How I Met Your Mother

aways of dealing with nerves.

It'll just be a few more minutes, Mr. Stinson.

Some people chew their nails.

Some people tap their feet.

And some people imagine they're being interviewed

by renowned sportscaster Jim Nantz.

Hello, friends.

Every sport has had an icon who transcends the game.

Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan,

and the sport of sleeping with random hotties

has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson.

Barney, welcome. Thanks, Jim.

Great to be back on the show.

Good to have you with us.

And, you know, the stats,

they really speak for themselves.

Over 200 women spanning six continents,

17 nationalities,

74 sexual positions and not a single fatty.

It's impressive.

Hey, uh, with all these accomplishments, though,

there's one laurel that's always eluded you.

Which brings us to last week.

What was the story there?

Buckle up, Jimbo,

this one's a doozy.

It all started when I decided

to set myself a little challenge.

Oh, my God. Whoa.

He's calling his shot.

Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now,

that's who I'm going home with tonight.

And...

Play ball!

Hey. Hey.

How'd the date with Dale go?

You know, sometimes, that guy with the horn-rimmed glasses

and the Smurfs T-shirt is just being ironic.

Sometimes,

he is a dork with a lazy eye

and a love-hate relationship with Gargamel.

Robin, just because a guy talks a lot

about a fictional character on a first date

doesn't mean he's not husband material.

Sasquatch isn't fictional.

That was quick.

So, night one was pretty routine.

Jim, there is nothing routine about the way I get down.

Respect.

Take us to night two.

See that hottie over there nursing a Black Russian?

She's about to chase that with a white American.

Up top!

You know...

if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.

You guys, what should I say

when Dale calls for a second date?

How do you know he's going to call?

You're cute, Marshall.

But I think Mama knows when a dude's digging the show.

I mean, he couldn't keep his good eye off me.

Well, let him down easy.

People are fragile.

And sometimes, without even meaning to,

you might rip someone's beating heart out

and stomp on it in a room full of 26 people

and a teacher's assistant.

How did school go today, Ted?

Something bad happened.

It was the first class of the new semester...

Jamie Adamic.

Hi.

Brian Glow-atz.

Glau-atz?

Hi.

Well done.

Adding a fake name to the sign-up sheet.

That's, uh... that's real original, guys.

You know, I'd expect

inspired minds such as yours to be a little more mature,

and frankly, more creative.

I mean, seriously.

What kind of a fake name is Cook Pu?

Here. (laughs) Come on, guys.

It's got to at least sound real.

Cook Pu?

Here.

Whatever happened to the classics?

Right, you know?

Seymour Butts.

Hugh Gerection.

Those were fake names, but Cook Pu?

: Here.

Cook Pu!

She's back here, bro.

All right, come on, let me have it.

Bring on all the Cook Pu jokes.

Oh, we're not going to make jokes, Ted.

I mean, that girl must be really down in the dumps.

You really...

smeared the Pu name.

You guys finished?

Are you asking us if all the Pu is out of our system?

Wow, back-to-back nights.

Barney is on fire.

That girl's lucky.

Barney was the best sex I ever had.

He's the best friend I've ever had.

He's everything I want Marshall to be.

He's everything I wish I could be.

I'm just assuming that's what they say when I'm not around.

I buy it. You're awesome.

Now, night three.

Paint us a word picture.

Jim, I could tell I was on a roll,

so I decided to mix things up a little bit.

I think I'm going to go small boobs tonight.

You're disgusting.

Lily, they're people, too.

Here's your burgers. Oh, thank you.

Thanks. TED: What, you're not sharing?

You two always share a burger.

No, we don't.

We're not like weirdos who share everything.

Uh, yeah, you are. That's exactly what you are.

We're perfectly normal!

Guys, what's going on?

You know how Lily and I

have been looking for new couple friends

ever since we lost Robin and Barney,

and Ted and Stella,

and Ted and Robin, and Ted and Victoria?

Geez, Ted, when are you going to get your life together?

How did we end up here?

We went on a great double date last night.

It... we were cool.

We were casual.

We didn't spaz out.

And then, one tiny little detail came out

and the whole night was ruined. Ruined!

And Joanna's toothbrush

flips off the side of the sink,

hits the ceiling and falls right into the toilet.

Come on. That's... That's crazy.

Last week, the same thing happened to our toothbrush.

Our toothbrush?

Yeah.

Like, one toothbrush?

That you both use?

Every day?

Is that weird?

Super weird.

Marshall, four out of five dentists

just threw up in their mouths.

Hey, check it out.

Barney's leaving with another girl.

Wow.

Three girls in three nights.

That's gross, even for Barney.

Gross? Are you kidding?

He's on his way to a perfect...

: Don't say it!

You'll jinx it.

Jinx what?

I was on my way toward...

a perfect week.

The perfect week.

Seven nights, seven girls, zero rejections.

Incredible.

I mean, it's really like the sexual equivalent

of baseball's perfect game, but even rarer.

Yeah. Uh, the only player in history

to have ever achieved both

was Mustache Pete Drexell back in 1896.

(crowd cheering, lively organ music playing)

Now, this wasn't the first time

you'd come close to a perfect week.

You learned the hard way, though-

one mistake, and it's all over.

Sometimes, a teammate makes an error.

Sometimes, one wild pitch...

You, me, the canned food aisle in the bodega next door.

...leads to a walk.

And sometimes, you just lose focus.

And that almost always leads to a hit.

But this week, you were three for three

with no sign of slowing down.

I could do no wrong.

Wish I could say the same for my friends.

Cook didn't show up for class today.

I'm sorry.

Cook?

Yeah, Ted, we know, like, a ton of people named Cook.

Yeah.

Cook Pu.

Uh-oh, here we go.

The dreaded Dale call.

Oh. It's my mom.

She's going through some pretty major league health stuff.

God, why won't that guy call?