Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery

Then people go, "Goddamn, at least he's not a hypocrite."

"You've got to give it to him, that's the worst part of it."

All right.

I ate a pork chop. I don't want to brag or anything like that.

But it's in my belly right now as we speak.

And I realized that you... you eat at a restaurant

different than you eat at home, you know?

Like, at home you would never cook up a pork chop on your skillet, you know,

and make it nice and hot on one side,

then turn it over, make it hot on the other side,

and then cut into it and see how it's going in the middle.

And then you go, "Man, I'm going to love eating this delicious pork chop.

As soon as it's hot enough to eat, I'll eat it.

But while I'm waiting,

I'm going to eat a big loaf of bread."

Who would do that?

"With, like, 35 pats of butter, and I'll eat that loaf of bread."

"And that will get my appetite sharpened up...

for the pork."

I also noticed that desserts are different nowadays.

When I was young, the waiter would come and go,

"What do you want for dessert - cherry pie or apple pie?"

And you would go, "I will have a cherry pie."

And the guy would bring me... Very simple. You know, things were simple back then.

Now desserts - oh, my Lord!

The guy shows up and he's got a big tray at a canted angle,

and every confection known to man is on it.

He's...

And I don't like the way he talks,

because he doesn't talk, like, the pork-chop talk any more.

All of a sudden, for the dessert, he's, like, all the sexual undertones.

You know, the...

I mean, he's all like, "Ah."

"Why are you saying 'ah' like that?" He's like, "Ah."

"May I tempt you with something?"

"Tempt me?"

"Do you like decadent things?"

"Well, I don't..."

"I hope you left some room in your belly." "OK, listen."

"Are we still talking about desserts here? What the... is going on?"

"I don't want to end up blowing you in the bathroom or something."

"I don't want to end up blowing the guy in the bathroom. Listen...

I can be tricked as much as the next fellow, and...

I don't want to be in the bathroom.

Hey! Wait a second! Whoa!"

"Hold on here, maestro! I..."

"I thought we were talking about a butterscotch pudding or something."

"I don't care much for you, Captain, I'll tell you that right now."

"I'll continue, I'm a man of my word, but I'll say this."

"I'll say this, Chief."

"Were my word not my bond, then none of this..."

"I'm doing it reluctantly. I don't know if you noticed that, but..."

Sex to me is...

First of all, I'm an old man, you know?

I... I'm like uh... threescore and...

twelve, or something like that.

I'm trying to get "score" going again.

I feel that Lincoln,

when he thought that up, he thought that was going to go.

You know what I mean?

Like, his wife was like, "Why don't you just say '87'?"

He's like, "Why don't you shut the fuck up?"

"Last I checked, I was the orator in the family

and you were the fucking insane lady."

"When I say fourscore and seven, believe me...

'score' is going to catch on big time."

But...

it never did.

Here's another little presidential thing.

You know there's a story about George Washington,

and they say, "Oh, He chopped down a cherry tree,"

when he was a little child.

When his parents came home they said, "Who chopped down the cherry tree?"

and Little George said, "It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.

I cannot tell a lie."

And you go, "Wow! What a great story."

But then you think about it a little bit, right?

Imagine if you drove home to your house, right?

And you get there and go, "Hey, what the fuck happened to the cherry tree?"

"Did somebody chop it down or something?"

And then you go inside,

and there's your child... with an axe.

So you go, "What happened to the cherry tree?"

and then he goes,

"I chopped down the cherry tree."

"I cannot tell a lie."

And then you go, "OK."

"The first part of what you said, it bothers me a lot."

"The second part scares the fuck out of me. You..."

"You can't tell a lie?"

"You're incapable of lying?"

That would...

That would scare me.

Now I live in LA. We go to parties in LA.

And I go, too, but I'm no good at them.

Here's my problem - I have no opinions.

You know how people have opinions?

I don't got none. I...

Like political and...

So sometimes before I go to a party, I'll just turn on the TV,

and whatever that guy said, I'll say that.

But I'm not good...

Like, when I go to parties, I don't want serious discussions.

I try to find somebody that is at my same level.

And I'm good at it. I can...

Like, you know how they say guys have gaydar - they can see other gay people?

I'm like that with guys at my same level of smartness.

Like, I can see a guy in the corner and go,

"I can keep up with that motherfucker right there."

And then I make a beeline for that character.

And then we talk about Jughead comics for a couple of hours...

and everything's fine.

Sometimes people go, "Why do you even go to these parties

if you don't like, you know, talking?"

Here's why I go to parties.

There's only one reason why I go to parties.

The reason why I love parties, because I love those little sandwiches

where they're triangles...

and they cut the crusts off,

and then they're little equilateral triangles,

and they put a little toothpick.

And it has, like, golden cellophane...

and red cellophane.

I can eat 30, 40 of those fuckers.

And you can only get them at parties.

Like... I have gone to restaurants and I go,

"You got any of them sandwiches that are shaped like triangles?"

And they go, "No, all our sandwiches are shaped like sandwiches."

I go, "Oh, fuck."

And then...

I go to, like, a grocery store.

I go, "Yes, where is... What aisle is the sandwiches with the toothpicks?"

They go, "We don't got none."

"Have you tried a party?"

I go, "I'm trying not to...

go to those things."

But I don't drink, so I'm no good at parties for that reason.

And drugs, I don't do them. Used to.

When I was a boy, young, I would do anything, you know?

LSD, that was about the strongest drug I ever did - acid.

I don't know if you've ever done acid, but...

When I was young, they would tell me,

"You have got to be careful with that acid, on account of you can do it,

and then you have a flashback.

Like, ten years could pass, 20 years could pass,

and then you get a flashback."

So I thought, "Well, that sounds like a good deal," you know?

I went to my drug dealer Frank.

I said, "Frank...

is there a drug on the market where I pay you $5...

I take the drug, I get high,

and then, 20 years later, I get high again?"

He said yes.

And I think of myself as somebody who's good at stretching his drug dollar.

But the point of the whole thing

is for me to tell you young folk...

that it's not... it's not true at all, you know?

Because I have not done LSD since I was a teenager.

Ten years have passed, 20 years have passed.

Sadly, 30 years have passed.

And still...

no flash...

What a gyp that turned out to be.

I...

Just more horseshit by the big acid companies if you ask me.

I don't want to...

I don't want to get too political, but...

if you think big acid...

cares about you, the little guy...

They care about their third-quarter profits.

That's what they care about.

You know, my friend is a vegetarian.

And have you ever been wrong,

and you suddenly realize, you know, like...

Because she... all her arguments are right about vegetarianism.