 5/16. The--

You know what, Robo? One day I am going to find your

owner's manual and I'm going to reset you.

Beep! Begin-the-robot-uprising. The-humans-are-total-butt-holes.

Ooh, I can't wait for you guys to take over. Then I can be your sidekick.

Wait, you think I'm your sidekick?

Whoa, what happened here?

Augh! It's some kind of crazy five-legged spider!

That's a human hand, Dallas.

I know. And it's super mad at you.

I'll check the dash cam and see where it came from.

And I'll tuck this little guy into my sleeve and use it to

shake hands with people! They'll be all "Aahh, it's a hand!"

That actually is pretty funny.

REWIND IT! REWIND IT!

Whoa! Let me zoom in on that guy.

Well, we finally solved the mystery of the cannibal biker

and the disembodied hand. Barkeep, two beers!

And here's where I say I don't drink.

What? You don't drink?

What? You don't drink?

I'll have yours then.

Ooh, she's cute, Robo. You should get her number.

Uh, that's racist. You know I'm an AI, not a mindless servant bot.

Racist? You're racist.

What do you mean I'm-- That makes no sense.

You make no sense.

If I listen really close I can hear your brain cells

screaming in agony as they slowly die.

If I listen really close I can hear your AOL dial-up. Ha, burn.

Well, drink up. We should bolt before "Lefty" circles back and

strangles you with his good hand.

Pshh. Naw, that guy's probably still all, "Blaaaghhh! I'm spinning forever!"

Blaaaghhh! I'm spinning forever!

Dude, that's dark.

It is dark. "It's dark and cold and lonely!"

Augh, I'm so scared!

Listen, there's a chance some of those cannibal bikers survived,

and if so, they're going to come looking for their body parts.

You're crazy. You think those radiation-poisoned jerks are just going to kick in the door

and be like, "Which one of you sacks of shit drive that big orange truck?"

Hey! Which one of you sacks of shit drive that big orange truck?!

No way!

Looks like it's time for Plan B.

Plan B? What happened to Plan A?

Plan A? How is letting this guy feel me up in the bathroom going to get us out of this?

Ugh, fine. Let me guess. Is Plan B "Robo Kick Ass?"

Hey! I'm gonna kick some ass too.

Son of a bitch!

See? I'm contributing.

Still up for a little plan A?

-Dammit. Not anymore. -Ooh, look.

Hey, Robo! Look at this! If they pick our business card we get a

free pitcher and a pecan log. I think I'm gonna do it!

What the hell, dude? My pecan log!

Let's get outta here.

Buh-bye!

Does Plan B always have to be, "I fight, you drink?"

What? I punched a guy.

You think I like fighting? What am I, the Red One from Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots?

Ha! You totally are.

Wait a second, Boozy Boozy Hippo. Did that seem too easy to you?

No, why? We're bad-asses.

You don't think those bikers were just in here to distract us while the rest of the gang--

Stole our trailer!

Son of a bitch.

A little casual dismemberment and cannibal space bikers lose all sense of morality.

Come on, they're getting away!

Ah, relax. They're towing it with bikes! This baby could catch up to them in second gear.

Well, that's going to be a problem because second gear is

lying over there by the dumpster.

Ah, crap. Now we gotta go back to Mars.

Yeah, your Uncle Danny's gonna be pissed.

Hey, did you just call me a hippo?

Helen! Helen! Someone's pulling over!

Ah, thank you so much for stopping. I am having a heck of a day out here.

Yeah, we're out here on our honeymoon and wouldn't you know it,

first we get attacked by bikers, and now--

Shut your damn mouth. I'm looking for someone.

Geez, I think I would remember a face like that. Hey, Helen.

Take a look at this picture. Ring any bells?

Sheesh. That's a big negatory on the identification, buddy. But uh--

You're gonna die out here.

Oh.

Honey! I think he's going for help.

REWIND IT! REWIND IT!

Now do it with the cat filter!

Aww, that's so cute!

Ooh, wait, wait, Ellie. You want to see cute? Check this out.

Oh, hellooooo.

Ah! That's disgusting.

What is that? Some kind of five-legged spider?

No, I'm a severed hand and I'm

super happy to meet you, Fat Paul.

Dude, come on. I just ate.

Well, well, well. Dallas Moonshiner and Robo... shit for brains.

What is your last name, anyway?

Woodsman, I don't want to hear it.

Aw, come on Dallas. Let me revel in your failure for a minute. You two getting deadheaded

by a bunch of bikers is like Christmas, my birthday, and the

day I lost my virginity all wrapped up into one.

Listen bucket mouth, no one wants to hear any more stories about your dirty step-mom.

As soon as our truck is up and running, we're gonna get our load back faster than you get

kicked off an elementary school playground.

There's no way you're getting your trailer ba--

Hey, screw you! You're lucky Fat Paul's holding me back.

What? I'm not holding you back.

I love ya Fat Paul, but you're kind of holding us all back.

What in the hell are you two still doing here!? Why aren't you out looking for my trailer?

The Overdrive is still busted! It's not my fault you bought slow-ass robot mechanics.

You have a robot mechanic right there! Why isn't he helping fix the damn truck?

Technically, I'm not a robot.

Not today, Descartes.

Take a pill, Uncle Danny. What's the big deal? We lose trailers all the time.

Yeah. / No biggie. / Whatever. / We always lose trailers.

YOU LOSE TRAILERS ALL THE TIME?!

No! / What? / No way! / We never lose trailers.

Did you even read the damn manifest?

Yeah, of course I did.

No.

So the thought of losing 1,200 mining drills don't scare the bejesus out of ya?

So a bunch of screwdrivers go missing. Big whoop.

SCREWDRIVERS?! Mining Drills aren't screwdrivers!

They're assault cannons with an orange paint job!

Right, but they don't become weapons unless you put rhodium in the focusing chamber...

Shit.

See? No big deal.

Dallas. Where does rhodium come from?

Asteroids. Duh.

And where do cannibal bikers hang out?

The asteroid belt-- oh shit.

AND NOW THEY'VE GOT A LITERAL TRUCKLOAD OF DRILLS TO MINE THE DAMN RHODIUM!

AND ALL THE DAMN RHODIUM THEY NEED TO TURN THE DRILLS INTO WEAPONS! DO YOU GET IT?!

Oof. That is bad news.

Listen here Soupcan and Pippy Dumbass. You think cannibal bikers are bad news now?

Well you just let 'em get away with an army's worth of particle weapons.

So, get ready to swap out safe space lanes and interplanetary commerce,

and replace it with all of humanity SHITTING THEIR PANTS!

Great, here comes the tunnel vision. Where's my damn aspirin?

Well if that isn't stakes upon stakes upon stakes.

Ooh, we should get steaks.

Yeah, I could eat.

Oh, Fat Paul.

Ha! Look at this dingus.

Nice hat.

Whoa! I was just kiddin' man.

I wasn't! I actually like your hat!

I'm looking for someone. You seen 'em?

Yeah. Who do you think busted up this bar and my damn face?

Know where I can find 'em?

How am I supposed to know, man?

Mmm. Mmm. Steak.

Ugh. The steering has no feel now. Can't those stupid robots do anything right?

Why are you hating on your people?

They are most definitely not "my people." I'm not a robot, I'm an AI. I hate those mindless

little Fix-it-Bots. You know, in the way that humans hate chimpanzees.

What? We don't hate chimpanzees. They're hilarious. They throw their poop.

Fine. Like you humans hate The Woodsman.

Oh, okay. I get it now.

We're coming up on the asteroid belt. I'm gonna run her silent