Friends with Kids

Hey, doll.

Death by shark or alligator?

Oh...

I don't swim in the ocean.

Alligators are in lakes or swamps and marshes.

But sharks are only in the ocean.

You can't change the rules, Jase. You gotta pick.

The rules presume that both deaths could occur.

They can. You can't mitigate risk to zero.

I can mitigate risk to zero on shark death if I never get into the ocean.

Unless you're in a plane that goes down in the ocean

and you don't die on impact.

Okay, fine. Shark. It's faster.

Alligators drown you before they eat you. So, there. Shark. Okay?

- You happy? - Yes.

You wanna come up?

- Is Katherine there? - Yeah.

- Then, no thank you. - No, it's fine. Come up. She...

I'm going to break up with her soon anyway.

Really? Already?

- I give it like three weeks. - Poor Katherine.

She'll be fine. She's got a great

sense of humor.

- You're such an asshole. - I know.

- You have a problem. - I have many.

I blame my parents. Why are you whispering by the way?

Oh, there's a guy in my bed.

What? Doll, that's great.

No, it's not. He's like eleven. He's a bartender. What is wrong with me?

Nothing. It's been like years, hasn't it?

- Six months and a week. - Exactly.

It's not natural. Doll, you gotta sweep out the cobwebs.

Thank you for that.

From your vagina.

Got it.

- I think you should come up. - No, it's okay.

I'm just gonna take a pill. I'll see you tonight, yeah?

All right. Is it all of us?

Yeah, it's the six of us, and Katherine. Unless you break up with her before then.

- Okay. - Keep me posted.

- Night, doll. - Night.

Thank you. Okay.

Yeah, that's fine. Just make it a breakfast.

Can you hold that, please?

- Gotta stop meeting like this. - Hi, doll.

Hi.

Did you have to wear those shoes?

- Do you feel inadequate? - Do you feel enormous?

Fuck you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Well done, doll. Did you do this through your boss?

Yep. And I only had to blow him like three times.

And that guy, twice.

- Hello! - Hi.

- Hi, beauty. - You look so pretty.

You look gorgeous.

I think we both look terrific.

How are you? Good to see you.

You're all glowy.

- I love touching your face. - I love it when you do.

Jase, where's Katherine? Is she meeting you here?

Well...

- No! - Seriously?

I don't know. I don't know.

- Poor Kath. - What?

I forget, what do they say about commitment issues?

Is it you hated your mom, you wanted sex with your mom?

- Come on... - I think it's hate your mom.

I thought it was that you're afraid your mom's gonna cut your penis off.

Okay.

No!

Thank you all very, very much. Thank you.

Can I just point out that Jule can't get to a second date.

Oh, that's not fair, that is not fair.

I'm trying, I went to the last setup from this one, brutal...

Wait, your message got cut off. You didn't like Russell? He's gorgeous.

- He's a criminal. - Yeah.

- White collar. You can make that work. - Really'?

- Is that what it's come to? - Come on.

That is not that big of a deal.

- How do you make that work? - It is a fancy prison.

So, wait, are Ben and Missy late, or...

Oh, no. They're here.

- What. .. - They went to the bathroom...

- Twenty minutes ago. - What?

- To have... - Yes. I believe so.

- Oh, my God... - To do... I think that means this, is that...

Do they have sex, like, all the time?

They have sex way more than anyone we know.

Jase has sex a lot...

I do, but not at that level.

I mean, I've never had sex on a boat or a piano.

Not yet. Not yet you haven't.

Remember at my dad's funeral? When they had sex in that...

- Hey!! - Hi!

What's up. guys?

- Hi. - How's it going?

- Welcome back. - Thank you.

- Hi. How are you? Good to see you. - Nice to see you.

Good to have you back.

We ran into a couple of his friends from work downstairs...

Then we were in line, a phone call...

In the bathroom?

- Who'd you run into? - Yeah.

- Our friends, Barbara and Dave - Dave and Barbara.

- I don't know them. - All right.

- So great we're all here. - Yeah, I know.

Oh, my God.

So nice...

- Guys, can you believe this? - What?

Hundred bucks a plate, and they're bringing toddlers?

Are they even allowed in here?

People, it's Manhattan, we're here to live the dream,

leave the kiddies at home.

We're pregnant.

- Oh, my God, that's amazing! - Congratulations!

- That is such great news. - That's so nice.

- That's amazing! - I know, isn't it?

- Thanks, Ben. - Sorry, we knew.

They told us before. We knew and we didn't want to say anything.

- No, no. We just told them. - We just told them.

- They've been busy. - That is amazing...

Please disregard what I just said.

- No, no, we hate those people, too... - We hate them. We hate them.

- We are not those people. - These are awful people.

- I don't hate them... - I love those.

We are never going to bring our kids to a place like this.

Or any fancy place.

Or anywhere. We are going to keep them at home.

- You can't... - Yeah, we're gonna be cool.

Les will still be strident and I'm going to keep drinking a lot, so...

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

- I love you, baby. - I love you, too.

We're excited.

Serious, you guys, everything's gonna be the same.

- Nothing's gonna change. - Of course.

I guess I need six pink and eight blue ones.

- So, 14 total. - Yeah.

- Wrapped? - Oh, wrapped would be so great.

If you could do... Oh, thank you. Hold on one sec, sorry.

Thanks, Steph. Thank you.

- Did you say 1,400 something? - Yes, ma'am.

I'm gonna get back to you after I make some tough decisions, thanks.

Hi.

Are you looking at what I'm looking at?

Check your inbox.

Okay. Hold please.

Oh, my God.

Wow, that is bold!

Yeah, really.

Really. I was eating lunch.

Is that corn?

But now my appetite's back, thank you.

Sorry. Hey, what do you want for your birthday, anyway'?

A great girl with big tits, long legs, who isn't crazy, or neurotic, or religious.

What that I can get in the next three hours?

- Nespresso machine. - Done.

I'm sorry, I couldn't get them to a restaurant. I really tried.

No, whatever. It's the baby card. They all play it.

But it's not just the baby card, it's the baby carol and Brooklyn.

So it's like...

- It's like two cards. - It's two cards.

- I hate Brooklyn. - Brooklyn is the new Manhattan.

Manhattan is the new Manhattan.

- Nice. - I read it.

Well, at least Ben and Missy will be there. That's big.

Haven't seen them since the hospital.

No, can't be that long.

- Weren't they at that thing at the... - Nope.

Thank you.

Slow painful death by disease,

or watching the love of your life die a slow painful death by disease?

A. Definitely A.

Much worse to be without the person you love than to have a slow painful death.

But I wouldn't make mine slow and painful, I'd get out early.

- How? - Up the morphine drip. You?

Oh, B. I'm living!

You would rather watch the love of your life die slowly and painfully'?

Well, it wouldn't be awesome but better them than me.

I got a lot of good years left.

Are we late enough? Should we circle?

Thirty-five minutes? I think we're late enough.

- Hey! - Happy Birthday.

We're not quite there yet.

Cole, honey, can you just... Please, for a moment!

Alex, can you come out here for a second, please?

I'm in the bathroom!

Really? Well, Jule and Jase are here, so why don't you come out!

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Alex.

You know what, can you guys watch him for a second?

- Yeah, of course. - We brought some wine, if you...

Hey, Cole.

- I'm gonna open one of these. - Do that.

Hey, Cole. What's up, buddy?

Hey, Cole, you know what? We brought you something.

Oh, my goodness, you're huge! And I like you tremendously!

I missed you so much.

Oh, my goodness! How you doing?

Hey!