BFFs

You're my best friend.

It is with a heavy heart.

We say goodbye to Henry a good man,

a good friend who would have made a good father.

Daddy.

Look. This is where he's gonna

sit up in the coffin and yell, surprise!

Check this out. Here we go.

Right here it is. Here it is.

Three. Two. One.

Cell block 242917.

Open up.

Let's go.

Klugman. Come on, let's go.

Gotta go.

See you, man.

State your name, please.

It's about Henry Hartman, isn't it?

What would make you say that?

Do you want to talk about that?

Well, I mean, it's a long time ago.

I don't remember everything.

I mean, it's the year of the iPhone three.

So why don't you just start at the beginning and tell us what

this is all about?

It was all about Anita.

It was all about Anita.

If you want to start at the beginning.

You got to start with Gabe Bar.

My best friend.

My new baby was born

a dwarf.

A dwarf Henry!

It's just too hard.

Henry. I can't take it.

Please give me another chance.

Please Henry.

Gabe.

Um. I'm.

I'm really sorry.

I didn't have any idea about these personal problems you're

having at home.

Let me see if I can get Mr. Coogan to reconsider.

Wait here.

Gabriel Bar is involved in

three sexual harassment lawsuits.

Padding insurance claims so

that he can pocket the kickbacks.

This motherfucker is so fired.

What is your problem?

Well, he's crying in my office right now.

The guy's got three sick little kids, and one of them's a is is

a dwarf.

Does that have to do with the price of weed in Mexico?

That motherfucker should have thought about that shit before

he faxed Xerox copy of his

genitals to Shirley Berg in accounting.

God.

I mean, who faxes a copy of

your dick when it's this damn small?

It's the biggest clitoris I've ever seen.

He's shameless.

Well, maybe we can offer him some counseling.

Why don't you grow some balls, man?

I mean, when did you become such a pussy?

Look, man, you're a nice guy, right?

Sometimes I think you're too nice.

And you have to know that part of your responsibility is being

a bad guy.

You need to enjoy it.

Embrace it.

You'll be amazed at what can happen once you

wrap your mind around your destiny.

I'm sorry, Mr. Barr, but we're going to have to let you go.

Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

I could write you a letter of reference.

You can take that letter of reference and

shove it up your asshole.

You know what? If I,

kill my whole family.

And myself.

It's gonna be on your hands.

You hear me?

The blood lot will be on your hands.

Henry Harmon.

So Gabe already worked there?

Well, yeah.

Sort of.

How long had it been before you contacted Henry?

That's not the question.

The question is, what the hell was Henry doing with his life?

I mean, every day driving to work.

Driving from work.

Freaking Prius, suburban hell.

Coming home with flowers to wife who doesn't love him

anymore and only has sex in the dark.

I mean, if you ask me,

it's like Henry was already dead.

Oh. They're beautiful.

Are you feeling guilty about something?

What's her name?

Okay. You caught me.

So this is when you sent him the package.

Package?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

No, no.

First came Ivan.

Henry Hartman.

My name is Ivan Nuss.

We've narrowed down the top ten candidates for the regional

manager position in our office.

And you have been selected as the number one candidate for

our corporate office in San Diego.

San Diego regional manager.

What made you call me?

Look, no need to get into all the details just yet, but if

you are interested, keep this on the DL.

Tell no one.

Not your boss, not your wife, no one.

I don't have to fire anybody, do I?

Heck no brother.

San Diego.

Well.

All of our family is here.

And our friends and everything we love.

Well, your friends are here.

I don't want to move to San Diego and leave Phoenix when

I'm about to have a baby.

What's this?

I have no idea.

Open it up, San Diego.

What is this, a penis enlargement pump?

It smells like baby oil.

Oh, God, it's been used.

-Oh my God. -Oh my God.

Oh, wait.

No no no, don't throw it might work.

As you all know.

Senior drivers have now surpassed teenage males as the

number one hazard on the road.

I propose all our motorists over the age of 75 be required

to take quarterly driving tests

to maintain their coverage.

Quarterly, huh?

AARP is going to love that one.

I'm sure we won't be hearing from their lawyers.

Henry, do you have an urgent phone call?

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

This is Agent William Ding with the Internal Revenue Service

defrauding the government.

It's a very serious crime, sir.

Defrauding the government.

You are under arrest for

defrauding the United States government.

Put your hands on your head!

Turn around!

Slowly!

Okay. Okay, okay.

Jerry Klugman.

Agent William Ding.

Call me Bill.

Bill Ding.

After all these years. F-minus MOFO.

Building.

This is beautiful.

How did you find me?

Oh, well, actually, I'm.

A lawyer with the Department of Homeland Security now.

Wow.

Did you write The great American novel yet?

Um, I'm actually in H.R..

Oh, no.

Henry. No, no, no.

We used to make fun of those assholes.

Yeah, I know, don't get me started, please.

Oh, hey.

Remember when we used to make fun of salesmen who would tell

jokes with no punch lines?

Yeah, and all the fake laughing they would do.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, are you throwing two fish tacos and some rum punch

and, uh, you got yourself a deal.

Ah, shit.

Man, I thought I'd be buying your book by now.

Yeah, I didn't, uh, it didn't quite work out that way.

Uh, you know, in college, the world.

Mhm.

Yeah. Hey.

I gotta go.

But I took the liberty of writing my, uh, my home phone

number, my cell phone number, and my dick size on there too.

So we'll make it happen in the next week or two for sure.

Wait a minute.

Did you send me with the tube and the?

Confidential.

I gave it a little test pump.

Luckily, I don't need it.