Scream Queens

Previously on Scream Queens...

Like 20 years or so ago, a girl died in this tub.

She had a baby during a party

and the sisters let her bleed out cause they were having so much fun.

There's no record of any of these names except for one.

We have to find her.

Oh, my God, there's two of them!

You're the killer.

I own Halloween. It's my jam.

Halloween is the most important day of the year.

It's the one day on the Gregorian calendar

where you're allowed to go around terrifying children

and not be branded a psychopath.

I am a future network news anchor

who's super classy and has almost no fat on her body.

But a lot of my fans are, like, friendless, dumpy coeds

at this or that nursing school

in one of this country's various national armpits.

And Chanel-o-ween is the one time of year

where I can give these precious donkeys

something to look forward to.

They put down their Hot Pockets and bask in the warm glow

of what it feels like... to love me.

with my comatose grandmother's credit card

and bought presents.

This severed hand... is for Malloreigh.

These razor apples--

for Daisy.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my God, it says my name!

It's her writing and everything!

"Heather, I hope the severed leg brightens up your trailer park."

"You're a bright light in my life,

"and I wanted you to know

how much you impress me with your frumpy spirit."

Ooh!

"You are so devastatingly mediocre and adorable"!

Oh, my gosh!

"I can't wait to see you in person,

"but before that, I'd like to see you post this

"all over social media, to exploit it for my own gain.

Happy Chanel-o-ween."

Aah! It's a rotting jack-o'-lantern!

Aah! This box is just filled with blood!

She got me a razor apple!

Chanel gave me a dead head!

"Dear Riley, I stole this cadaver head

from an ophthalmology student just for you."

There's this woman, Susan, who's always posting sad videos

of herself online, and she lives someplace horrible.

So... I guess we're just gonna have to drive to Susan's house

and deliver some Chanel-o-ween presents in person.

For you.

You're the most important person in the world.

I would do anything...

for you, Chanel.

I love you so much.

So you didn't see anyone in a Red Devil costume

entering or leaving the house?

No, sir, I did not.

One last question.

Are you coming to the precinct pig roast this year?

Because your heavenly hash

is to die for.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Thank you, dean. You're free to go.

- Thank you. - Whoa, whoa, wait.

Alright, stop.

What, that's it?

Dean Munsch has been a pillar in this community

for over three decades.

To suggest in any way

that she is somehow involved with these killings

is a risible notion that, frankly, I find offensive.

Come on, she's obviously the killer!

Do you mean to suggest I changed out of my nightgown,

strapped myself into a skintight pleather Red Devil costume,

climbed out a second-story dormer,

and shimmied to the ground with a chain saw

before entering a window I had left open,

tried to kill you, then leapt out the window,

climbed back up the wall, changed back into my nightgown,

and raced downstairs, all in the course of about 90 seconds?

Yes! That is exactly what we mean to suggest, Dean.

Weston...

this has been

a terrifying night, and, uh...

you're an overwhelmed single father

who's back on the dating scene, and...

clearly that's got you a little freaked out.

I'm not gonna hold any of this against you,

and I'm gonna let you be my date

for the faculty Halloween party.

We...

are going...

as Bo Peep...

and her sheep.

Listen up.

Attempted murder!

A guy was almost killed tonight, okay?

This-this-this golf-frat douche bag

got his arms chopped off

by a chain saw.

Now-now, no, I'm not a detective,

hell, I ain't even a cop,

but what I am

is somebody who watched

every one of those Cosby Mysteries, okay?

So I can tell you that when you go out there

and you get those fingerprints

off the chain saw,

you gonna find out your killer

is that Zayday girl.

We have a possible dismemberment

at 129 Ashgrove. All units... See?!

See? Dismemberment!

Denise Hemphill was one step ahead of the po-po!

Yes! Ha-ha!

Shondell, if you can hear me

in that Best Buy parking lot in the sky,

I am so sorry that

I pushed you out of my car and drove off real scared.

But I promise you, by Halloween night,

I will avenge your face stabbing, baby girl, okay?

I, Denise Hemphill,

is gonna solve this crime.

You look beautiful. I just can't believe that

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is your favorite movie, too.

All right, so here is the plan, Grace.

In precisely two and half minutes when we go in there,

you let me do all the talking.

Fat chance, McConaughey. Let's go. Come on.

All right. Ready?

Let's do this.

Early trick or treat!

What are you dressed as?

We're Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson

from the classic romantic comedy How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

It is a classic. Really is.

You come to talk to me about that night at Kappa House?

Uh, how... how-how did you know?

I've been waiting 20 years for someone to come around

asking about it. Come in. Come in.

This is a lovely home.

Oh, you... have a squirrel.

Don't see that much anymore.

I'm sorry I didn't know what you all were dressed as.

I've been kind of off the grid since that night.

Sit!

Breakfast is almost ready We got meat today.

Mmm. Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Okay...

Unfortunately,

a trucker got him in the head. Oh.

Best to let that cool off

before you dig in. Sure. Um...

So, Mandy,

what can you tell us about that night? We work

for the Wallace U. Sentinel, and we're doing a story on Kappa House.

Now, we will keep your name

out of it, of course.

You see, Mandy, I'm a vault,

and to get in this vault you need a key.

Now, you may ask, a key to what? It's a key to meaning.

Once you've found the meaning, you don't need the words.

You know what I'm saying? So find me the man

who's forgotten all the words that I may have a word with him,

and then we can just...

...throw away the key.

Hey, Pete?

Shh.

Please, continue with your story.

My life is basically split in two.

Before that night, and after.

So it's real?

The story about the bathtub?

Damn straight it's real.

I was there.

Are we gonna call the police?

Have any of you ever heard of "negligent homicide"?

If the police come, they will arrest all of you

for leaving this girl to die while you were downstairs

getting into the groove.

Just like Footloose.

I can't go to jail.

We need to dispose of this body on our own.

Now, I've got everything we need in the kitchen

to make sausages out of her.

I can sell them at the farmers' market on Sunday,

or I can just feed them to these bitches for dinner.

No. We're gonna bury her ourselves.

I'm gonna go downstairs, shut this party down,

and then we'll get the body out of here.

Wait, I want to stay.

Okay? Somebody has to watch after the baby.

Fine.

She made us wear hoods

so we wouldn't see where the body was.

Can you at least turn on the radio?