Teenage Bounty Hunters

Ooh!

I got him in the nostril!

Wow, you look just like Mom right now.

With my hair pulled back? I totally thought that this morning.

No, I mean adeptly handling a deadly weapon.

By the way,

who do you think she's going to shoot

with her secret gun from her secret storage unit?

Blair...

... I know you saw something that you thought felt weird, but...

Oh, my God! That's extremely condescending.

Mom isn't a criminal mastermind, okay? She hates crime.

Remember when she made you return that MoonPie

that you stole from Piggly Wiggly

when we were driving to Seaside in the fourth grade?

It was a Goo Goo Cluster from Harris Teeter

when we were driving back from Seaside in the third grade.

You're saying you won't even consider the possibility

that she's lying to us at least?

Fine. If you make this bullseye, dead center,

then I will consider the possibility

that Mom is leading some dangerous double life.

- Really? - Really.

- I got him in the nuts! - Doesn't count.

I totally got him in the nuts.

- It doesn't count. - That totally counts.

We didn't say nothing about nuts.

Well, it's a bullseye of some sort.

Bullseye.

I've landed on a theory.

She's a part of the Dixie Mafia.

While we're at school, she drives to Biloxi, Mississippi

and then on the weekends,

she serves up premium hardcore drugs to the Atlanta upper-crust

through tennis matches, book club, church...

Come on, don't you think it's even a little bit suspicious?

What? Mom having a gun?

No. Want to know why?

Because we're holding guns right now, Blair.

We're gun owners.

Dad is a gun owner.

Mom says, that guns are a product of the Fall.

There's no reason for her to have a gun or a pile of cash,

just like there's no reason for her to have a storage unit.

Maybe that's where she put our Madame Alexander dolls.

And the gun?

To protect the dolls.

You need to take this seriously.

Blair, you are like a dog with a bone, okay?

It's either sex, sex, sex

or some implausible theory about Mom and her criminal second life.

Okay, you're doing it again. You're stirring things up.

No, I'm not.

Stop minimizing my experiences.

Sorry.

Hey.

I'm sorry again that you didn't

get to put the "O" in your column at the debate tournament.

I really thought that one of those guys was going to get you there.

Yeah, that's okay. Uh...

I'm sure I'll have an orgasm one day.

I'll sit on a bicycle seat or something. It's fine.

Of course, you will.

It just takes some women a lot of time to figure it out.

You just have to find out what makes you tick.

Inside your vagina.

Mm-hm.

Uh, can we talk about something else, like, um...

Mom and the gun?

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay, so this is what I'm thinking.

We can go to the storage unit, but it's locked.

- So we've gotta crack the lock and... - Anyway...

Anyway, uh...

- Hey, Dad. - Hello!

How are you enjoying this season of The Masked Singer?

I've been meaning to ask you.

Oh, my goodness, that show does not miss.

I never would have thought that cricket was Roberta Flack.

Hey, um, have you seen April?

No. She went AWOL since the debate tournament.

Your ex is looking bereft.

Hi, Luke. How's, um... everything?

Great.

Amazing.

- Mm. - Um, I'm taking time for myself.

That's really good. I'm really glad to hear that.

And I have my music,

and my bandmates take turns reminding me to eat...

which rocks.

Luke! Come sit by me.

Hi!

How's your morning been?

Those announcements were so loud, my ears were like...

Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

Um, I don't know what you're doing,

but I would keep my fingers out of that mousetrap.

- Oh. - She's best to be avoided

when she's in a biting mood.

She bit you?

What? No.

What's going on with her?

She's... um...

struggling to keep it all together, but it's personal, so...

Yeah, it's her dad. His trial started today.

- It's personal! - Right.

And her dad's a person, Ezequiel.

That must be really hard for her.

Yeah, but we have to look out for ourselves.

In an autocracy, when the despot is down,

it's every person for herself.

- Zirself. - Zirself.

Okay, guys and gals.

Now listen, I don't want anyone to revolt

'cause I know you're all excited for your long weekend,

but I have an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny little assignment.

I did it myself back in the day

and I had so much fun. Oh!

Okay, it is time for...

Biblical Buildings.

Yes, I know! You each get to pick an architectural structure

from the Bible,

and then build a historically accurate representation

to present to the class.

It's a chance to just dig in

and get your hands dirty in that rich biblical soil, huh?

And who says our school doesn't teach the Arts?

Okay. So, let's just pair off

and then everybody yell out who wants what.

Can I do the manger?

Uh, that's a kind of building, I guess. Yeah.

Moses' door with blood on the frame,

like, dripping down, really violent.

Well, it should really be the whole building, Franklin.

Luke and I want Noah's Ark.

Each animal... matched with a mate...

propagating the species.

Yeah. Yeah, and I bet some animals paired off and...

weren't the exact same person, like an octopus and a Sterl...

A squirrel!

Um...

A squirrel. I think that sounds like a beautiful idea.

I'm very excited.

Okay.

Solomon's Temple.

That's insanity. Why do you always gotta try so hard, April?

Oh, Franklin!

Do we need to speak privately?

No, Miss Johnson.

Solomon's Temple. That...

hmm... is ambitious, April,

but I like it and I like you.

We're going to need gold paint, chicken wire and spackle.

Also blood, I think it should be real.

You're gonna have to kill a pigeon.

Why aren't you writing this down?

Um...

Hannah B and I are actually partners.

- Sorry. - Sorry, it just happened.

But, like, before you asked. S... So...

Oh-oh,

- you've got a Dorito in your hair. - It's right here.

Yeah.

It's kind of gross, yeah.

Fine. But you should build a biblical time machine back to now

because partnering with Hannah B is a huge mistake.

She cites Wikipedia in her bibliographies.

She's never even registered her JSTOR and EBSCO Host logins.

We choose the cross.

It's technically a building Jesus lived on until he died.

Okay, let's think on that.

Um... I'll do Solomon's Temple with you.

I know all the dimensions from Miss Kline's Sunday school class.

Uh, "Five cubits in height and ten cubits brim to brim."

I know the dimensions, too. I'm not an animal.

Oh, you know, of course you're not an animal,

Oh, my gosh. Um, but...

Ooh, ooh, my dad has this woodworking shop,

and he paints these little wooden ducks.

It's so weird, but he's got

a mi... a miter saw, and a nail gun and drills.

- It will be so fun... - Fine.

Okay... um, tomorrow maybe?

- If you aren't busy, because... - I said fine.

Okay.

"Get in there! Why is paper so heavy?"

"Stupid piece of plastic."

"Oh, hello.

I'm a lady dressed like a napkin."

"Are you from the Napkin Department?"

"Hey there, pretty lady."

"Do you have any yogurt?"

"You know you want it."

Does Bowser have friends?

No. We're it.

They're still hugging.

This is pornographic.

Why is she rubbing his arms?

Is he backing away? Should we go and save him?