Kes

Jud.

What?

Tha'd better get up.

The alarm's gone off, tha knows.

You think I don't know?

- Jud. - What?

- Tha'll be late! - Shut it.

- Clock's not fast. - l said shut it.

- - Get out! That hurts!

- Well, shut it then. - I'll tell me mum on thee.

Shut your stinkin' hole.

Christ.

- Set clock on for me. For 7:00. - Set it yourseIf.

Go on. Tha are up.

Ηands off cocks, on socks.

You rotten sod! Just because you have to get up!

Another few weeks, Iad, tha'll be getting up with me.

- l'lI not. - Won't tha?

- No, 'cause l'm not gonna work down pit. - Where's ya gonna work then?

l don't know, but l'm not gonna work down pit.

No. And have l to tell thee why?

For one thing, tha's to be able to read and write before they set thee on.

And for another, they won't trouble with a little twat like thee.

- Switch the light out then. - Switch it out yourself.

Me biIlicking bike!

- l thought you weren't coming. - Why? l'm not late, am l?

Very near.

- I nearly was though. - What do you mean?

Our Jud, he's taken the bike.

- What you gonna do then? - Walk it.

Walk it? How long do you think that's gonna take?

- It'Il not take me long. - Hey.

There's a waiting list a mile long for that job of yours.

Good lads, too, most of 'em. From up Firs HilI, round there.

l haven't let you down, have l?

- Ah, morning. Morning. - Morning, sir.

- Not very promising again. - A bit on the nippy side as weIl this morning.

- Aye. - 20 Players tipped, pIease.

Oh, right.

- l've not got 20. Will two 1 0's do? - Yes. That'll be quite all right, thank you.

- Ah, thank you. - Right.

- Cheerio. - Cheerio. Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

- You know what they said when I took you on? - What?

They said, "You'lI have to keep your eyes open now, you know.

They're all aIike in that state up there. He'll take your breath if you're not carefuI."

- l haven't taken nowt of yours yet, have I? - Well, l haven't given you a chance, that's why.

You don't have to. l – l haven't been nicking for ages now.

- WeIl, come on then. Don't stand about alI day. - I'm goin'.

- Hey up, young 'un! How thee goin' on? - Not so bad.

You want to get one of these. This is better than walkin'.

Ah, only just. l could go faster on a kid's scooter.

- WeIl, tha knows what l aIways say. - What?

Third-class ridin's better than first-cIass walkin' any day.

You call that third-class ridin'? ln that ramshack?

What you mean, ramshack? This is one of best modeIs the dairy's got.

Cheeky young 'un. See thee tomorrow.

- Can only go 20 mile an hour, as it is. - Yeah? Got too much rattle, thee.

"Desperate Dan is stronger than all, but this opponent makes him fall.

Right! Where do you want to fight?

Right here! Skid. Down l go again! What's making me fall?

Now's my chance to jump on his chest! Thud!

You won't catch me out this time, you braggart!

A sock in the midriff will settle your game! Splash!

What's this on my face? Why, it's grease!

Give me that tube back!

That's how he kept making me slip! He was squirting invisible grease under my feet!

You dirty twister! It's time somebody taught you a Iesson!

Take that! Crash!

Where did he end up?

- In the middle of next week, UncIe Dan!" -

- Evenin'. - I told you it wouIdn't take me long.

What did you do? Throw haIf of 'em over the gates or something?

No need to. l know some shortcuts on the way back.

l'll bet you do. Over other folks' property.

How many times do you want telIin' where to put that bag?

- Time is it? - Time you were at school.

ls it that late?

I wouldn't be your teacher for all the coal in BarnsIey.

- Oh, Mr. Porter! -

- Watch it, Mr. Porter. - You clumsy young bugger!

What you tryin' to do? KiIl me?

l Iost me balance.

l wouldn't put it past you either. I fair feIt me heart go then.

Just sit down here and relax a couple of minutes.

Are you aIl right now?

l'm bloody champion.

l'll be off then.

And don't be Iate tonight.

- Allot? - Sir.

- Bowser? - Sir.

- Bridges? - Absent, sir.

- Absent. Bridges. Casper? - Sir.

- Clegg? - Sir.

- Fisher? - German Bight.

- Did you say something? - Yes, sir. I didn't mean –

Stand up, lad.

- What did you say? - German Bight, sir.

- - He's daft, sir.

- He's right, sir. - Is this your ridiculous idea of a joke?

- No, sir. - WeIl, what is the idea then?

