Mythic Quest

Okay, people. I know you're all anxious to go home,

but we have some housekeeping to take care of first.

As part of the new employee evaluation process,

you all took a test to determine your workplace profile.

Upon completion, you received a packet outlining your strengths, areas of growth,

and ways to optimize your role in the company.

You were instructed to sign that packet and return it to me.

Simple. So simple, in fact,

every MQ employee managed to follow these instructions

except for the people in this room.

Now, I'm sure you all have your reasons

for not following this inarguably easy procedure,

but we're not leaving until the packets are signed.

So let's just be reasonable adults and sign our packets so we can all go home.

Sound good?

-No. -No, no.

Because this test

is absolutely the problem.

Let's try this again.

Now, according to company policy,

I'm required to listen to your individual concerns.

But before we start all that,

I'm offering three vacation days to anyone who signs right now.

Sold.

You ain't got to tell me twice.

Cancún, here I come.

You see that? It's just that easy, people.

-You sign your paper and-- -I have an issue.

Big surprise.

-I don't like the animal you made me. -I didn't make you anything.

The test assigned you an animal profile based on your answers.

It's just a simplistic way of distilling information.

And because these things can be kinda clinical, it's just fun.

It is fun! Sorry, sorry.

Was that too loud? I'm used to just shouting over the radiator sound

all by myself. So…

Okay. Labeling human beings as animals is not fun.

It's reductive and completely inaccurate.

Oh, yeah? What animal did you get?

-A baboon. Which is just… -Yeah, you did.

-That checks out. -That tracks.

-I agree with Rachel. -Thank you.

The test is inaccurate.

There's nothing wrong with the test. It's just--

It's simply putting a label on something that we already know is true.

For example, the fact that the tester is a baboon.

We all know that to be true. Correct?

Or that I am a lion, which makes sense because, of course, king of the jungle.

Okay. If you're happy with your animal, why are you here, Ian?

As senior management,

I think I should be made aware of what animal everyone got.

-You really think that's necessary? -No, and I don't really care.

But I wanna know what Poppy got. So tell me what she got.

I can't tell you that.

For the sake and safety of the pride, I should be made aware of what she got!

No. I mean, I can't tell you because Poppy didn't take the test.

Oh, man.

What?

She's been so busy with work that Montreal gave her a dispensation.

Uh-oh. Sounds like Poppy's the king of the jungle.

Oh, no. No, no.

I'm never signing this thing. Never signing it.

Thanks for that, Brad. Now, what can I do to get you to sign and leave?

Nothing. I don't have a problem with the test.

It's all bullshit. I'm just here for the data.

-And you? -I would've signed. Brad took my packet.

She'll sign when I sign. There's a lot here for her to learn.

I'm not sure what I could learn from a mouse.

Bradley! You got mouse? Me too. Mouse friends!

-Cute. You and Sue are the same. -We're the same.

No. I didn't get mouse. I answered the stupid test randomly.

You got mouse without even trying, huh?

That makes sense.

What animal did you get, Jo?

Shark.

And so it begins.

What is happening?

I predicted this day would come.

Jo believes she's ready to assert her dominance

and is attempting to devour me.

Please. What kind of a meal would a mouse make for a shark?

One bit of advice: You come at me, strike to kill.

Rest assured, if you get near my teeth, I will rip out your throat.

What? No one is killing anyone.

Metaphorically, Carol.

Mark my words. When this dance is done, one of us will be in the other's mouth.

All right. What'd I miss?

Brad and Jo are dancing and trying to eat one another.

Fuckin'-A.

If I may!

Shit. C.W., I forgot you were there.

I do believe I'm missing a great deal of the action.

Yeah, you know what, man?

I actually had the art department whip up something

so that your presence here would be a little bit less weird.

-Goddamn. -That is so much more weird.

That's exactly what a baboon would say, isn't it?

Just give it a second.

Careful now.

And how about that?

-How do I look? -Actually, not that bad.

