Is Anybody There?

I'd just like to say thank you all for being here for our first year,

all of our lovely residents, all looking so smart,

and for choosing us here at Lark Hall, and for having a bit of faith in us.

And Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

Cheers.

And a Happy New Year.

When a man grows old

and his balls grow cold,

and the tip of his prick turns blue...

. .when it bends in the middle like a one-stringed fiddle,

he can tell us a tale or two.

What did Father Christmas bring?

I don't believe in him.

I shan't see another Christmas.

Mind you, if I was like her, I'd shove my head in the gas oven.

Uhhh...

Mummy!

Mum!

What? I'm busy!

Eugh!

Arnold's dead.

Try and be careful!

Can I have my room back now Arnold's dead?

No. But you can get in this sleeping bag when he's finished with it.

Can we have a bit of respect, please?

Don't go in that room, Eddie!

'No, you bloody lift him, you idle monkey!'

- I'm not Daley shitting Thompson! - All right, Father, keep your hair on!

Set?

'l read it in The Daily Express.'

90% of small businesses go down the tubes, apparently, in the first year.

I should stop you reading that paper.

Bloke in Scarborough hung himself in his sporting goods shop.

Yeah, but people don't need sporting goods.

They're always going to get old, aren't they?

It's just teething troubles, Steve.

Kiss-kiss.

'Uhhhhh...'

What do you think you're playing at?

I could have killed you!

Oi! Come here!

And on Boxing Day, we went to the top of Skidby Windmill and I got badge.

No, you got "a" badge.

Edward?

On Christmas Day, Arnold Doughty, 90, went blue and died.

So far, there has been no communication from him.

I think I've made a mistake, all right?

- Just give it a day. Please. - No, I'm fine, thank you.

But we've just moved all that in.

I'm moving it back out again. All right? It's my things, isn't it?

Who is he?

Some gaga old fart Social Services have sent. Lost his wife.

Lives in a camper van. Like Popeye.

Clarence! We can get your stuff just how you like. Take as long as you want.

- That's not a word. - Yes, it is.

- "Taxi." - You're not playing properly.

Remember your first day at school? It's a bit like that.

- It is a bit like that. - The first night's the worst.

- Oh! - I went as mad as her, first few nights.

Be quiet! Otherwise the war will start again.

A lot of jabbering simpletons rushing about, wetting themselves.

People you don't know telling you what to do.

- I'm off. - Hey!

Just give it a go.

This is temporary.

This is only temporary.

OK.

Why doesn't she let him go if he wants to go?

She should do. Then I can move back into my old room.

You can move back if you can pay us 50 quid a week.

'Tonight, haunted houses, ghost-hunting

'and the search for life after death.

'The most famous ghost-hunters and their most famous cases...'

Lilian!

- Your daughter is on the phone. - Mavis? Really?

Mavis, oh!

'Did a ghost leave these chilling messages asking for prayers...'

'What do you think of their chances? Who's going to win?

'I wouldn't like to predict that, Phil.'

What do you want ringing wastefully from Canada? A stamp costs hardly nothing!

Mum! I want to watch "Arthur C Clarke"! Mum!

What do you want doing with those?

Clarence wants to watch "One Man And His Dog". He's paying.

- You're a naughty girl. - It's about ghosts!

We're all naughty girls.

Oh, ball-bearings!

Wouldn't mind being alone with that one in a long, dark railway tunnel.

- Can I get my wages, Kath? - Sorry, yeah.

It's very important. It's about recording ghosts!

He's saying what he does when he wants to hunt them.

Steve, come here!

You want to say, "Would you mind coming here if you're not too busy?"

That's what I said. Watch the TV upstairs.

- You ordered me to come in there. - The TV upstairs is haunted!

Why don't you do it then? Please, darling!

Because I came in there last time, dearest.

- You didn't come over here last time. - I did.

Why don't you listen?

Sorry, love. Will you sort out the TV for him?

Ena, you've pinched the knives and forks again!

Yes, sir.

Arnold's ghost must have got into it when he died.

Arnold's ghost has better things to do than hanging around in a telly.

There, ghosts! Are you happy?

'Thermometers to detect sudden fluctuations in temperature.

'And strange as it might seem,

'one might consider bringing a dog or a cat

'as animals seem to react to supernatural activity.

'Animals also provide much-needed company.'

'Price's methods were thorough and no nonsense.

'Like many scientists of his generation, he believed it was a matter of time...'

What do you think happens when you die, Dad?

Can't imagine it's all that different.

'A dog or cat allowed to roam freely.

'But most of all, it's imperative that the entire building be cleared of inhabitants

'to allow the ghost-hunter to work

'in controlled conditions without interruptions.'

Bastards.

Hello, pigeon.

Are you a magician?

No.

I'm a retired flasher.

This used to be my room until Arnold came.

Who's he when he's at home?

He's not anybody now. He's dead. He died in that bed.

If you see anything supernatural, do you think you can inform me?

Do you think you can bugger off?

Quack-quack!

Ah, ah!

Wuh... Wuh-wuh-wuh...

- What? - One out!

Give me my ball back!

Wuh-wuh-wuh...

Come here!

Come here while I kick you!

You think they sent me here to be abused?

Get stuffed!

This is my house!

Big hand's at six, little hand's at eight, Eddie!

Get out! Clear off!

Come here, you lot!

Come here, come on! Never mind making a bid for freedom!

'It's all clear. False alarm.'

They are real people, not toys! They were little boys and girls as well once!

I don't want to live here! I want things to be like they were. I want my room back!

Mark my words! By the time he's 13, he'll be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag!

Thanks, Lilian.

What did you want to say, Edward? What do you want to say?

Oh, where are you off to with a grump on? Go on, get yourself off to school.

Tell Mr Kelly you had to go to the dentist.

Idiots!

Cow!

Wankerer!

Mummy!

Dad!

Easy way out. Coward's way out.

Just, you know, a cry for help. That's all. Classic.

- A what? - Never mind, big ears.

Don't say, "That's all," Steve. How could we let him get to that? Poor fella.

We're going to have to cheer this place up a bit.

I'm very sorry for smacking you.

Are you all right?

Come here.

You're very fortunate, you know.

I never met my grandparents.

And my mummy and daddy - too far away for us to see them much.

You've got all these old people around with all these amazing stories.

It's a privilege.

At least I think it is.

Do you...?

Don't be scared of death, love.

It's all right to be sad.

There's no point being scared.

I'm not scared. I just want to know what happens.

- Nurse! - I thought you might want your stuff.

Draw that curtain round.

And give me my left shoe.

- Did you want one? - No...

Ta.

Sorry for setting the fire bell off.

Sorry I put a lot of talcum on your floor and that.

Sorry for not saying sorry when you ran me over.

And that time I chucked dirt on your head.

That's an awful lot of things to be sorry for at such a young age.

Sorry.

Are you a magician?

- I gave it up. - Why don't you start again?

Do me a favour.

When you...

Did...

Did you see any kind of bright white light?

Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end?

As a matter of fact, I did.

This cross-eyed little herbert turned up and yanked me back out.

That's what you should be saying sorry for.

Can someone inform me what the hell you think you're playing at?

I'm stuck up here on my own with nothing to keep my trousers up with!

Welcome home.