Well, when you said "Fisher," sir –

- Well, what about it? - Just came out. Fisher. German Bight.

lt's the shipping forecast, sir. Fisher. German Bight. Cromarty.

l Iike to hear it every night, sir.

- I like names. - Huh.

And so you thought you'd enlighten me and the rest of the class with your idiotic information?

- No, sir. - BIurting out and making a mess of my register.

- lt just came out, sir. - And so did you, Casper.

- Just come out from under a stone. -

l said, quiet!

ls anyone else absent besides Bridges and Fisher?

Any girIs?

Right. Now, then, it's time we're off to assembly.

One row at a time. This one, stand.

Move forward.

Pamela, you're talking. Cut it out.

Hey up, BiIly. What's that mean, Germans bite?

Oh, shut your mouth. l'm sick of hearin' about "Germans bite."

- Are you comin' nestin' tomorrow? - Yeah, I'Il come.

- What time? - About 6:00.

Don't be late.

- Thou coming, Guth? - Where?

Nestin'.

- When? - Tomorrow.

- What time? - About 6:00.

- Can't. - Why?

- Takin' girlfriend to Sheffield. - Excuses!

Oh, they're not goin' at 6:00 after all!

- -

What the bloody hell do you want at this time in the morning?

- Get your Mac up. - Hey, he's fast asleep.

l can't get him up at this time.

- Go get him up for me. - His father, he'lI be down to ya!

l'm not bothered about his father. l want your MacDowell.

- Bugger off, you littIe sod! - Get him up, see ya!

l'm not gettin' him up. lt's too earIy for him.

- He said l had to get him up. - He's fast asIeep and he's not goin'.

So just get off with ya.

- Now, then. What's tha doin'? - Nowt.

Well, bugger off then. Don't you know it's private property?

- Can I get up to that kestreI's nest? - What kestrel's nest?

- Up wall. - There's no nest up there, so off tha goes.

There is. l've seen 'em come out.

What wilI tha do when tha gets up there? Take all its eggs?

- There ain't any eggs. There are young 'uns. - WeIl, there's nowt to go up for then, is there?

Can l come to the bottom then? Never seen a kestrel's nest before.

Come on then.

- There it is. - Aye.

- That big hole. - It's nested there for donkeys' years now.

- Just think. And l never knew. - No, there's not many that does.

Been watching from the wood there.

Goes onto post, then hovers...

then swoops down onto it prey, carries it off to it young 'uns.

Looks great.

l've been gonna knock that wall down for ages now.

- What for? - Well, it's dangerous.

l won't even let her play near.

If I lived round here, l'd get a young 'un and train it.

- Would ya? - You can train 'em.

Do you know how?

Do you know?

No. There's not many that does.

They're hard to train. lf they're not kept properly, it's criminal.

- Do you know anybody who's kept 'em? - One or two.

But, uh, they had to Iet 'em go because they're hard to train.

Where can l find out about 'em then?

Well, uh, probably at pubIic library. They'Il have some books on 'em.

- Where's that? - Down at city.

Hey. Are you a member?

- What do you mean? - Are you a member of the library?

l don't know about that. l onIy want a book on falconry, that's all.

Well, you have to be a member to take a book out.

- But l only want one. - Have you filled one of these forms in?

- No. - You're not a member then.

You'll have to take one of these home first for your father to sign.

- Me dad's away. - You can wait till he comes back home, can't you?

I don't mean that. l mean he's left home.

Oh, l see. Well, in that case your mother'll have to sign it for you.

Yeah, but she's at work and she'll not be home till teatime, and it's Sunday tomorrow.

- There's no rush, is there? - I've never broke a book, you know.

- l haven't tore it or – - Look at your hands. They're absolutely fiIthy.

- We'll end up with dirty books that way. - l don't ready dirty books.

l should hope you don't read dirty books. You're not old enough to read dirty books.

Me mum knows one of the people who works here. That'Il help, won't it?

No, that doesn't heIp at all. You still have to have the back signed.

To be a member, you'll have to have somebody over 21 ...

who is on the borough electoral roll to sign it for you.

- Yeah, well, l'm over 21 . - You're not over 21 .

Yeah, but l vote.

- You don't vote. You're not old enough to vote. - I vote for me mum. She don't like voting, so I do it.

Just have to wait for it, won't you?

Where would I find a – a book then? ln a shop, or –

Go down the street. There's a secondhand bookshop there. You'Il find some down there.

- Good afternoon. Can l heIp you? - Yes.

l'm rather interested in Noel Coward's autobiography...

uh, Present Indicative.

Um –

No, l believe it's a compIete book.

- What tha got this for? Tha can't read. - Give us it here!