-It's uncanny. -It actually came together quite nicely.

Now, if I may, I'd like to propose an exchange.

I'm told there's a certain task

which must be performed before my next paycheck will be relinquished.

Now, if a certain someone

would spill their ink on the dotted line of compliance,

I may be motivated to do so in kind.

If you are talking about the sensitivity training that you've been dodging,

I can't sign off on it until you complete the training.

That means watching the video until the end.

Indoctrination videos? Tests to put people into categories? It's Orwellian.

-You are a goddamn robot! -I agree with C.W.

Really?

Not about the video.

He should watch the video.

I just think that you can't shove people into neat little boxes

to fit some pre-prescribed narrative.

I mean, take me, for example.

I am a multidimensional woman who also happens to be a gay person of color.

-What color? -I'm half-Asian.

My mom was born in Thailand.

Thailand. So many fond memories.

Bangkok? You better believe it, man.

Phuket? Don't mind if I do.

I once found myself knee-deep in a mud pit with--

-You know what? -No, no! No.

I am gonna pull up the sensitivity training video.

Carol, wait. You're gonna love this.

And you may not come back until it's finished.

As you wish, fascist.

Resist, my Asian brother. Sister.

I'm sorry. I'm still not sure what to call you.

Will somebody roll his ass outta here?

Me! I'll do it.

-You can give me the tour, kind sir. -Yeah. Fine.

Kinda reminds me of wheeling my dad around.

Hey, do you know any hymns?

Can we circle back to this one not being white? Because I find that offensive.

I find it offensive that you find it offensive.

It's an important part of my identity.

Say something in Thai.

-I can't speak it, but I understand it. -Oh, cool.

What?

I said, "Black, white, brown, green.

You're the most annoying person in the world."

I had a Thai girlfriend in the '90s.

Maybe it was Rachel's mom.

-Jo. -Jo. There's no reason to be mean.

I am way too young to have dated Rachel's most likely equally annoying Thai mother.

My mother is not annoying.

-Then you must get it from your dad. -Oh, my God.

I cannot be the only person that finds this test oppressive.

Oppressive?

You think 'cause you're half-white you can go calling stuff oppressive.

I'm sorry.

Is that something you learned at your private college,

paid for with your trust fund?

-She did it, Carol. She-- -Not now, bracelets.

You wanna know what's oppressive?

The old way we used to do these employee evaluations.

Where old Carol had to go around listening to everybody's daddy issues,

and you would show me your skin rashes like I'm WebMD.

I'm not going back to the old way. Okay?

Do you hear me? I am not going back! You know what? I need five.

She got us in-- You got us in trouble.

Hey, hey. Get out of there.

-But we're so hungry! -Yeah!

Look, Carol, I have to have protein, and there's nothing to eat in here.

The lion must feed.

You know, you could all just sign your packets and go get a proper meal.

Hell, I'll treat you.

No. I don't wanna sign. I don't like being an otter.

Really? But otters are so cute.

Maybe I don't wanna be cute.

Again, it's not defining you.

It's just a simplistic way of delineating your personality.

How accurate can it be? It gave David wolf.

That's right, baby.

-I'm a wolf. -Yeah, we know.

He won't shut up about it. This has been the greatest week of his life.

Then why didn't you sign your packet?

It's not in a wolf's nature to roll over and expose his soft underbelly.

Especially not to authority.

No, Carol. I walk my own path.

Room seems smaller.

Oh, God.

Also, I left my packet in Yorba Linda.

-I don't know what that means. -I said, Yorba Linda.

All right. I'll be the one that takes the bait.

David, why were you in Yorba Linda?

Bradley, you want to pop the news?

David's got a girlfriend.

That's sweet.

-Yeah, that's nice. -Ain't no thing.

She's a widow.

-Yeah, that makes sense. -But she's a young widow.

-That's so much sadder, bud. -How'd her husband die?

I don't know. I haven't asked that yet. It's still fresh.

The relationship or the body?