Modern Family

Well, how do I look?

Big day. I'm going to see Alex.

I'm, uh -- I'm a little nervous

because she's been pulling away lately.

Calls don't get returned.

I don't get asked to visit as much.

Maybe it's hitting me hard

'cause I never went through that with my dad.

After my junior year,

we -- we rode a tandem bike across Mykonos.

Come to think of it, there were lots of fathers and sons there.

Phil, sit.

We need to talk about the ducks.

We hate the ducks.

Again? You have a problem.

I'm hearing a lot of negatives,

but we're overlooking the fact that feathers can now fetch.

Honey, she pulled a wet hot dog bun out of the sink,

and you said, "get the bun."

That doesn't count as fetching.

Please tell me they're not gonna live here forever.

You're really not the one to make that argument.

Oh, like you're not gonna

die of natural causes in that bunk bed upstairs.

Look, we have provided them with a good home.

When they're ready, they'll leave.

Could be any day.

Oh, and in the duck's defense, Claire,

you can't stick your leg out of your robe at breakfast

and then pretend to hate the attention.

Um...Why didn't you fight harder about the ducks?

You heard what he said.

The ducks could leave any day now.

Yeah, or it could be two months from now.

Or any day now.

Or a month and a half fr--

how are you not getting this?

Mitch called. He wants to know when are you bringing

the air mattress for Lily's sleepover.

You know, for a guy who refuses to buy his own air mattresses,

he's pretty particular about when they arrive.

No, no! Don't eat my sauce.

Then I won't have enough to sell at the farmers' market.

No. Oh, geez. Not the fat finger.

You always do this when I put on a few.

I didn't say anything.

It's not what you say.

It's that damn lard dipstick finger of yours.

It disappeared up to the second knuckle.

Manny: Well, now that that's over with,

I can finally share my latest football-related problem.

Mitchell's right. I should probably get a move on.

The team left me out of the end-of-the-season prank.

You know, that takes me back.

We told the school board that coach Davis was a communist.

The man spent a weekend in jail.

Simpler times.

Well, that's better than what these meatheads cooked up.

They just parked the principal's car

in the middle of the basketball court.

That's not where cars go.

Why didn't those meatballs include you?

They think I'm a goody-two-shoes.

Mm.

I'm not.

Mm. My own mother?

Ay, I'm just saying it wouldn't kill you to break some rules.

You're a minor. Take advantage of it.

I break the rules.

I just prefer to be suave, do it with panache and finesse.

Ay, those are American shampoos. I know.

Y'all ready for this?

I got our sauce into

the granddaddy of all holiday gift baskets.

Which one?

It's called granddaddy's holiday gift baskets.

Very exclusive.

They want 150 jars...

Yay!

...by 6:00 tonight.

No! It's too much sauce for too little time.

And anyways, I don't have the key ingredient --

the blood peppers.

And my cousin can't send me more from Colombia until next week.

One spicy step ahead of you.

Enter the serrano pepper!

Chi-caw!

No one will know the difference.

I will.

This sauce is part of my heritage.

I cannot turn my back on who I am.

Didn't your hair used to be darker?

I'm just saying

this is a great opportunity for our sauce.

"Our sauce"?

All of a sudden, cam is calling it "our sauce"?

I got that recipe from my great aunt

who got it from her mother who stole it from a blind maid.

How dare he.

Fine. We'll just go get some blood peppers.

They're impossible to get.

Unless you're willing to break some rules.

Why are we back on your thing again?

They just so happen to grow blood peppers

at the botanical gardens.

Great. Let's go.

You're adorable.

We're talking rare flora in a secure location.

Okay, so, then what do we do?

First, apologize for calling me a goody-goody,

because I'm about to lay out a plan so daring

that the two of you may not have the guts to follow it.

Should I take my knife?

I have my baseball bat in my car.

Okay, we're stealing a pepper,

not teaching its family a lesson.

Uh, okay.

I noticed a few of your professors

in those mouth-controlled wheelchairs.

I think some of them are just faking it to try and look cool.

Domo arigato, Mr. robotics lab!

What?!

Yeah. Come check out these gloves. They're awesome.

Any movement, even the slightest motion,

will be mirrored by the robotic hands.

Possible applications are bomb defusement,

nuclear reactor repair, and remote neurosurgery.

What has two thumbs and any lady robot he wants?

This guy.

Dad, this isn't a toy.

Hello, my loyal robot subjects.

Dad?

Jazz hands!

The other robots are staring!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So, what's going on at home?

Well, Haley and Luke aren't around much.

Meanwhile, the ducks are awesome and nobody gets it.

You wouldn't believe this, but one of them can fetch.

Of course I believe it.

One of my professors

taught a chimpanzee how to play the saxophone.

We all think he's great, but he only plays jazz,

so there's no way to tell.

Oh. Tell me about these fellas.

Well, this one's being developed for the military.

Really? Wow. Mm-hmm.

What about this adorable guy? Hello, switch.

Oh, no! Dad, don't press that.

Oh, he's just going for a little walk.

Why would you do that?! The master switch!

The what?

No, no, no!

Oh, my God.

It's happening!

They're rising up!

Turn off!

I command you to turn off!

It's not working!

I'm on your side!

Why would you do that?!

I don't know what I was thinking!

I'm so sorry.

Great. Now the captain of the football team hates me.

Okay, follow my plan to the letter,

and in 10 minutes, we'll have peppers in hand.

Manny: It's Saturday.

William will be working the rose garden.

Fortunately, he'll be distracted.

Right now, the aphids have the upper hand.

Cam, when you reach the stream,

follow it South southeast to the hummingbird exhibit.

Interact with no one.

Excuse me. Could you take this for us?

Oh, guess I have a second.

Oops. Took a picture of myself.

Oh, and now it's your wallpaper. Uh...

Manny: Mom, to avoid detection, take a circuitous route

to the Edmund and Miriam rabinowitz pepper patch.

Hey!

Take me to the blood peppers.

I'll re-route the senior citizens' tour...

You've already been this way. You loved it.

...so they're not around when you arrive at the peppers.

Go away, boy.

Manny: Be on alert. There may be added security.

Wow. How exhilarating.

I didn't know there was a caper in our sauce.

How could you?

It's not your recipe.

Hey, girls. How about a snack?

I'm hosting a sleepover for lily's vietnamese dance troupe.

We want her to be more in touch with her heritage,

but breaking the ice with the other parents has been a little tough.

Cam and I are the only white parents,

the only gay parents,

the only parents that find us funny.

Hi. Come on in, Patricia, Ms. tran.

The girls are in lily's room.

Oh, this is a fun coincidence.