Mars

We just got hit by a

shitload of asteroids sir.

Ah, rear thrusters are out!

Turn the force field up to

one thousand percent.

This is gonna be close!

I just shit my space pants!

Put the wheels down

We're about to land on Mars!

I can't breathe

There's no air.

We were fools to come here.

Fools!

Remember your training men.

What's happening to me?

My eyes!

Gerold, no!

He just got married! Aww!

Now it's happening to me!

Our suits are malfunctioning!

Fight it!

Fight it Carl!

Noooo!

His wife just had a baby.

Why God?

Ho-ly shiiiiit!

Pretty terrible isn't it?

This is what it would have been like if we'd attempted

to travel to Mars only seven years ago.

That was a mercy kill.

Yep it's true.

Space travel was pretty grim stuff back when big

government was running the game.

But now that space exploration has been privatized,

soon space travel will be like this.

I was just playing future tennis on the holocourt.

When do we land?

We just did sir.

Ha! Hot damn, I didn't feel a thing.

Welcome to Mars. More space champagne?

We're taking applications now to be part of our

maiden voyage.

So blast off from your mundane world and spend

your life among the stars.

The voyage begins one month from now.

so send your applications today.

Okay little Davey.

I'm just gonna need you to open real big for me.

Don't need to scream.

No, no, this is just a mirror.

Okay just a sec.

This can't hurt you.

How's my future son-in-law doing?

I'm doing just great Dr. Simpson.

I got you something.

Open it!

Uh, well, I'm sort of in the middle of...

Open it.

Oh-kay.

It's a VHS copy of the movie Son In Law .

Fitting huh?

Right, because I'm marrying your daugter, yes.

Pop it in real quick. I want to show you a scene.

Yeah I don't think we have a VCR here.

Oh God damnit!

Oh, okay, well uh there's this scene...

Where they're at a concert in this bar...

... and Pauly Shore is like...

"It's the weasel buuudy"

You know what? You know what? I'll watch it when I

get home tonight.

Ooh ooh, will you call me when you get to that scene?

Ah you know, I probably won't but we can talk about it

tomorrow when I get in. Okay?

Oh okay, yeah yeah yeah. We'll talk about it

in the morning when you get in.

You know maybe I should get back to him.

He's having a real tough time here.

'Course he is. Kids hate the dentist.

Everyone does actually.

Every single person we see this is the worst day

of their whole year.

That's why the suicide rates are so high for us.

Okay, uh, well if you're going to be doing that...

I think it's time for little Davey to go out and

see his mom. Okay we'll schedule a follow up buddy.

Here you go sport.

Have a sucker.

You know why I always give 'em a sucker?

Gets them addicted to sugar.

Rots their teeth.

Keeps them coming back.

We keep drilling their faces.

The more faces we drill...

The more money we get. >

I understand.

We take that money and we buy things with it.

Ah huh, I got that part.

The things we buy make us more attractive to women.

Naturally, sir.

If they're attracted to us...

then we can have sex with them.

Yeah you don't need to keep explaining. Um...

And when we have sex with them

we can achieve orgasm.

Ah, how far is this gonna go?

And when we orgasm...

our brains...

...release serontonin...

of well being.

Which helps with the whole suicide thing.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and

bring in the next patient.

Okay gang, next up is...

...Katie Sheldon.

I would suck a dick.

I would literally suck a mans dick to have your life.

Okay thank you Cooter.

- Do you hear the words that I'm saying?

I'm telling you... Hey hey, look at me.

I'm telling you... I would blow a man...

...I would blow an adult man for your life.

Do you hear me? - Yeah I hear you Cooter.

My friend here is engaged to the hottest girl in town...

...and her old man is just giving him his dental

practice when he retires. I mean...

...hello. Who's dick did you suck in another life

to get dealt this hand? Because I want to meet this

dick and I want to suck it.

- Cooter trust me, my life is not that great.

What are you talking about?

You ever look at your life

...and you know exactly how it's going to go....

...all the way down?

No.

- There are literally no important decisions

left for me.

I will get the dental practice...

...were I will drill

little kids faces until I am 65 years old.

I am going to marry Candace.

Those things are going to happen.

We will probably have two children...

...and we'll work every day to make our mortgage.

And we'll scrimp and save to put our kids

through college. And then once they're gone

we'll wonder where all the time went.

And then we'll live as strangers in the same house

until one of us dies

and the other teters off into dimentia.

I would suck your dick for that life.

I would literally suck your...

Dude!

Let me suck your dick.

- What? -I'm serious

Let's finish our drinks go into the bathroom

Turn our phones off and I will suck your dick.

- Alright Cooter you are drunk and you need to go.

Why are you being like this?

Cooter, I'm not gay.

What? Neither am I.

There's nothing gay about it.

Look I'm trying to do you a solid so you can be like...

...Oh, I guess my life is not so bad.

I got a hot fiance, I got my own business,

and my best friend is blowing me right now.

- Why are you so weird when you're drunk?

That hurt my feilings.

I am going to the bathroom.

Hey Cooter cool out!

He is cut off.

He's fine.

For the last three weeks, ordinary

people across the country

have been sending video submissions hoping to be

one of the lucky citizens chosen at random

to be among the first people to set foot on Mars.

And we have our first winner: Wimmy Tilliams.

A 34 year old father of five who teaches Sunday

school in Watertown, South Dakota.

- Wimmy you just got the big news.

How are you feeling today?

- I'm so excited to be going on an

honest to God adventure.

To take a journey where absolutely

anything can happen.

- Now Wimmy we ran some quick calculations...

...and not only will you be one of the first people

to ever set foot on Mars...

...you will also be the

fattest astronaut ever in space.

Oh. Is that so?

By quite a lot.

- Okay, well, I guess it won't really matter since

since in space, everyone is weightless.

True, true.

But you'll still look fat.

- I'm sorry, is there a question here?

- Bartender? There's a guy in the bathroom

and he is way out of line.