A Perfect Host

The man, Adonis.

His exquisite, picturesque body was so attractive,

it brought notice to the Goddess of Love, Aphrodite.

Aries, the God of War.

Violence and power were his modus operandi,

which is why Aries's love for Aphrodite

soon turned into a bitter jealousy

when he heard of the goddess's ongoing affair with Adonis.

One day, while Adonis

was out for a hunt, Aries disguised himself

as a wild boar

and brutally murdered the young man.

And where Adonis's blood was spilt,

there sprung forth the anemone flower, coated in red,

signifying the god's love of beauty in creation,

beauty in death, and beauty in new life,

carrying forth Adonis's mortal form

as a body of gods.

Please, someone help me.

Oh, help please!

Somebody help me, please!

Help me!

Help me out please!

Please help me!

Help me!

This looks cool.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I gotta pee.

Hi, this is Tad.

Hey, Tad, this is Sam...

Sorry I missed you.

I'm sure our conversation would've been

- a delight. - Gotta be kidding me.

Leave me a message

and I'll get back to you

as soon as humanly possible.

Hi, this is Sam with the...

Hi, this is Sam Hagen.

We just got to the rental property.

The access code you've given us is not working.

Please gimme a call back.

Any luck?

Hmm.

Already tried that.

What?

Finally.

I tried that the first time.

- Maybe the customer isn't always right.

Oh, ha ha.

Ooh, there's a fireplace.

That'll be fun.

Where is the damn squatter?

Maybe there isn't one?

- Oh my gosh, if it's an outhouse,

I swear...

- Well, you remember the last place, right?

What?

Oh, with the fleas.

The fleas.

- With the fleas! - The fleas!

- Fleas! - Flee the fleas.

- And it's no wonder that Cory got such a good deal.

Found it!

I'm gonna text them,

see what the plan is.

Huh.

Boo!

Shit.

Why?

- It's just so easy - Why would you do that?

Every time.

I hate you so much.

Do you think we can get Cory

to go skinny-dipping in the lake?

- He's, like, naked 90% of the time, so...

He is in a major naked phase.

Yeah.

- Wow. - Which is usually reserved

for like five-year-olds, but...

And Cory.

- So... - Well?

So?

So?

Head to toe, or?

- Ooh, but then our things would still be correlating.

No, we'll go hole-to-hole.

B-hole, B-hole.

B.

Yeah, I think - What?

I'm gonna still say no.

Nothing can happen.

It's just butts.

Just butts.

- My butt likes its own bed, thank you.

- Well, my butt gets lonely, all right?

Okay, bye.

All right.

Fine, I'll take the master anyway.

There's a master?

Speaking with a beret on.

- Yeah, I know. - I just feel so French

whenever I drink wine.

- And you just look good in a beret.

Thank you.

I've thought so, too, yeah.

Kinda looks like a big boob.

- You know what I was thinking about?

Remember MC Mister E from college?

No.

That doesn't ring a bell.

I think you do.

- No. - Yeah.

No, I can't, I can't.

Pretty please?

No.

- Please. - Come on.

- You're gonna do the cat thing? - Come on.

- Okay. - Yeah.

All right.

- I just wanna see MC. - I'll do it.

Just give me a sec.

Okay.

Gotta get into character.

Mmm hmm, of course.

So, I've got this car, right?

Right.

- And I don't get why you're laughin'.

- It's very serious. - I'm sorry.

I got it very, I'm sorry.

- So, I've got this car and it's pretty cool, I guess.

I've heard that you need one to sort of compensate

for certain endowments or lack thereof, so...

- Do you mean like your penis size?

Yeah.

Just one of many Mister E's many insecurities.

- That's so weird because in most of your songs,

you sound so confident.

Mmm hmm, yeah.

Like, what's that one song?

"Golf Club Dick."

Yeah.

How does that go again?

Um, let's see.

Um...

It just does that for like 10 more minutes.

It does that over and over again.

And it's the longest song.

It is super long.

It's such a good song.

- Okay. - Thank you for that.

Yeah.

All right, let's see what we got here.

"Body of Gods, an exploration of Greek artistry.

"The perfect body and the minds that sculpted them."

- That sounds like my kind of flick.

The sequel's better.

Is that the only movie?

Yeah, that's literally it.

Oh.

Okay.

Hey.

There's something I have been meaning to ask you.

- The answer is yes, I brought you here to murder you.

Shut up.

I am serious.

Um...

Was it about me?

- Come on, is this like a Q and A or something?

Okay, this isn't an interview.

I just wanna know.

You know, lines in it were actual conversations

that we have had.

Especially from that morning.

Look.

Yes.

The play was about you.

At least a lot of it was.

But that's just art, you know?

I take stuff from my life, from my point of view.

- Yeah, but it didn't happen to you.

That night was, uh, scary.

I know especially for you

but for both of us.

I made sure nothing happened.

You don't know that.

I love you.

I have loved you

since we were stupid college freshmen

and I thought if we got here before Becca and Cory,

we could talk about it.

I knew it.

- Sam, if you... - No, no, no.

I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing the whole inside joke thing with you anymore.

I can't talk to you about your problems

that you're having with these other guys.

I'm done.

Who the hell was that?

I don't know.