Columbo

He's wonderful!

Last call for the howling contest, folks.

It's now or never for the singing basset hounds.

Most original basset hound costumes...

are now being paraded.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the parade of the hero basset hound owners.

Each and every owner in this event...

rescued his or her dog from the pound...

or took it in as a stray.

Come on. Yes.

Let's hear it for the happy basset hound.

Oh, yes!

Oh, thank you very much.

See? See, sweetheart? Look!

Mine's named King Archibald.

Well, this one, his name is Dog.

Excuse me?

He's a dog, so we call him Dog.

Oh.

King Archibald's won over 30 awards.

How many has Dog won?

Including this one,

if you count them all up, it comes out to one.

One award.

Oh, really?

Well, my dog,

maybe he's not the most beautiful dog in the world,

and there's plenty of other dogs a lot smarter.

But if they ever gave an award for the loving department,

he would win the grand prize.

When it comes to loving, this dog, he's the champion.

Aren't you, sweetheart?

You okay?

Consider the nature of a beautiful woman.

Nose of a certain average shape.

The dimension between her eyes, gloriously average.

Distance from nose tip to chin dimple,

average perfection.

Now, if each feature, in every respect, is exquisitely average,

then we call that woman beautiful.

Thus, the trick that nature plays upon mankind and the artist...

is to reveal the average as breathtaking.

You understand, Julie?

My back hurts.

It's supposed to hurt.

I'm hungry.

Always.

I'm bored.

Forever bored.

I'm not bored in bed.

So I've noticed.

Tell me a story.

Very well.

Once upon a time there was a worthless slut.

She'd rather eat than sleep, and she'd rather sleep than work.

So she was rather stupid.

Good. I like her. Was she very beautiful?

Yes, her face was very beautiful,

so was her body.

That's why this great artist chose her to be his model.

Sit still, Julie!

Will your model lead a long and happy life?

Long and miserable, I should think.

Do you love her, Max?

Of course.

For her body or her soul?

You have no detectable soul.

Enough of this.

Go to your room, Julie.

I have a wife to attend to.

Your first wife or your second wife, Max?

It's all the same.

Good, Vanessa. Perfect, Vanessa.

Everything is in its place.

I want your house to please you, Max. Does it please you?

Who am I to be pleased?

Every man lives in his wife's house.

You should be satisfied.

Well, I'm not.

Ah!

Mrs. Max Barsini is dissatisfied.

A shocking state of affairs.

Tell me, then. What is it you need to make your life complete?

Everything.

Ah, Louise!

Good afternoon, my darling.

Afternoon, Max!

Afternoon, Vanessa!

Good afternoon, Louise.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

You are adored, cherished,

appreciated, admired,

pretty as a picture.

My wife.

Second wife.

That cannot be helped.

You're an investment broker.

We grow wealthier by the hour.

See how it all works out?

With you, Louise, little Julie,

you all give richness to my life.

I'm blessed.

When will you be done with Julie?

The paintings or the friendship?

The paintings, of course. They're due in New York next week.

Leon calls every day.

In that case, only you can give me the strength to continue.

Tell me that you love me.

You know that I do.

You're a remarkable woman.

I just adjust well.

Louise, I'm lonely! Come and be a wife to me.

I'm only your first wife, Max. Vanessa's your wife now.

I refuse to accept this constant hair-splitting.

Tell me what you're thinking about.

Your dinner, Max.

Ah. Everything in its place.

Thank you, Louise.

You're welcome, Max.

Are we alone, Max?

Almost. Come, fill up my life.

What are you thinking about, Max?

Contentment.

Tonight, Max, your favorite.

Louise's bread. Louise's salad.

Louise's surprise.

Cioppino!

Mmm.

And now we share the pleasures of the table.

Our happy little family.

Silence?

Cioppino is never to be taken in silence.

You should chatter like delighted sparrows.

Instead, you stifle yourselves with thoughts?

I want you to love each other as sisters, and what I get is thoughts.

I see I'll have to set you a subject, like schoolgirls.

Very well.

Each of you is to tell us how she feels about the other two.

Well, I command it.

Julie, tell us about Louise and Vanessa.

I like Louise. She's kind and wise.

I wish she had been my mother.

And she knows how to make you happy.

Well, I was Max's wife for many years.

You're still my wife.

And Vanessa?

She's cold to me.

I want her to like me, but I make her nervous.

She wants me out of here.

I thought we were past all that.

Max, you're the one that'll want her out of here.

Louise told us about your models.

After a few months, you can't stand the sight of them.

Vanessa, you were his model.

I was different. I made myself indispensable.

More than paint on a canvas, or a girl in his bed.

I think Julie pretends to be a simple-minded little tart,

soaking up all your insults.

But she's just as ambitious as I was, and that frightens me.

And Louise,

she's a part of your life you'll never give up.

And that frightens me, too.

I don't know where all this is going.

And so you sulk.

I don't sulk.

You're sulking now.

I am not.

Louise, tell Vanessa she's sulking.

She's suffering, Max. We all suffer a little.

Vanessa wanted to wear your name like a diamond tiara,

Mrs. Max Barsini.

But now she knows that if she asks for more, she'll end up with nothing.

She didn't bargain for this.

Neither did I,

when you divorced me and moved next door with Vanessa.

And our model?

As for Julie, the child's so young,

she doesn't understand what a monster you truly are.

So, it's all my doing, huh? All this silent suffering?

Not at all, my darling Max.

We all wanted something from you.

In the end, I suppose we all get something.

Even if it's just a little attention from the master.

Still, I love you all.

I sacrifice myself on the altar of your selfishness.

Come, child, we have paintings to paint!

Leon orders it in New York, Vanessa commands it.

The vixen paintings must be completed.

To work, immediately.

He'll spend the night with her.

In that case, he won't miss me.

And I have other plans.

Good night, Vanessa.

Good night, Louise.

Thank you, little one.

That will be all for tonight.

Max, why do you call them your vixen paintings?

To sell them. It makes a story to go with the paint.

Infatuation and betrayal.