The Good Place

This is daily notes log for attempt number three

of my neighborhood experiment.

Obviously, I hope and assume

this will be the final version.

No, I know it will be.

All the kinks have been worked out.

This is the one.

And after I pull this off,

they're gonna hang my picture

in the Bad Place Hall of Fame

right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth.

You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

Cool.

I'm Chris Baker.

I'm your soul mate.

Bring it in, man.

Sorry, I must ask,

why are you wearing a sash that says "best person" on it?

Apparently, I am the number one points-getter

in the entire neighborhood.

Is that so?

I always have to have my sashes custom-made

due to my height and bosom size.

Also, apparently, sashes are out this season.

The diagonal line really draws one's eye to the chin bloat.

Go fork yourself, you mean giraffe.

Run! Giraffes!

- Giraffes! Run! -

Oh! Mean giraffes are destroying the neighborhood.

Gah!

Oh, boy.

Hey, robot slave lady?

Busty Alexa?

- Oh, Janet? - Hi, there.

Gah, still not used to it.

Hey, what if I, an already amazing person

who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn

even more about how to be a good person?

Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach

or an Instagram fitness model or something?

Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye.

Chidi, this is Eleanor.

Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.

Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy

focusing on deontology.

Hang on one second, Cheebee.

This guy's too big of a nerd. Who else you got?

- Michael, what do we do here? - I don't know.

Apparently, the Bad Place knows that one of you

actually belongs down there with them,

and they want that person to get inside the obelisk,

or they're gonna take all of you.

I can't go. I'm too young to die

and too old to eat off the kids' menu.

What a stupid age I am.

I'd never survive down there.

They should take Eleanor. She's a pear shape.

- She'd fit right in. - Oh, excuse me.

You wish you could have a bite of this pear.

I'll go. I deserve to go. You guys can stay.

- Chidi, you're not going. - No, I have to go.

- -

Holy forking shirt.

You guys, don't you get it?

Michael is torturing us.

That's why our lives have been so miserable

since the moment we got here.

This isn't the Good Place.

It's the Bad Place.

Ahh, farts.

Okay, attempt number 11.

Let's focus on the positives.

Eleanor always hates her house.

Tahani always hates Eleanor.

Jason hates being quiet.

Chidi immediately gets a stomachache.

So there's a lot to work with here.

Hang on one second, Cheeto.

So it's gonna be a hard pass on Superdork Jones over there.

Anybody else you got to teach me?

You guys ready for our lesson?

We're talking David Hume today,

bundle theory of the self, baby.

Sounds like a real banger, but you guys gotta scram.

My soul mate has some sort of surprise planned for me,

and he seems very excited about it.

Well, you two are certainly getting along

very well these days.

Yeah, I'm actually kind of into Sebastian lately.

I mean, he's a little hokey,

but he's growing on me a little bit.

Cool.

- Okay, no, no. - What?

No version of heaven for anyone would ever include

three hours of this.

We're in the Bad Place, aren't we?

Damn it.

That was a real trip for biscuits,

and now we're all wet, Daddy-O.

I never even got to play my stupid triangle.

No, no, no, no, Michael, please, please, please!

Please don't kill me. I have so much to live for.

I'm sorry, Janet, got to reboot you

every time I start over.

Oh, I know. I'm not actually upset.

It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism

that kicks in every time you approach the plunger.

- Go ahead. - Ah.

Michael, you monster!

Attempt 32.

Attempt 57.

Attempt 99.

Attempt 108.

I've analyzed some recent data.

Eleanor always seems to realize

that they're in the Bad Place

- just at the moment that... - Excuse me.

Sorry, the door was open, so I just came in.

Did you just say I'm in the Bad Place?

Attempt 109.

I've closed and locked the door.

Uh, yep, and we're ready to go.

This is your soul mate Greg.

This is your soul mate Glenn.

This is your soul mate Tahani.

This is your soul mate Lerf.

This is your soul mate, a golden retriever.

Hang on.

Wait a minute. You know what?

Holy smokes.

This is the Bad Place.

This is the Bad Place!

This is the Bad Place.

This is the Bad Place.

The pig's getting angry.

This is the Bad Place!

Bees, bees, bees, bees.

Oh! Oh, this is the Bad Place.

Shh!

Michael, Michael, if I'm gone,

who will take care of my birds?

Michael, no, no, no, no, no!

I... I'm pregnant. And it's your baby.

I have tickets to "Hamilton" next week,

and there's a rumor that Daveed Diggs is coming back.

Janet, we've been through this hundreds of times.

I mean, can you just chill out?

Is that possible, Janet?

Can you just chill out a little?

Nope, it's gonna be the same every time.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

No, no, no! No, Michael!

Please, please, calm down. Calm down.

All right, okay, calm down. Calm down.

I mean, why even bother at this point?

I'm obviously never gonna get it right.

"I'm Eleanor. I'm so smart.

I'm actually in the Bad Place."

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Shawn still thinks I'm on version two.

I just keep lying to him, and it's really bad,

but I... I mean, I have to keep trying.

I'm in too deep.

And I'm really fat right now.

I'm stress-eating, and I'm gaining weight in my thighs.

I mean, look at that.

Ohh.

So sorry. Who are you?

And where am I?

It doesn't matter.

This one doesn't even count.

Hang on one second, Chili.

This guy sucks. Who else you got?

I can hear you.

Michael, you simply cannot expect Chidi

to decide whether Eleanor goes to the...

- - Yo, yo, homies, check it.

There's something messed up with this place.

We keep fighting with each other.

None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel.

My soul mate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is.

I know this sounds crazy,

but I think we're in the Bad Place.

Jason figured it out?

Jason?

This is a real low point.

Yeah, this one hurts.

Ow.

Okay, this might be the one. We're a week in.

Chidi's teaching Eleanor, but she hates it.

Tahani still thinks that Jason's a monk.

Everyone's miserable.

I'm so happy.

Fingers crossed.