Above the Line

["Carol of the Bells," ominous instrumental]

["Carol of the Bells," ominous instrumental]

- Ah, there she is.

Good old Hollywood.

Sold as a land of dreams,

this is a deeply backwards town for the majority.

Fablers and thespians flock to the twinkling lights,

where they fight to make believe,

until a select few rise up

and metastasize into the gatekeepers themselves.

When some reach new heights, they withhold a helping hand

and instead spit on the fellow creatives below.

- Hey everyone, welcome to Entertainment Evening.

We have lots to unpack for you tonight,

including a red carpet altercation...

- But on Christmas Eve,

a sextuplet of struggling artists

will have their fortunes altered

by an unexpected and mysterious holiday gift.

- Dear distinguished guest,

you are cordially invited to...

- ... a remarkable and exclusive evening

that will forever change your life.

- Enclosed is your golden ticket.

- And a $1,000 preview of a fortune to be had.

- Inscribed on the ticket is your pseudonym,

call time, and address.

You are Ghost.

- Lastly, there are three rules for the event.

Don't bring cell phones,

don't discuss your personal lives

and don't be late.

See you tonight.

-I bet some pretty famous people Uber up here, yeah?

They don't ride UberPool.

- Right. Right.

Hey, what's the craziest thing you've seen while driving?

Okay, okay, I got one.

I once saw a pigeon fly out of a woman's bag.

Now this is a true story.

So I'm sitting up here in the front seat.

Now, two women who don't know each other

are sittin' in the back.

Now, grocery bag lady falls asleep,

and no sooner does she do that than bang!

A pigeon flies out, and this guy is flapping,

and he is going crazy.

And the old lady sitting next to her,

she grabs the pigeon,

snaps the bird's neck real casual,

and puts it right back into the grocery bag.

And the craziest part about this

is grocery lady never even woke up.

Made me realize how much we miss

just by closing our eyes.

-Shit...I remember that monologue

from Leonard Kahn's class.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, went there in 2017.

Did the same monologue.

You're good.

You gotta slow it down though.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

On, um, on which part?

Thank you for the invitation to...

Thank you. Thank you.

Good day. Thank you so much for this surprise invitation

to your humble abode.

No one says that.

Hello. Good day. It's nice to meet you.

It's nice to be at your sophisticated

and yet humble abode.

-Mm-hm. You're late and you sound Mormon.

Yeah. No, no, no.

Sorry. My--my driver dropped me off

-a little bit down the road. -Oh!

He doesn't have it.

-Oh no, no. No, no. I have it.

- The card? -Yeah, I have it.

Yeah, it says--it says-- it says I'm a Hero.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!

All right, hold on.

Read the sign. Wipe your hooves.

Oh. Yeah.

It's a little tarpy in here though.

-Yeah, a lot of tarps. Very American Psycho .

Whooh. Yeah, I'll say.

-Hey. - Hello, everyone.

-Here. Drink this, but drink it slowly.

We don't have a lot of alcohol here.

Okay, guys, this is Hero.

He's late. Hero, this is everyone.

They've been waiting.

Go ahead, introduce yourselves.

-My card says I'm a Ghost, but I'm not a ghost.

-Yeah, no, I'm the spaceman. - Great.

-I was a goat , though, in a past life in Scotland.

No, but I'm here in front of you right now.

-Hi. Princess. -Howdy. Cowboy.

And I'm the Dame.

-So, uh, you coordinate this rendezvous?

No. No, I--I wish.

- Well, this is it then. Us six.

Oh, and how do you know that?

There's six chairs.

- Right. Okay, right, that--

yeah, math checks out, everybody.

Um, so does anybody know each other, or is-

-No. -Nope.

- Mm-mm. -No one knows anything,

but clearly this is a game show.

So I just want to put out right now,

when we do split up into teams,

I just want to let you know that I'm very lucky.

I'm unusually lucky.

Like, every dog I've ever known has lived more than 15 years.

Fifteen years! Ha! That's unheard of.

I doubt it's a game show.

Maybe this is a cult thing.

-Honestly, I thought it was another intervention.

So I've already won.

-You know, they might be single-filin' us

through that Great Blue Door.

- Hmm? -Uh--

-A Blue Door is a cow's entrance to a slaughterhouse.

-See, they don't know where they are

before they get popped right between the eyes.

Ah!

Hang on, what is that?

What is that?

-Come on. Hey, hey, hey, guys, come on.

Rule number one on the invite is no cells.

- You brought your cell phone with you, didn't you?

-No, you saw me leaving the apartment.

-Then what's ringing? Is it in your sock?

-Did you bring your phone? -It's not my fucking phone!

I didn't bring my phone.

-Okay, rule number two is don't talk about your personal lives.

What--what is happening right now?

-Well, you--you--you did say the dog thing.

- But dog's not the same thing.

-Dog is not personal life. - Quiet!

-All right, well, he's my brother.

-He's always up my ass. - telling them--

-They would have figured it out eventually.

I don't know what you want from me.

You got to shut your gizzard.

-Jesus Christ. -Everyone, shut up!

-Listen. -Shut up!

-God, it's still sealed. -Is it in there?

Oh, wait.

What does the card say?

"Saddle up for a wild night."

[woman vocalizing "Carol of the Bells"]

-Think someone's supposed to come in?

Yeah, right.

Well, you missed your cue.

Saddle up.

Nobody? Come on, come on.

That was an amateur clue.

Any of you guys could have made a better clue than that clue.

-Maybe there's something under one of our chairs.

Maybe it's like a sexual thing

and we're supposed to partner off?

- Oh, my God. -What?

- Fun fact, he actually took dialect classes

to get rid of his accent,

but he does call in reservations

as Matthew McConaughey.

Oh God, why?

-Because this town is chock-full of smug folk,

and it is my way of keeping pace.

How clever.

I mean, I just assumed we're all in the industry.

- You're actress? -Yeah.

But I just dropped my manager,

and I'm actually saving up for some new headshots, so-

All right.

I bet I could guess everybody's jobs.

- So, overconfident producer?

Wait, wait, guys.

I don't think we should be talking about our lives.

Okay. So, producer, actress...

-Hm. -Writer, and...

directing duo.

-Mm. Nope. -Yeah.

- Who never agree on anything.

-Yeah. And actor.

-Ha! No. -Bad actor.

-No, listen, you don't know anything about me.

Who has thin skin.

Okay, fuck off.

- Let's figure out what, uh,

saddle up means.

-It doesn't have anything to do with the chairs.

The welcome mat!

-Jesus! -Oh! The welcome mat!

We're all idiots.

You want another one of these?