The New Pope

Bedtime, now!

OK, we're ready.

Hand me the heart.

You all wanna hear something funny?

This heart belonged to an Egyptian

a Muslim.

Pray!

Have you been praying here all night?

It didn't work

the transplant didn't take.

How do you know?

I don't need to know.

I feel it.

It was not God.

It was the Church.

"Our hatred is concrete

and our enemy is obvious.

It is Iblis.

It is the Christian.

And as the Koran says: I will fill Hell with you all

you and all those after you."

The latest conciliatory words from the Caliph.

A raving lunatic is not a priority of mine.

No, everything is your priority right now

my most eminent Secretary of State.

You've got terrorists at your gates

you've got an overdose of sexual scandals

that democratically touches the entire ecclesiastical hierarchy

and you've got a Pope who's no longer loved

but idolized.

Three failed heart transplants later he's still in coma

so you can't exactly squash the idolatry

and you know all too well how dangerous idolatry is.

Idolatry...

is the prelude to war.

My compliments for your expository clarity.

Thank you for the compliment.

Expository clarity is one of the prerogatives

of an ambassador to the Holy See.

I have often asked myself if you are merely an ambassador

or if you also perform other, shall we say

more delicate roles for governments.

Nine months ago, Pius XIII fell into a coma.

He is still alive but at the same time, he is dead.

You need a new Pope.

Pius XIII is our Pope.

Have you no compassion, no Christian charity?

I don't even know what they are.

In fact, I'm being paid not to have them.

I thought they also paid you never to be moved.

True.

I'm only moved in my free time.

Let me say it again, you need a conclave.

You are moving too fast, Bauer.

The world is moving too fast.

In the Vatican we move at our own pace

which is why we have lasted so long.

- Our procedures are our power. - Power!

Power!

Your empire is collapsing, Voiello.

And you know it.

A new Pope...

For the role in question, humbly permit me to propose Hernández

or, how about Sir John Brannox?

You know Pope Pius XIII so well

you even claim that Lenny Belardo granted you a miracle.

So, what do you think of this conclave?

A new Pope while the other one is still alive?

Albeit, alas, in coma.

Doesn't this all seem a little strange to you?

No, it's not strange.

It's criminal.

I know the Vatican.

It's a den of snakes and scoundrels

blackmailers and perverts.

And they can't wait to expel the only pure soul

who's ever set foot in there: Pius XIII.

But they've miscalculated.

Pius XIII is a saint.

And to do good, a saint only has to breathe.

So, brethren, have we given the matter some thought?

- I like Cardinal Paoletti. - You mean physically?

I would refrain from making sexual innuendos these days.

This is no time for joking, brethren

we are deciding our own fate and that of the Church.

But at any rate, I fear Paoletti has Parkinson's

so we'd be back to square one in three months.

- Steinbeck? - Another American?

And besides, they have just discovered

a nasty little something in his prostate.

The legendary Sir John Brannox?

I've never known a cardinal who could convert Anglicans to Catholicism before.

Too much of a snob.

He didn't want the crimson cap and didn't attend the consistory.

OK, Voiello, why don't you just give us the list

of whoever's in good enough health?

That will help us narrow down the list and speed things up.

Hernández? He's in excellent health

and is an extraordinary priest.

I don't trust extraordinary priests

under their robes hides an ordinary man.

I hardly ever understand you, Voiello.

I feel such tenderness for you, Aguirre.

Please, don't ever stop not understanding me.

Then you suggest someone, Voiello.

A strong candidate, because Hernández

has an impressive array of supporters.

Don't you think that after all these years my time has come?

I am in perfect health.

To that end, I have prepared a copy

of my latest test results for each of you.

Let me introduce you to Don Luigi Cavallo

my new right-hand man.

An expert in making the world feel uneasy.

He will be invaluable.

Now, I encourage you to think of me

not as the Vatican Secretary of State

who may at times have been wily

despotic and brutal.

As a Pope I would be different...

warm, moderate, prudent

and respectful of all sexual orientations.

Finally an ordinary Pope

having been an extraordinary man.

Just look at him and picture him as Pope.

Who is more ordinary than him?

A stocky build, a forgettable face

except for one detail which emphasises

its mediocrity.

I would wage a war against eccentricity

wherever it lurks.

"Living in the norm"

would be a fitting title

for a new book that could be released to mark the occasion.

Brannox.

Hernández.

Brannox.

It's not looking good.

Voiello is not breaking through.

Hernández is in the lead.

If he manages to draw another thirty or so votes

he is the new pope.

Who the heck is Brannox?

You have something on your cheek.

I would like a pope who allows priests to marry.

I would like him to officiate at my wedding to Luisa.

I'm sure he'd like her.

Who wouldn't like a woman blessed with grace and warmth?

I'd like to come out of hiding

a condition that has made me a squalid, miserable, anxious man.

I would like a pope who could save all the children we destroyed

tormented, abandoned.

A pope who would send me straight to hell

because, Holy Father, I can't take it anymore.

Where is Aguirre?

He's already repositioned himself in Hernández's room.

The irresistible call of the maracas.

Voiello, you can't seem to break through.

- I noticed. - Oh well, better luck next time.

Next time I will be 114 years old!

Tomorrow will be the 35th round of voting

at the which point Hernández will only need 58 votes to become Pope.

In truth, he already has them

and with Aguirre, he'll have 59.

We might as well align ourselves with him, as well.

Not on your life.

Voiello, it's over.

No, it's only just begun.

Under pressure a good Secretary of State

must be flexible and tactical.