Mustache

Some people say

there are an infinite number of universes

with an infinite number of possibilities.

If so, maybe there's a place for me.

But even if there was, I'm stuck here,

so I guess it doesn't matter.

- Nobody studies. - Exactly, bro.

They used to be best friends--

- Oh, a question. - She gives so much work.

- My parents accuse me of being too easily distracted,

I disagree.

If anything, I'm too easily focused.

Ilyas, look here.

Ilyas.

- My mustache started growing when I was 10 years old.

It's a problem.

On class photo day,

I hid under my teacher's desk.

No one even noticed I wasn't there

and they took the picture without me.

Arms down.

Are you grade eight or little kids?

What are you?

What am I?

I'm just a kid from San Jose.

Our house is full of paintings my mom made a long time ago,

but she doesn't paint anymore.

Ammi, you killed me.

Good.

- I always confuse the day of judgment

with "Terminator 2: Judgment Day."

My parents let us watch this for some reason.

At some point,

I realized that I exist within a complex lattice of rules

that governed my entire life.

It's comforting having a map for understanding reality.

Otherwise, how would I know what to do?

My mustache, for example,

I'm not supposed to shave it,

but when I look in the mirror,

a profound self-loathing overtakes me.

What are you doing?

Aboo come look at Ilyas.

- Don't, Ilyas, it will only grow back more.

- But it's sunnah to trim it though.

Sunnah to trim it?

You want to do sunnah?

Why do you want to look like a homeless?

My god, Ammi.

- I've chosen obedience over my self-interest.

It's the right thing to do.

That's so true.

You take forever to go to the bathroom.

We're literally all gonna be late because of you.

It's not my fault.

- Yes, it is. - Yes, it is.

(all speaking in foreign language)

- Boys and girls in Islamic school

have to continually prove their disdain for one another

or be accused of having a crush,

which would be socially catastrophic.

It's a self-regulating, fear-based system.

I guess that's why I never talked to Yasmeen at school.

- What did I say about turning

clothing into projectiles?

Give it to me, give it to me.

- Finally, I'd like to mention the Stargate

in the movie "Stargate."

The Stargate right here...

is a shimmering portal that transports people

through a wormhole by demolecularization.

It's this really cool door of water you walk into,

transporting you to a planet far away,

into a new phase of life.

Interestingly enough,

the water portal in "Stargate"

is similar to the Islamic concept of maturity.

A boy reaches the age of accountability

when he has something called a wet dream,

which is a dream about water.

I've had a lot of wet dreams.

- I think you should ask your parents

about that, Ilyas.

No, but I thought-

All right, thank you, Ilyas.

That was very personal.

All right, moving on.

Everybody, pull out a clean sheet of paper.

We're doing a pop quiz.

Nice shot.

- That's not a foul. Don't be gay.

- You're just slow because you're fat.

They have showers in there.

What?

- You know, in case you have a wet dream.

I'm just kidding, man.

It was really funny, your speech.

- Emotions are to be suppressed completely

or released at an appropriate time.

To others, I could be having a religious moment.

Every year, eighth graders

from a local public school observe us.

We're kind of a zoo exhibit for them.

To them, we are aliens,

but I guess the feeling is mutual.

Watch it.

- Sorry. - Just kidding.

Were you crying?

No.

Why were you crying?

I was, I was concentrating.

- Why don't you concentrate on shaving your face?

Ammi, it was an accident.

Am I suspended?

We haven't decided yet.

Are you gonna tell Aboo?

- Lately, I've been imagining myself

leaving my family behind,

going somewhere where I can finally be alone.

Yosemite National Park maybe

where I become a saint.

No one would ever have to see me

or my upper lip ever again.

Aboo settled on Amir Business Solutions

for the name of his new company.

Seems like when it comes to businesses,

the more solutions, the better.

- Hameed, I really can't wait that long.

- I know this is not ideal,

but you know how things are right now.

If you can just do me a favor and wait until Monday,

it will clear, I promise. - Aboo?

Yeah, okay.

I'll deposit it on Monday.

- We just need a few more clients.

We're so close to...

Ilyas?

Ammi said to drop this off.

- Oh, right. Thank you.

Jerry, have you met my son? This is Ilyas.

No, I don't think I have.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Why don't you tell me what this is really about?

- I don't think you'd understand.

Try me.

- I love watching TV dads talk to their kids.

Feels like dispatches from another universe.

We don't really talk much at dinner.

Silence is great for appreciating food.

Do you remember in seventh grade

when Tariq got so mad that he stood up

and flipped off Brother Abdullah

in front of the entire class?

Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

Tariq was all defiant

and then started crying in front of everyone.

Oh my god, you're so dramatic.

But it was dramatic.

I still don't get why Brother Abdullah

pretended he didn't see it.

He was protecting him.

He knew that if Tariq's dad found out,

he would've slapped him in front of everyone.

Yeah, that's true.

- Did you IM me just to tell me the Tariq story again?

Yeah.

- So, what did Brother Ismail say to you today

after everything that happened?

- Ilyas, what'd you do?

Come with me now.

- Do you think Tariq's dad likes him?

I've gotta do homework.

Ilyas,

you better not have messed up my Napster, dumb ass.

I didn't!

- You're always pausing them to go online!

The older we get,

the stricter the gender relations.

I prefer it.

Who wants to deal with the stress

of real life co-ed friendships anyway?

- And the mountains shall vanish

as if they were a mirage.

- Please behave. - Go.

(speaking in foreign language)

(all speaking in foreign language)

Yo!

- Oh my god, I missed you so much.

- Hey, Usman. - Sit on the bed.