You're Not You

Perfect.

Promise you'll turn me on like this on your 70th birthday?

- Promise. - Yeah?

- Happy birthday, Katie-cakes. - Thank you.

- I'll see you tonight. - Yep.

Yep, I'm gonna see you on Tuesday. The fabric is perfect.

I picked out something very special for you.

Okay. Bye. I'll see you then.

Look at you, working all hard over here.

Don't even think about it.

You should have let me take you out tonight.

Come on, you know I love this kind of thing.

Yeah.

- Hey, let me grab it. - No, I got it. It's okay.

- Get the towel. - Get outta here.

- Alright. Alright. - Go.

Oh, my God. Look at your body in that dress.

- I look like an unmade bed. - Scallop canapes? Seriously?

- It's nothing. Here. - Oh, you always say that.

- Oh, please. - And then you say that.

Oh, plea...

- At UT, she turned me down three times. - It took him two years to notice me.

- So what finally sealed the deal? - That's none of your damn business.

- Go ahead and tell 'em. - You tell 'em.

No, no, you tell 'em.

When Bill and I were dating, he told me I looked good drunk.

Is it better than that?

He said, "I like me better when I'm with you."

To Kate...

my gorgeous wife, on her 35th birthday.

- Evan, please. - When I saw you 15 years ago,

I said to myself, "There's a girl that I need to know." And look at you now...

even more amazing.

Happy birthday, Kate. 15 straight.

And we're just getting started.

- I love you. - I love you.

What is this?

What's wrong?

You know, it's... it's beautiful, and I love you so much,

but I just have to say something.

You guys are royally screwed.

Can't help it. Your piano's out of tune.

Don't listen to them, Bill. You sound great.

- Thank you. Hey, care to join me? - Oh, God, no.

Come on, Kate. I haven't heard you play in years.

Get him off the piano.

- I can't even play Chopsticks now. - It's not even a choice.

That's a first.

Oh, shit.

Shit.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Hey, you! Out! Now!

- You wanna go again? - No. No going again.

- That's not what you said last night. - Out, now.

- Well, I remember your name. - Goody.

- Shit! - Bec.

Nobody calls you Rebecca, except your old lady.

She's on at you for being a fifth-year senior.

- Please put your pants on. - After switching majors six times in three years.

- Pants! Now! - Alright.

You're with your friends.

We don't have to do the whole number exchange thing, right?

Right. I think I love you!

I know you gotta go. You know what, let me finish.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, I got this down to a science, honey.

I gotta go to work in 40 minutes. Just let me...

I can do it. Just give me a minute.

Look, I know that it's important to you.

Just let me finish it. Okay? There you go.

Did Mrs. Trotter say she was gonna be late?

She's not coming.

What do you mean? As in all day she's not coming?

- As in I let her go. - Wait. Wait, wait, wait. What?

She made me feel like a patient. I'm not a patient.

Kate. Kate. Katie, listen.

We finally found somebody who was efficient.

Somebody who I can trust. Somebody who can be flexible when I'm running late.

You can't just be making these decisions without...

- Let me call Miles. - I'm interviewing for a replacement. Okay?

Okay, this is crazy.

- I'm interviewing... - Right now?

- You're interviewing for a replacement? - Go to work and I'll interview her.

Right now? You're interviewing right now?

Let me interview her,

- and the you can meet her later. - No, no. No, I don't...

- It's okay. - We'll interview her together.

Oops.

I'm Bec... Cartwell. I'm here for the job interview.

Thank you.

So... which one of you plays piano?

- I do. Did. - Why'd you give it up?

- Right. - I assume you brought a CV?

- Resume. - No, I brought a resume.

I found Bec on the university website.

It says your most recent place of employment

was the Red Lobster on the Sam Houston Tollway?

Wait. Sorry. Wrong one.

Yeah. It's a...

little different than the one I put in the email.

I kinda padded that one.

So, who was taking care of you before? If you don't mind my asking.

Not at all. We had a lovely woman who moved on.

And before that, my mother.

- Wow, that takes balls. - Yes. It wasn't perfect.

If it was me and my mother, it would have been like...

braaghhh, bloodshed by lunchtime.

I assume housekeeping isn't in your skill set.

Do you cook? Any nursing experience?

Tell me, Bec, have you ever seen, let alone cared for,

someone suffering from a major degenerative illness?

Not really. I've read some stuff online.

You read some stuff online.

Okay, well, it was nice to meet you. I'm sure you're very bright.

What did you mean by "not really"?

Back in high school, I volunteered at a nursing home in Tyler.

They stuck my Grammy Jones in there and I was there a lot.

I didn't put it down 'cause it was a while ago.

You got your broccoli, you got your beets.

- Evan, you're gonna be late. - Carrots. Got your chopping board.

You got your knife. After you chop...

- Evan, I can show her. - Hold on.

You add your vitamins...

and your immuno-boosts.

Alright? We wanna keep as many calories in her as we can.

- Low fat is the enemy... - Can I talk to you?

- Just give me a second to... - Please.

Bathroom?

- Yeah, it's straight back over there. - It's that way.

Sorry.

Alright, this woman is a nightmare.

She's not a nurse. How can I trust that you're gonna be okay with her?

Maybe she'll actually listen to me, okay?

Look, will you please just let me take care of this?

I promise you I'll make it work. Okay?

Okay?

Bec. Bec, could you please cut on the cutting board?

Oh, cool.

So... ALS patients live, like, what... two to five years?

How long you been sick?

You don't put the broccoli stems in the blender. Just the flower heads.

Don't worry, I'm not trying to calculate when I'm gonna need to get another gig.

Just curious where you are on the timeline.

- A year and a half. - That's what gets me about this disease.

Your mind stays so Fuckin' sharp, while your arms and your legs...

Oh, no!

Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Okay. First time for everything.

Okay, cool.

Hey, no rush. I'm just gonna be... right here.

- Just take your time. - Bec, I'm going to need some help.

Getting on. And...

I'll need some assistance after...

wiping.

What's funny?

It's just this thing that my roommate Jill says.

She'd rather have cats than kids, until kids learn how to shit in a litter box.

Oh, God, you're probably like a nice...

no-swearing, no-sex-on-Sunday Baptist...

What I am is a grown woman who needs help using the bathroom.

Okay, I am pulling your pants down.

And here go...

- your underwear. - Can you skip the commentary?

Okay.

Why is this thing so fucking low?

Bec, your language.

I am unfurling the... toilet tissue.

Harder please.

What?

Wipe harder, please.

No problem.

Okay,

I'm lifting you up,

pulling up your pants...

for you...

Shit. Are you okay?

That wasn't even the worst part.

The worst part... was that she didn't even get mad.

Like, she just sat there with this perfect tight smile on her face.

Quiet freak out, way worse. She needs to chill.

Here's to... yet another day of finding something new I suck at.

Hey, superstar, you're up. Please don't bomb this.

- You got this, Bec. - I got it.

- You got it. - I got it.

- You got it! - I got it!

Yeah, she don't got it.

Hi.

I'm Bec...

and...

it's really cool to be here at Dirty Barry's.

And now it's just me. Okay.

I'm gonna sing a song.

Get off the stage!

- Give me one second. - Next!

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Did you know that Janis, Elvis and Waylon all freaked out on that very same stage?

- I'm Wil, by the way. - Why can't I just stop?

Speaking of which...

You do know that banging your professor is a cliche, right?

We do not bang. We exchange ideas... naked, in bed.