It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

We never had kings in this country. No.

That was the whole point of this country. We didn't want a king.

We didn't want the king.

Son of a bitch! Guys, guys, guys!

Oh!

Oh! Are you okay?

Oh! Oh!

I think you broke your nose.

I'm screwed. I'm screwed.

Ah!

Oh, strange man, titty bar.

A great investment opportunity.

Beauty pageant.

Are you getting it? Yeah, yeah, I think I got this.

You met a strange man at a titty bar...

who offered you a great opportunity to invest in a beauty pageant?

Everything looked very legit.

It was all in place. He had all the connections.

He wanted somebody to front the money... me.

Okay, fine. I've always wanted to do a beauty pageant.

Stop. Why?

Because you make a lot of cash...

and you ogle some broads.

I don't question that aspect of it.

That seems right up your alley, bro.

This jerk gets pinched for coming on to one of the contestants,

and now it looks like a whole scam.

And if I don't legitimize this thing,

everybody's gonna think I'm just like him.

- Why don't you just drop the whole thing? - I can't, Charlie.

It's already going. It's in motion.

I mean, it's really a mess.

Any second now, there's gonna be broads walking through that door in swimsuits.

- Awesome. - That's a good thing.

I don't see what the problem is here, Frank.

Oh, oh, oh!

Looks like somebody forgot their swimsuit.

Come on, girls.

That's the problem.

A kids' pageant?

I didn't know. Are you kidding me?

I didn't know it was a kids' pageant.

The guy didn't make that clear. Now I'm lumped in with a diddler.

- What am I gonna do? - This is a mess.

I don't know what the big deal is.

I did pageants all the time when I was little.

The big deal?

Mothers force their kids into this...

so that they can dress 'em up like dolls...

and parade them around like sex objects.

- It's creepy. - My mother didn't force me into it.

- I entered them myself. - Yeah, that's true.

When Dee used to enter pageants when we were kids,

Mom used to tell her not to waste her time, because she isn't pretty enough.

She would say that, and then I would jam it right in her face when I'd win them.

How would you win pageants? Did you have a different face?

No, she was a dog back then too. It's just that she worked at it.

She used to go to tanning, and she practiced with her makeup.

I'll give you that. You did a lot of that practicing. Thanks, Frank.

Yeah, yeah, you guys got to change your thinking about child pageants.

Child pageants... that's American tradition right there.

Child pageantry?

Think about it. In other countries,

women that can't show their ankles, right?

They got to be in those big black tarps or whatever.

Mm-hmm. In America,

we can show toddlers in tiny bikinis.

- We can make them tan, because that's our right. - Mm-hmm.

As Americans, okay?

Child pageantry is an essential part of the American fabric.

You know what? We should dress up our little kids...

just to show other people that we can.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I never thought about it that way. This is about freedom, isn't it?

- Mm-hmm. - We can do whatever we want with our kids.

Yeah. And that's what America is all about.

You know what you just did, Charlie?

You just loaded up that train with coal,

and now it's ready to tear down the tracks. Yes!

- That was inspiring as hell. - Let's throw ourselves a pageant!

- Let's do a child pageant. - U.S.A.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Good.

Calm down, everybody. Calm down. Calm down.

Thanks for coming to Frank's Little Beauties.

I wanna thank you all for participating.

I know some of you may have heard about that other guy.

I am not gonna diddle your kids.

I'm not like that. That's not my thing.

I met that guy in a titty bar. That's enough.

It's like a... That's enough.

Hi there. Dee Reynolds, former pageant winner.

I know how these things work,

so, uh, your kids are in good hands.

Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.

Frank, will you... Frank, your nose is bleeding all over the place.

Do I look suspicious?

You look grotesque.

"Magic's in the air."

See, this is fun. Yeah.

We shouldn't be looking at this pageant as a problem.

We should be looking at this as an opportunity...

to do something we've never done before.

This is right in our wheelhouse. I'm having a blast putting this...

Hey, I'm thinking maybe we could actually be in this thing.

I'm glad you said it, because I'm desperate to be in this thing.

Oh! I didn't realize it was even a conversation.

I always assumed we would be heavily involved.

This is bad.

We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids.

There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids...

than by writing a song about it.

You gotta write a song. It's like...

Something like that.

Don't write a song about that. No.

I'm cloudy. I got a headache.

Uh, excuse me. Who's in charge here?

Well, usually that's whoever yells the loudest,

but I am the only one here right now, so I am in charge.

Oh, hi. Uh, my name is Walter Harris. Hi.

I'm with the Family Association for the Protection of Children.

No! Ooh, ooh.

Okay.

Uh, you know, I... I'm-I'm pretty much...

I'm in charge of this, the chairs and...

setting up... the chairs. Mm.

But there's a guy. Uh... Uh, there's a fat guy.

Uh, his face is busted to bits, and he... he's in charge.

He's... He's the guy that you wanna talk to.

He might be this way, so I'll go...

I'm gonna go back here and look for him.

Uh, you check it out around the corner.

Real jacked-up face and fat.

So, how's everyone doing today? Is everyone feeling safe?

The F.A.P.C., huh?

That's what he said. They're siccing the dogs after us.

- We're screwed. - Hey, we're fine, Frank.

We got nothing to hide. Yeah, you know what?

To be honest with you, I'm glad he's gonna observe us.

Somebody should be looking out for these kids.

Yeah, those mothers just left their kids here in a bar...

with complete strangers in a pageant that's under investigation.

They're terrible parents.

Yeah. This is a mess!

Frank, go lay down and put some ice on your face,

'cause you look terrible.

Jesus, Frank, fix your face, for God's sake. Relax.

Go. Go. We'll take care of everything in here.

Everything's gonna be fine, Frank. Yeah, we got it. We got it.

It's all gonna be fine.

Now, you pinned the whole thing on him, right?

- Oh, yeah, of course I did. - Good, good, good.

Good thinking.

Okay, ladies, chins up, hands down, step forward.

One, two, three, one, two.

Fan, turn. Hit it! Stick it!

Let me see it!

Pose!

Come on! Hit the line. Get in line.

What is this? Guys, we gotta put on a show!

I thought you were professionals.

That's what I'm looking for, and I don't see professionals.

I see amateurs.

I see trash...

Little pieces of trash on my stage.

You guys are dummies. It's not even hard.

You are dumb.

It's not hard.

Samantha's mean.

Samantha gets to be mean...

because Samantha is a star, okay?

Maybe one day you'll be a star, but right now you're not. You're junk.

I have to go to the bathroom. You belong in the bathroom.

Go! Let's take a five. Let's take a break.

I'm so upset. Are you okay? You're doing great.

We'll be dressed very stylishly for the performance.

It's gonna be a great performance, Walter, very classy.

I look forward to seeing it. Just make sure that the children are featured.

That is who this is about.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's about the kids.

Absolutely. All about the kids, yeah. Absolutely, yeah. No, totally.

Walter, you wanna come sit with us? Yeah, come sit with...

You lost him. Hello, everybody.

He's all business, that guy, you know? He is all over us, man.

We gotta put on a good show, you guys. We got to.

Hello. That was some pretty impressive work out there, Samantha.

Excuse me. I'm eating my lunch.

Well, don't get sassy with me. I'm trying to pay you a compliment.

You know, I see a lot of myself in you.

You're not like me. You're ugly.

You don't say... That's not something you say.

Y... You're mean. You're the meanest girl in the world.

Okay, you know what?

You better thank your lucky stars I'm not in this competition...

because I would eat you for breakfast.

You're driving me nuts.

I don't like your hair. It's dumb.

Your hair looks like it's dead. All right, that's it.