2 Broke Girls

Here's your check.

I didn't charge you for the fries, 'cause I ate them.

Max, look out!

The diner water bugs are getting really big.

Relax, it's the diner's new surveillance drone.

God, you empty the register five or ten times,

suddenly there's no trust.

So to be clear, we're out of soap but we have a drone?

I hate that Han's just sitting in back, watching us,

working his little joy stick.

Please, no one's getting any joy out of Han's little stick.

This is so annoying.

It's following me.

Well, with a butt that flat, it's the only black thing

that's ever going to follow you.

Ugh, there's another drone out here?

I just killed one in the kitchen with a fly swatter.

Go.

I mean, if I wanted to be spied on,

I'd change my name to Achmed,

and buy a condo near the airport.

Whatever happened to buying a painting of an old sea captain,

drilling out the eye holes, and hiding behind it?

Not cool, Han.

And the worst part is, it's moving around so much,

I can't find my good angle.

Not cool and not Han.

I stole this while he was explaining to me

why a 77-year-old man, on minimum wage,

doesn't need health care.

Earl, that is awesome.

Not really. I need that health care.

No, that you stole that.

We need to do something that will make Han

never want to spy on us again.

Oleg, open your pants.

Earl, fly that camera in there.

But first, take off your underwear.

Underwear?

Come on. What am I, five?

Inches?

Oleg, aren't you at all worried about Earl's cataracts?

Best case scenario, I get a little manscaping.

Worst case, I've been meaning to get circumcised.

My eyes!

Max, I'm writing out the check for our bank loan,

and I'm not quite sure what our balance is

because here under "Withdrawals" you just wrote, "Yeah."

Well, if you don't like that, you're really not going to like

the picture I drew under "Deposits."

I saw it.

Max, zeroes are not balls, they're not boobs,

and they're not googly eyes.

They're just zeroes.

Says you.

I'll go check our balance at the ATM.

Even though the last guy who touched it

had a cold sore so big,

I charged him for a party of two.

Don't worry. You are not going to get anything from that machine.

Especially cash.

Hey, everybody.

Somebody better make me some eggs

because I've been on a juice cleanse for three hours,

and I'm dizzy.

Yeah. I mean, they call it a fast,

but it sure does go slow.

I was on a three weeks fast, once.

Then I realized my mother wasn't coming home.

So I made a sandwich.

Oleg and my wedding is coming up

and we're trying to eat clean.

Yeah, baby,

'cause you know we're eating dirty on the honeymoon.

Oh, dear God, what?

Another used condom in the receipt slot?

Worse. - What?

Stuff that should be in a condom but isn't?

We're below zero.

Oh, well, I better go, y'all.

A white woman screaming anywhere in my vicinity

never turns out well.

This is a disaster.

I've been at zero,

but I've never had less than zero.

Oh, don't say that, Caroline.

I mean, you're forgetting about your dating options.

We have less than zero money

and no way of paying off our bank loan.

Oh, my God. It happened.

I'm working class.

Hey. I've waited tables with you for four years

and there's no way you could call what you do working.

Cupcakes!

Buy cupcakes.

Buy cupcakes!

Stop.

You look more desperate than Justin Bieber

in that Calvin Klein ad.

You don't understand the seriousness of this bank situation.

You don't understand the rules of World Of Warcraft.

The loan just keeps escalating and escalating

until they close us down.

Cupcakes! Buy cupcakes!

Buy cupcakes! Buy cupcakes!

Oh, Pay-dirt. Look.

Here comes a big, fat frat house guy.

Hey, bitches.

Remember me?

Big Mary.

That's my name. Don't wear it out.

John, we haven't seen you since pastry school.

Hey, for old times' sake, want to buy a cupcake?

A dozen? The shop?

So I came because I may know of a way

for Max to make some extra money.

Whatever it is, she'll do it.

That was my yearbook quote.

I just got hired at a new restaurant

that's opening under the High Line Park in Manhattan,

and they are looking for another day pastry chef.

I only have a year of pastry school

and I was stoned for, like, a year of that.

I don't know if I have the skills.

Oh, girl, you don't.

But the manager, Joe, wants only pretty people.

And what you lack in pastry,

you more than make up for in pretty.

She'll do it. You'll do it, Max.

And John will be there to help back you up with his pastry skills.

And 'cause I'm pretty.

I don't belong in a place like that.

It's called "The High."

Sounds right. Give me the deets.

Well, good night girls.

Sorry about your bank balance.

But I trust you'll both lapse

into denial fairly soon, as always.

Hello.

Who was she?

Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

Oh...Han's not gay.

You forgot the "Yet."

Max, maybe button up a button or two.

It's a dessert bar. Not a strip bar.

Hey, I need this job,

and once this Joe guy takes one look at these puff pastries,

he might cut me some slack when he sees my other

"not so puff" pastries.

And you're comfortable with that?

Yup.

Like I guess you're comfortable applying for a waitress job

on just the merits of your waitress skills.

Should I keep going?

Why?

I'm here.

I'll take those applications. Hurry, ladies.

If I was looking for pretty and slow, I'd hire Nick Jonas.

Max, let's get out of here.

She reminds me of this nightmare

I'm going to have for the rest of my life.

Relax, she's just his guard dog.

It's Joe guy we have to impress.

No thank you.

No thank you.

And how dare you?

Oh, I'm sorry, the restaurant doesn't open until tomorrow.

Actually, no.

Hi. I'm here to apply for a waitress job.

At your age?

I'm 27!

And?

Max, I can't breathe.

And I'm here to apply for a pastry chef.

Also 27, but I've looked this old since I was 6.

For a while, I thought I had that Benjamin Button's disease.

I'll take the pastry chef first.

Why don't you sit over there and wait.

I won't be long, because frankly,

you don't have the time.

Thank you. I'll be over there.

Applying for Social Security.

So where did you go to pastry school,

and why aren't you working now?

Manhattan School Of Pastry, and I am working.

I have my own cupcake shop in Brooklyn.

Oh, it's almost over.

This interview? Great.

No. Not the interview. Brooklyn.

Brooklyn's almost over.

Also, cupcakes.

Cool. I will tell them.

Wish I knew that before they all got

their belly buttons pierced trying to stay cool.

Oh, great. A sense of humor.

Customers love that.

I don't, but they do.

So, um, where's this Joe guy who's doing the hiring?

There is no "Joe guy." I'm Joe.

Spelled, J-O-E-D-T-H.