Dan in Real Life

OK.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Is this yours? - Dad.

Didn't think so.

Hey.

Hey, I was gonna do that for you later.

Now you won't have to.

- OK. OK, are you hungry? - Yeah.

- Cereal? - OK.

All right.

- So the plan... - The plan.

Cara, Dad's about to reveal "the plan."

I'll pack up the car, pick you up right after school,

and then we'll drive straight... through.

- Sounds good. - Does not.

- What now? - Well, isn't the whole point

that we go to school? You're forcing us to miss school

when we should be, like, in school.

Right? I mean, what about my studies?

OK, why are you smiling?

I just never thought I'd hear you say, "What about my studies?"

It makes me, like, smile.

- I don't wanna go. - We do this every year.

Only time we can get the family together.

Gotta help Grandma and Grandpa.

- Go. - You're destroying my education.

Change.

- Yes? - Very good column, sir.

That bit about curfews? Very apt.

And may I also say that yesterday's column

on boundary setting was excellent.

- Who are you? - I'm Marty Barasco.

I would like to thank you for last Friday's column.

It helped me understand my parents.

OK.

Well, Marty, what else can I do for you?

I'd like to see your daughter, sir. If I could.

Ah. Jane. Jane!

Actually, I'm here for Cara.

Nice to meet you, Marty. Come back in two years.

I don't wanna brag, but Mr. Shaff says

I'm one of the best drivers in his class. He says I'm highway ready.

Mr. Shaff and I may not agree.

- Cara! Let's go. - So will you let me?

We'll see. 3pm sharp. Do not be...

- Late. We got it. - ...late.

Yes, we do.

FYI, that boy you were really rude to before is my friend, Marty,

my lab partner from class. We're doing an extra-credit project together.

Bus.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

- Come on! - Hurry up!

Yeah?

Yeah, Jordy, I e-mailed it half an hour ago.

What?

No way. You're kidding.

That's funny.

- Where's your sister? - You're late.

She went to Yumms. Can I drive?

- Dad's going to be syndicated. - Not so fast.

There're others being considered...

Aw, that's great. Can I drive?

Look. You're a fine driver. It's the just the other hundred million Dr...

If you don't let me, I'll never learn.

But if I let you, you may not live.

What was that? What are you doing?

- Could you be more embarrassing? - Sorry to interrupt your studies.

Well, we can't all be monks like you. No.

- By the way, you're grounded. - Oh, I'm grounded?

Mm-hmm. For how long?

- For life. - Dad, come on.

- It's humiliating. - Tell me about it.

Grounded for a month.

A month! But that's worse than forever.

- OK, Dad, why? - You lied to me.

Yeah, well, you can't handle the truth.

Try me next time.

- But... but... - No, no. No. No.

- OK, Dad. I... I love Marty. - Oh, please.

- OK. - Come on.

Dad, Dad. Dad, Dad, stop. OK, just listen. Listen.

I didn't know right away. It took me a while.

- What's a while? - I've known him for three weeks,

but I knew in three days.

You can't know in three days.

- Well, maybe she can. - No, no. No.

What you're feeling is not love.

- It is young and reckless. - Yes, it is. I love him.

- You may think it's love, it is not! - No, I love him. I love him.

- No, it's not. No, it's not. - I love him.

I love him. I love him.

Dad? You OK?

There goes Jane's college education.

There goes Cara's.

- Oh, no. What about mine? - No, you're good.

Ah, no, wait. There it goes.

You can't keep me from Marty.

Dad, let me remind you that guys are half the world,

and I'll find others.

But know that only Marty gets my heart.

In the car.

- I know a really good driver. - No.

No.

Here you go.

I think your sisters aren't very happy with me.

- Duh. - Why do you think?

You're a good father, but sometimes a bad dad.

- Who told you to say that? - No one.

Was it Jane or Cara? You can tell me.

- I made it up myself. - No. You didn't.

Which one of your sisters told you to say that?

I made it up myself. I'm in the fourth grade.

- I can make things up for myself. - Jane or Cara?

- I made it up myself. - Jane or Cara?

- I'm in the fourth grade. - She's in the fourth grade!

Oh, they're here.

They're here. Come, girls.

- Hey, Poppy. - Good to see you.

Hi, Lil.

Hey, Dad.

- Well, now we're all here. - Mm-hm.

- How you doing? - Uh, fine. Or maybe not.

- My kids can't stand me. - Means you're doing something right.

Oh, you're so... Hiya, honey.

Look at your girls. They're all grown up.

No, no, no. They're still very young.

- Come on, Lilly. Lilly. - Hey, how are you?

- She's getting big. - Getting bigger every day.

- Hey, man. - Dan the man.

Good to see you.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hi, Uncle Dan. - Hey, Eileen, how are you?

- Did you hit traffic? - Yeah, it wasn't... eh, not too bad.

- Hi, sis. Good to see you. - Glad you're here.

Who are they? I've never seen these guys in my life.

- Hi, Uncle Dan. - Say something.

- Something. - It happened. I knew it. Way to go.

- Sounds good. - Help your uncle with his bags, OK?

Honey, you're down here.

Your brother, Mitch, has a friend coming to visit, so...

- I'm in the special room. - Yeah.

- Sorry, bro. - That's OK.

- You sleep tight. - You too.

- You tired? - Get down, get down!

- Morning. - Good morning.

- Sleep OK? - Yeah.

- Get down! - Can I get you guys something?

Get a life.

- She just needs some space. - That's not what she needs.

Yeah. She does.

From the sound of things, you all do.

Yeah, why don't you go get the papers?

- Oh, Mom. - Yeah, go on.

It would do you good. Get lost for a little while.

- Maybe I should stick around. - No. Get lost, Danny.

It's not a request.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Good morning. - I'll be with you in a minute.

Oh.

Well, then he went downtown.

Yeah. For coffee. Right.

Talks to him on weekends.

Hi. Excuse me. Could you help?

Um... Yes.

I'm looking for a book, obviously.

- Anything in particular? - Yeah, something that can help me

deal with, um...

...what might be an awkward situation.

Oh. OK. Um, what... what's kind of, um...

Well, something funny might be nice.

But not necessarily big, "ha ha ha," laugh-out-loud funny,

you know, and certainly not make-fun-of-other-people funny,

but rather something, uh, human funny.

OK.

And, uh, if it could, um,

sneak up on you, surprise you,

and at the same time make you think that what you thought

was not only right in a wrong kind of way,

but when you're wrong, there's a certain rightness

- to your wrongness. - Um...

Well, maybe what I mean is, um,

more importantly, I'm looking to be swept up.

And at the same time, not.

Meaning I wanna feel, uh,

a deep connection to, uh, something.

Or maybe I don't know what I'm looking for.

Well, in my experience, you rarely find it all in just one book.

- Oh. - Maybe that's why there're so many.

- Hmm. - Um...

- So, what do we have? - We have a smattering, a sort of

- potpourri of possibilities. - Potpourri?

Yeah. Um, here we go. We have, uh, poetry.

Dickinson, you know, basic stuff.

- Little Neruda is always good. - I agree.

Oh, now, this is actually a real page-turner.

The Life of Gandhi? I... No, but he...

Nobody has ever been quite so cool as him.

Um, lighthouses. A Good Man Is Hard to Find.

- Uh, the title alone. - Anna Karenina. I don't...

Oh, now, that's funny.